Emily before Paige
by WaitingForLightning
Summary: Priority number 1 : Emily Fields. Priority number 2 : Myself, Paige McCullers. Until the end of time. WARNING : Character death. Rated M for this story's topic.
1. Chapter 1

**Thank your for clicking on this story, thank you for willing to give it a try!**

 **First of all I want to say WARNING : Character death.**

 **Apart from that I hope you somehow can enjoy this story.**

 **It's isnt completely mine, again I used another story as my inspiration. This time one from couple years ago and from another fandom. It always stuck with me. I turned it a bit around and made it Paily.**

 **And I'm proud of it, I think it did work out :)**

 **I have finished this story, that's why I will try for daily uploads. (Yes I will finish my other two on-going stories)**

 **M RATED because of the sad topic of this story.**

 **I felt I had to do it for personal reasons, I hope you can forgive me and enjoy it somehow.**

 **I am terrible sorry for this story.**

 **Thank you.**

 **Love Sarah**

 **xx**

* * *

"Who is she?" My girlfriend asked in a numb voice, startling me as I didn't hear her come inside. "Seriously Paige, tell me her name. I want to know with who you were."

Emily seemed so powerless, looked so tired. I swallowed hard, then took a deep breath. I made a fist in my pocket to hide my shaking hands, to try to stop them from shaking.

"Gaby." I finally brought out. "Gabriela actually. She's Mexican."

Emily simply stood there and stared. Hurt was mirrorring her eyes, I could see a glint of surprise in them. Wasn't this what she expected? It must be hearing it out loud that must feel as a punch in her stomach.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, trying to keep my gaze strict. Three years. It's been three years since we started dating. Until everything had to fall apart.

"I'll go to my mom's place for now." Emily whispered. She tried not to look at me to hide the tears, but I could see them anyway.

"I'm sorry Em, I am." I whispered back. "You deserve better." I sighed.

Emily spun around at those words. "I deserve better?" She spat out. "Just tell me why Paige."

I didn't know what to tell her. There was no way I could give her a reason. I had made my decision quite a while ago, now there was no turning back.

I swallowed once again. "It has nothing to do with you, it's all me." Wow what a cliché.

Emily frowned, shaking her head. "Don't you think I deserve the truth Paige?"

She did deserve that much, in fact she deserved all the good things in the world.

"I realized I moved on, okay?" I said, clearing my throat. "I don't want to have kids, I don't want to stay in this apartment for the rest of my life with you. I need space." I felt evil for speaking those words, for seeing the effect they had on the one person who meant the world to me.

"And that Mexican chick is offering you that space?" She used her already wet sleeve to get rid of the fresh tears. I couldn't stare for one second longer, I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath. I would let her leave and then I can move on. I will manage alone, somehow I will make it. I kept my eyes closed and focused on my breathing. It was for the best. The best for Emily, I need to remember that. "Maybe it's for the best if you leave now." I didn't open my eyes again until I heard the door close. The house was silent. Tears were streaming down my face, hot and fast. I let myself sink on the kitchen floor.

This was the only way to get out of this relationship, it had to be this way exactly how it was planned. _Stay strong_ , I told myself. I have thought this through, just stay strong.

* * *

 **One year later**

Somehow it felt as if we had kissed only yesterday. Not a day went by without wondering, what did I do wrong?

5 notes I wrote : a begging one, an apologizing one, a rude one, a self-blaming one and one simple request. I tore them all up.

We haven't spoken to each other since that night. One certain afternoon when I knew Paige would be gone is when I went to pack my things and left my key. I used to be able to read Paige as a book, I stopped understanding her in the last couple months of our relationship. She became cold and distant. She left the building in the early hours and came back late, I never knew where she went, she didn't want to sleep with me anymore. She closed up every time I wanted to talk to her.

Even after all this time not knowing the answers to my why-questions made me go nuts. Even now having a new girlfriend, I couldn't stop thinking about Paige. And as much as I tried to deny it, that thing with Paige had taken away some of my ability to be happy.

Ava had been my client at the hair salon where I had recently found a new job. I didn't know the other brunette was gay until we started talking about our experiences with miserable dates. Not much later dinner followed which had led to sex, which had led to dating. It was easy.

I wondered if Paige was still dating that Gabby gal. At first I wanted to track down all Gabriela's in the city to see what the other woman was like, to see what Paige wanted but couldn't get with me, but I had decided against it.

She said she needed space, she didn't want kids.

I had never even mentioned kids. Was it because of the visits every week to my friend's kid? I would have toned that down if I knew it would scare my girlfriend away.

"You okay?" Ava asked me and I finally woke up from my little trance. "Sure." I said, trying to smile. "Why wouldn't I be?" I smiled and cleared my throat as I took Ava's hand in mine and we continued our walk through the park.

/

Just as I started working on Mrs. Johnson's hair, I heard my colleague talk in the background. "Miss McCullers, it's been a while. What can we do for you?"

I froze, looking in the mirror in front of me where I could clearly see the figure of my ex-girlfriend talking to my co-worker Bella. My eyes met the girl who looked just as shocked herself. I could tell the inner conflict she was having with herself.

"Miss McCullers?" Bella asked carefully as Paige slowly sunk back to reality.

"I will come back some other time, I ... I'm sorry."

She turned around on her heel as she headed for the exit.

"Excuse me for a minute." I breathed out as I ran after Paige. I had given myself no time to think about my actions. It was pure instinct that told me to follow her before it was too late. "Paige!" I yelled after her, following her with fast steps. "Wait! Paige, please!"

And she stopped.

"Paige, it's been a while." I started, trying to bring out a smile. "Yeah." Paige replied. "How are you doing, Em?"

This was beyond weird. I wasn't sure what I was feeling or what I should say but I was surprised to feel no anger. Somehow all I could see was a person I used to love and felt the need to be around for a little while.

"I'm fine. Great actually." I laughed excitedly. "I have a job here now. It's nice."

"I can see that." Paige responded. "You look great."

"Thanks. You look ..." My gaze traveled up and down the other girl's body. "Thin." I admitted slowly.

"I'm on a diet." Paige explained shrugging.

"How are things with ..."

"Gabby?" Paige asked in a tone that I didn't really recognize.

"Yeah Gabby, I hope everything went well?"

"Yeah everything's great. I mean ... I don't know., it's strange to talk about." Her eyes were searching for some other place to focus on.

"I'm glad to hear you're happy. I have someone new too."

"You deserve to be happy." The smile was still frozen on her lips but her gaze softened. She reached out to cover my hand with her own and squeezed it lightly.

"I'm actually on my way to Gabby right now." Paige stated, not looking at me as she nervously played with the hem of her shirt. "It was nice seeing you again."

My heart was pounding a little faster in my chest, I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want another goodbye, not knowing if I'd ever see her again. "Can't we hang out sometime?" I blurted out. "Coffee?"

"I don't know Em."

"I want to hear what you've been up too. I missed you. We've always been best friends Paige."

Paige looked defeated, shaking her head. "Okay. I guess one coffee seems about fine."

I felt relieved, smiling happily at the woman in front of me. "My number is still the same, if you still have the number that is."

"I know it by heart." Paige admitted with a shy smile. "I mean it's an easy number, repeating the same numbers, not that hard."

I simply smiled, brushing my hand across her arm. "I'll be waiting for your call." I told her softly before turning around to run back to Mrs. Johnson.

When I looked back into the mirror to continue working on the elder woman's hair, I noticed my flushed cheeks. I was red, tomato red. Somehow I felt happy, somehow I had to fight tears. She still hadn't changed, she was still so damn confusing.

* * *

I finally arrived at the house I had been heading to. I had tried to remain calm, I had managed not to run into her for so long that I thought I was over her. Why did she need to be in that stupid salon? She wasn't there last time. It would be insane to call her. What would we even talk about? How could seeing her hurt this much?

My legs were weak as I walked up the steps to the entrance door, ringing the bell next to the name tag I was looking for.

 _Dr. Gabriela Garcia - Oncologist._


	2. Chapter 2

"What was that about earlier?" Bella asked me as soon Mrs. Johnson had left.

"What do you mean?" I wanted to know, although I had a pretty good idea what my colleague was referring to.

"You running after Ms McCullers." The woman clarified.

"I didn't know that you knew her." I said slowly.

"She's been here a couple times, how do you know her?" Bella questioned.

I swallowed. "She's my ex and former best friend. We've dated for three years."

"Oh ..." Bella replied slowly, looking guilty. "I didn't know ..." She paused giving me a compassionate look. "I'm really sorry, you must feel terrible."

"It's okay." I answered.

"It must be terrible to handle such things in relationships, it must be so difficult to deal with. How is she doing?"

I raised an eyebrow, not really understanding why my break-up seemed to be such a big deal for my co-worker. "She seems okay. She's in a relationship with someone else."

"Oh, I see ..." Bella replied. "Well next time you see her give her my best wishes and tell her she can come in anytime she likes."

My frown only deepened but I nodded. "Will do."

* * *

I wasn't even blinking anymore when the needle slowly disappeared inside of my arm. I stared at the wall in front of me while Gabriela took my blood sample. Gabriela wasn't much older than me, maybe a couple years. We've spent quite some time together the past year.

"How are you feeling?" The short, dark-haired doctor asked me but I kept on staring at the wall.

"Like shit." The room felt suffocating.

"I'm going to send those to the lab." Carefully pulling the needle out and putting a cotton ball on the spot. "If this is good we can start the next round."

My expression was empty when I turned around to look at the doctor. "I don't want another chemo." I stated.

"What are you talking about? It's not a matter of wanting Paige, it's important."

I chuckled ironically. "I'm done with it Gabby, seriously." I grabbed my hair and tugged on it, removing the wig. "You see this? My hair has gotten longer again. I'm slowly becoming my old self again. You know, I was at the hairdresser's today wanting to ask for a new one but then I thought it's pointless. If I can feel normal for my last days than I take that chance, I don't want to go through all that shit again just for you to tell me afterwards new shit turned up. I'm so done with it."

Gabriela closed her eyes for a second in defeat, letting out a deep breath. "Where's this coming from? I haven't seen you this mixed and messed up since ..." She paused. "Are you talking to her again?" The woman asked. "Since when?"

"She's working at that hair salon I go to." I said playing with my fingers in my lap.

"Did you tell her?" She nodded as she understood.

"No. I certainly did not tell her. And I'm not going to."

"You should! I'll keep telling you this, you should have listened to me back then. You've been miserable ever since, it didn't make it better for you at all."

"It wasn't supposed to make it better for me, it was supposed to make it better for her!" I yelled, close to losing my temper.

Gabriela shook her head. "Paige, this logic of yours, oh my. She's going to find out someday sooner or later."

"Yes when she reads about my death in the newspaper."

"Paige!"

A long silence followed.

"Let's talk hypothetically here. So she reads about your death, do you have any idea how that would make her feel?"

"I wrote her a letter just in case. She will get it when I'm gone and everything will be explained."

Gabriela couldn't stop shaking her head at the way her client - friend acted. "So are you going to meet her or what?"

I nodded. "One last time." I paused. "To say goodbye."

/

Emily was already sitting at a small table in the corner of the room. She looked so innocent and beautiful, it broke my heart. When Emily looked up and our eyes met, she smiled warmly.

"I haven't ordered yet. I wasn't sure if you would actually show up." Emily said shyly.

"Can't blame you for that." I mumbled.

When the waiter came by we both ordered something to drink.

"So tell me what have you been up to these past months?"

I had expected this question and came prepared. "I've tried to change my life a bit, tried to live healthier, been travelling." I tried to analyze the look on Emily's face when I tell her these things. Does it come across as _'Oh you know I started enjoying life and do all things I couldn't do with you.'_ It couldn't sound worse than the truth. ' _I've been through chemo, still got metastases everywhere. Most days I've been too weak to even leave the house, I throw up all of the time, I'm preparing myself mentally for the day I die, yeah it's been hell. And to tell you the complete truth, I've missed you every fucking single day.'_

"I'm glad to hear you've had a good time. What places did you visit?"

Doctor offices, hospitals and therapists sounded terrible. "Paris, Barcelona, some other places in Europe. Very pretty cities."

"Paris is still on my list. You're lucky to have seen it." Emily smiled. "So Gabriela has been with you?"

Yes she was with me during chemo, during CT's, during my monthly nervous breakdown. "Yeah we have visited her family in Mexico too actually." These lies were ridiculous.

"How did you two meet? What's her name again?" I had to fully change the subject.

"Ava." Emily smiled. "Met her at the salon."

"Sweet." This conversation was awkward.

"I'm glad we're finally talking again. I have to say, I was devastated that you cheated on me but I'm not mad, not anymore." She reached out and touched my hand. "If that's what you needed to do to be happy then I'm okay with that." She emphasized her words with a nod. "You're special Paige, I hated not having you in my life. We were a team. I don't feel complete without you."

I nodded, feeling my hand get sweaty. Feeling the tears swell up again.

"We used to be best friends before we started dating, do you think we can get back to that? I mean not right away but slowly? Maybe?" Her voice sounded hopeful. She was still the girl I had known for so many years, the girl I fell madly deeply in love with. The girl I always wanted to protect from all bad in the world. I sure as hell hoped that Ava chick was treating her well, I might be weak but I still am able to kick some ass when I need to.

"I don't know." I said after a while. "I missed you too." It was probably wrong to say this, but it was a truth I can't deny.

"Would you want to see me again?" Emily finally asked. "I mean you could bring Gabby. You could meet Ava. I'm sure you two would get along. We can go do something fun. What do you think?" Emily's eyes were glowing and she clapped her hands together in excitement.

I never should've stepped a foot in that damn fancy salon. I knew her too well, she just wouldn't let me go after just one meet up. One double date would turn into two, and then the show's on the road. I can't let that happen. I wasn't even dating anyone.

"Just once." Emily continued. "If Gabby doesn't like me or Ava then we don't have to repeat. Though I'm sure that won't happen."

Great. Now I have to deal with seeing Emily happy together with another woman. No way I will say yes. I'll be as honest as possible telling her I just can't do it. Yep, it's a no.

"Paige?" Emily asked carefully, looking a little sad.

"Yeah, yes okay."

Okay? I mentally threw my hands up in the air. I just couldn't believe myself, after all this time I'm still whipped.

"Awesome!" Emily exclaimed, biting her fist to keep her from grinning wider.

I stared at the woman in front of me who was emptying her drink, looking so happy and relieved. I retrieved my phone from my pocket. I quickly clicked on Gabriela's name in the contact list and typed the message.

 ** _I need your help._**


	3. Chapter 3

"No way!" Gabriela said in a strict voice, holding her hands up defensively. "No way I'm going to pretend to be your girlfriend. Not only because I'm your doctor, mainly because I will not encourage your lies. Nope. No, No, No."

"Gabby, come on. I'm begging you here, okay? What am I supposed to do? Seriously I need you to do this for me." I pleaded desperately.

"I'll tell you what to do - you'll call Emily, tell her that you changed your mind and that you want to talk to her. Alone." She looked me straight in the eyes. "And then you'll meet somewhere quiet and you'll explain everything. And you'll see she'll understand and from there you can finally be honest with her."

"I thought I could count on you." I mumbled through clenched teeth. People were obviously right when they said lying always got you into trouble. But it had worked out for over a year. I won't let it all blow up now.

I grabbed my phone, flipping through my contact list in search of a female person who was desperate enough to play my date. Someone I could pay. Someone Emily didn't know.

"Paige, what are you doing?" I still had my eyes fixed on my phone as I grabbed the doorknob, not bothering to answer the woman's question.

"Paige, seriously, don't make this more complicated than it already is. And do me a favor and stop stressing yourself so much, you need to get some rest, I don't like seeing you so - "

The door was shut before Gabriela had the chance to finish her sentence. I was running down the stairs, already sending out texts to random ex-coworkers, cursing the fact that Emily and I had been so close, we basically knew all the same people. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was running into a dead end. It was ridiculous. It was mean.

I've told many white lies in my life but this was bad. What had started out as a plan to protect the woman I loved was turning into a massive act that'd be impossible to keep alive forever. Five times I have tried to hit the damn send-button and tell Emily that it wasn't going to work out, that we shouldn't be seeing each other again. The truth is I have felt alive again for the first time in a very long time and it terrified me.

What if something like fate existed? What if it had been goddamn fate to run into her in that salon? Maybe someone was sending a sign, trying to tell me I'd been foolish for trying to get through this on my own.

No. Fate could go screw itself. It had made me sick in the first place. Fate was a bitch.

Just as I had walked around the corner, heading back home, my phone suddenly vibrated. Elizabeth, my slightly annoying ex-coworker. I opened the text, reading the words that suddenly made me feel a little excited again. I read it once more, to make sure I wasn't imagining things, but the message remained the same.

 **Perfect, I really need the cash. Count me in.**

* * *

I sat against my girlfriend in the bathtub, enjoying the warm water, picking up some foam with my right hand to blow the bubbles through the bathroom. Ava was massaging my shoulders and peppering soft kisses along my neck.

"How do you feel about the whole double date thing? Honestly?" She asked me, her fingers easily moving along the wet skin. "What do you know about Paige's girlfriend anyway?"

I sighed at the pleasant feeling of Ava's touch, sinking a little deeper in the tub as I tried to come up with an honest answer.

"I don't really know anything about her. I know she's Mexican. That she introduced Paige to her family over there. I suppose she's very pretty too."

"Don't you think it will be weird?" Ava asked, sounding concerned. "I mean, she's the woman Paige cheated with after all. I don't mean to judge Em, I don't want you to think that this makes me uncomfortable or anything because I'm fine with it, I just don't want you to get hurt or that it brings back bad memories."

I reached for Ava's hand, wrapping my girlfriend's arm around my body as I kissed her fingertips in the process. "I know, I've thought about it too. But she's been my best friend since I can remember. We've been inseparable since we were twelve years old. That's more important to me than the fact that our relationship didn't work out, you know?"

"I understand." Ava said slowly letting her chin rest on my shoulder. "And if it gets too weird, we can still leave, right?"

"Right" I smiled.

"Do you think she's changed? Paige?"

I had to think about that question for a while. Something had definitely been different. "She seemed more mature?" I finally replied, though it was more of a question than a statement. "I don't know but there's something about the way she talks, the way she acts that's more serious." It was hard to put into words what I felt when watching her. It had been a different Paige, though that didn't necessarily mean anything bad. Her hair had been different too.

Ava swallowed hard before opening her mouth again. She seemed to try to hold herself back from speaking out the question, but it slipped out anyway.

"Em, are you over her?" She asked so quickly that it was barely understandable. The question must have bugged her since the day I told her about the encounter at the salon.

"Of course I'm over her. I mean, I love her, I do. But as I said, I love her as the person who's been so important to me my whole life, not as the person I want to date. She broke my trust but I know she's a good person at heart, a good friend. I want to be with you, okay?" I paused. "Just you." I turned my head around to look at the brunette and smiled, placing a kiss on Ava's lips.

* * *

"All right, repeat it again" I ordered, staring at the pale redhead in front of me.

"My name is Gabriela Garcia, I'm Mexican. I was born in Léon which is a long drive from Mexico-City. I have an older and a younger sister and I'm a doctor. In my free time I like to go jogging and I play tennis."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"Is it really that important?" Elizabeth asked slightly annoyed, her eyes scanning the long handwritten list of things she was supposed to remember.

"Am I paying you for this or not?" I hissed back.

"Yes, geez, chill, my favorite movie is Letters To Juliet, my favorite singer is Paula Abdul..." She paused. "Do you seriously think anyone's going to buy that I'm Mexican? Have you looked at me?"

I glared at her. "You better make them believe it!"

"All this trouble because you don't want to tell your ex that you're sick? To protect her? What are you, some kind of nut? Isn't that all a little insane?"

I had to use all of my willpower not to kick the other woman out. I never really liked Elizabeth but I knew I had to at least try to play nice if I wanted this date to happen and the redhead was my last chance.

"Listen to me, play along. Understand? I have my reasons and I swear, if you screw this up, if you tell her anything, I'll kick your ass!"

"Okay, okay! So what exactly are we doing anyway? Go out for dinner? Do I have to kiss you?" The redhead replied frowning.

I realized I hadn't thought of the fact that we would have to try to seem intimate around each other. The thought of being touchy with Elizabeth was a total turn-off. "We're going to play miniature golf and we'll keep the kiss and touching level on the low."

/

Emily and Ava were already waiting in front of the miniature golf course when we got out of the red head's old and rusty car. My eyes widened at the sight of the two girls standing next to each other, hating the fact that Ava looked so damn flawless. It occurred to me that I maybe have underestimated the effect on me to see Emily with someone else and it scared me that it already made me feel this way before we had said hello to each other. It reminded me of the time in high school when I had to torture myself watching Emily being all touchy feely with Maya. The thought still made me want to throw up. I want my ex-girlfriend to be happy but as long as I'm still alive, she's my Emily. Seeing her with someone else, especially with another woman who apparently made her laugh and smile, wasn't what I had wanted to put myself through.

When I noticed Emily looking over to us , smiling and waving excitedly, I quickly grabbed my new girlfriends hand. We walked over to the other couple, hands still entwined, and I forced myself to smile, unsure whether to hug Emily or go for a simple handshake.

Emily made the decision for me by wrapping her arms around my thin body. The hug was longer than I had expected and I noticed she was still wearing the same perfume. I loved the smell and it brought tons of memories to mind. Our bathroom had smelled like this every morning.

When she finally let go of the embrace, Emily turned to Elizabeth, her smile friendly but less warm than only seconds ago.

"Hi" She said, holding out her hand for the other woman to shake it. "You must be Gabriela. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too." Elizabeth replied politely. "Paige has told me all about you, good to finally put a face to all the stories."

"Paige." Ava said friendly but yet distant. She was biting her lip, apparently deliberating her next words. "I've certainly heard a lot about you as well."

I didn't miss the tone in the other woman's words and I couldn't deny that it made me angry. Who did she think she was? Emily's big protector? I squeezed Ava's hand a little harder than necessary.

"So let's get the clubs?" Elizabeth finally asked when everyone had been introduced. The four of us made our way over to the old lady sitting behind the counter. She handed us the clubs, a scorecard with a pen and a little basket with four golf balls in different colors.

"Here, I guess you want the blue one?" I said smiling, handing Emily the small blue ball who took it happily, nodding in excitement.

"Can I start?" Emily asked, storming over to the first course where we only had to play the ball around a corner to get it into the hole.

"Sure babe, start." Ava said, giving her a playful clap on her butt. I felt myself grip my own club a little harder.


	4. Chapter 4

Emily positioned herself in front of the course focusing on the hole as she was frowning and sticking out her tongue in concentration.

"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you don't really look Mexican." Ava said slowly, causing me to cough.

"That's what I hear all the time." Elizabeth replied, rolling her eyes. "My grandfather was Scottish, you know?" She smiled. "Damn those recessive genes."

 _Good_ I thought to myself. We have practiced that scenario often enough.

Ava nodded, raising her eyebrows. "And what kind of doctor are you?" She asked. While Emily's ball was not even close to the hole as she repeatedly batted it against the wall, groaning in frustration.

"Oh, one for the sick people!" Elizabeth responded casually.

Emily's eyes widened, looking up from her ball. "Well, those are especially important." She replied, nodding.

I couldn't believe my ears. I cleared my throat before bursting into a fake laughter. "You're so funny Dear."

When Emily's ball had finally found its way into the hole, I quickly grabbed the red one out of its basket and started playing.

We were slowly making our way through the 18 different courses, each one getting a little more tricky. Ava kept questioning Elizabeth and I couldn't help but think that this all felt like some interrogation in court rather than a casual date. Emily never managed to finish a course with less than ten tries but everyone chose to ignore the rules at the sight of the woman's sad and pouty face.

"I'm not the best putter." She stated slowly as she was looking at their scorecard. "You're doing fine" I reassured her, smiling. "We all suck at this."

I could see Ava glare at me from the corner of my eyes but chose to ignore it. I was highly aware that this contest wasn't about miniature golf anymore.

It was my turn again and I could feel the exhaustion kicking in. It may not have been the most active sport, yet I wasn't used to being on my feet for so long anymore, constantly having to kneel down to grab the ball or using all my strength for the courses. I could feel cold sweat on my forehead, my vision a little blurry as my hands were shaking, trying to keep the club straight.

I stumbled a step backwards, right into Elizabeth who managed to catch me.

"You okay?" she asked concerned. I nodded.

"I don't want to have to call the ambulance, you fainting was not part of the deal." She whispered into my ear so that the others couldn't hear her and I pushed her away annoyed.

"I'm fine" I hissed, finishing my game as I took another deep breath. I didn't dare to look at Emily, though I could almost feel her eyes burning holes into my back.

I tried focusing on the red ball but suddenly I could see two - no - three of them, and it was hard to make out which was the real one. I tried batting but missed, feeling myself grow impatient. My breathing was getting shorter and little black dots were dancing in front of my eyes. Heat wave after heat wave was rushing through my body and I pushed down the need to rip off my suddenly terribly tight clothes. My legs were shaking and my head was spinning, the voices that surrounded me suddenly sounding so far away, as if there were cotton candy in my ears.

"I... I think I need to sit down for a moment." I managed to say, stumbling over to the nearest bench, letting myself sink down on top of it.

Emily was next to me in an instant, dropping her club on the floor. "Paige, are you all right?" She asked, petting my back.

"I... yeah... I guess I didn't drink enough... you know how easily I dehydrate."

I wasn't sure that I had ever dehydrated in the time we had been dating but it seemed like a logical explanation.

"Hon, please get Paige some water and a candy bar, ok?" Emily said, looking at Ava who frowned but quickly made her way over to the little shop.

Elizabeth sat down at the other side of the bench, twirling her red locks around her finger.

"Don't get me wrong, but I think it's time to call it a day." She stated, not really bothering to make sure her 'girlfriend' was okay.

Emily didn't stop stroking my back, not until her girlfriend arrived with water and chocolate.

"Here, drink that" She said, opening the bottle for me. Emily quickly unwrapped the Snickers. "And eat this, sugar will help."

Emily frowned looking over to Elizabeth who still didn't show any interest in the situation. Ava followed Emily's gaze, clearing her throat.

"I thought you were a doctor, shouldn't you help your girlfriend?" Ava asked, not able to hide the judgment in her voice. "One might think you'd know what to do in such situations..."

Usually I would have gotten insecure at hearing the other woman's suspicious tone, but I felt too weak to care. All I wanted was to go home and lie down. Go home and lie down with Emily next to me who'd keep stroking my back. And my hair. And kiss my forehead. I shook my head, trying to get rid of these thoughts, these feelings. I grabbed Emily's arm and softly pushed her hand away from me, not meeting her eyes.

"It'd be nice if you could take me home now, Gabby." I told Elizabeth and the other woman shrugged, getting up from the bench as she was fumbling for the car keys in her pocket. When she finally found them she held out her hand for me to take and helped me off the bench.

I turned around once more giving Emily an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry." I said. "But we were almost done anyway, right? And I didn't count the points, but I suppose you would have won."

"Of course she would." Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes as she softly pushed me towards the exit. "It was nice meeting you both, enjoy the rest of the day."

"Yeah..." Emily said, hesitating. "Feel better, Paige."

I looked at my ex, then at the woman next to Emily who gave Elizabeth and myself a serious glare. I knew I wasn't going to feel better anytime soon. Rather worse. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to erase the image of Emily's sad and concerned face out of my mind as I followed my fake girlfriend to her car. Sinking down in the not very comfortable seat, I let my head rest against the tiny window. My body had showed me once again that this was a bad idea, that I couldn't hide behind this mask for too long. What would Emily think? I had embarrassed myself. Should I call her when I got home and apologize for ending the date so abruptly? Maybe send a text? Do nothing?

I looked over to Elizabeth who hummed along with the song that was playing on the radio. When we finally arrived at my apartment, Elizabeth cleared her throat. "My money?" She asked, looking at me expectantly.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from yelling at the other woman. I knew I had no right to be angry, she had played her part and did everything I had asked her to do. I owed her. I fumbled for the money and threw it on her lap, I got out of the car without another word as I slammed the door shut. I headed straight to my bedroom, letting myself sink on the mattress, not bothering to remove my clothes. My hands still shaking, I opened the drawer of my nightstand, digging for my medication. I swallowed it without blinking, adding two sleeping pills in the process.

* * *

Hours later, I still haven't fallen asleep. I was staring holes into the ceiling, although the bedroom was barely illuminated enough to make out the ceiling in the first place. Ava had dozen off a couple of times but whenever she opened her eyes, she found me in the same position as before. Not asleep.

"Why are you torturing yourself?" Ava asked into the completely silent room, yet I didn't wince.

"I'm not" I quietly stated, my voice calm and serious.

"You are. It still hurts you. Even after all this time it hurts and I don't blame you cause it's only natural plus we both know that something is truly odd here."

Ava came closer, taking my chin in her hand to make me look at her.

"It's not odd. She's with someone else, these things happen, it's not -"

"That's not what I'm talking about, Em." Ava interrupted. ''It's not weird that she's dating someone else, it's weird that she's pretending to be dating someone else."

I had to frown, trying to study the other woman's face in the dark room.

"I don't know what you're talking about, you're really confusing me." I mumbled, pushing Ava's hand away, slowly but firmly.

"I don't know Paige like you do, but she was really thin, Em. Thin and pale and weak and shaky. Don't tell me she's always looked like this."

"She said she was dehydrating." I replied.

"And Gabriela? I mean, seriously? The girl looked like Emma Stone or maybe Lindsay Lohan. I'm not buying it."

I couldn't help but notice that my girlfriend sounded upset. I also noticed that it was the first time I had seen her this way, more emotional than usual.

"Ava I don't know why you're getting so angry, it's none of our business anyway."

"It became our business when you decided to go on dates with your ex again, Emily." Ava replied immediately, her voice strict. "With your ex who cheated on you, lied to you, and who's clearly still lying to you."

Hearing those words, I sat up in bed, turning on the lamp on my nightstand, glaring at my girlfriend.

"You've got to be joking! This is making no sense! You're searching for stuff to criticize because it bothers you that I'm seeing her again!"

"Are you closing your eyes on purpose? It's not that hard to see the obvious Em, it's happening right in front of your nose! You could save yourself a lot of pain if you'd be willing to see people for who they really are instead of always searching for the good in them."

"Are you calling me naive?" I asked.  
Ava sighed hard, knowing that this was dangerous ground.

"No Em, I'm worried okay? Have you looked at Gabriela's car?"

"I liked it, there was a rainbow sticker on the backdoor."

"Em! It was an old VW Polo, probably built like two decades ago. Gabriela is supposed to be a doctor. Doctors have money. They can buy far better cars."

I got out of the bed and put on my clothes, leaving Ava speechless.

"Where are you going, it's the middle of the night?!"

"I'm tired of people telling me they want to protect me. Or telling me what's best for me. Or telling me what I deserve and what not. I can decide what's best for me, okay? And right now that would be sleeping in my own bed."

Ava was aware that the little speech was not only connected to this particular situation. Not only about the way she had treated Emily. She was scared to think more of it, scared to admit to herself how deep the wound of Emily's and Paige's breakup must have been and how many unresolved emotions, fears and insecurities her girlfriend was still carrying inside of her. Yet she knew there was nothing she could do but to let Emily go for the night.

"Em, if I'm making this all up, then why did you lie there, sleepless, staring at the ceiling all night? If it was only some casual date? If this is only happening in my head?" Ava's voice was much softer again.

"I will call you tomorrow."

Ava nodded. "Em, I love you."

My girlfriend's features softened and brought out a little smile, then I nodded slowly before finally leaving the room.

* * *

Ava sighed, still not believing that their perfect relationship had so quickly turned around and proceeded down such a rocky path. The events of the night didn't leave her mind and she refused to accept that she had acted paranoid and was only driven by jealousy.

Sure she was jealous, sure this wasn't easy, but Ava liked to think she was a rather mature person, able to tolerate a lot of things and situations. Usually her feelings didn't trick her like this.

Focusing on the search bar she typed in the name of the person who had confused her the most - Gabriela Garcia.

"2.260.000 hits?" She mumbled in frustration. Her cursor went back to the search bar and added the word 'doctor'.

"2.392 hits, that's something to work with." She said, scanning the page before finding the first link that looked promising.

"Let's see what we have here."


	5. Chapter 5

"I knew it." Ava mumbled, scrolling down the webpage she had been looking for all night. She knew she had been right all along. She had been convinced from the start that something was odd.

Ava didn't really know what to do with the newfound information. She didn't really knew Paige, didn't know this person she was looking at, Doctor Gabriela Garcia. The doctor did exist only looked totally different. This was not acceptable. She would not accept this, would not let this person hurt Emily twice.

"Believe me now?" Was all she typed as she opened the text app. Then she added the link to Gabriela's web profile to the message before pushing the send-button. Ava sighed. She actually felt sorry for her girlfriend.

* * *

I sat on the balcony, watching the sunrise, hugging my legs, a blanket wrapped around my shoulders to protect me from the cold autumn breeze. I felt at peace in these moments. Felt somehow connected to the last bits of beauty in this world.  
Not having to wear a wig made me feel free. I wasn't sure if I was sad that I'm going to leave this place. I figured that, once I'd be gone, it wouldn't matter anymore. I'd simply disappear and it would be okay. It was worse for the people who were left behind, much worse.

I had often tried to imagine how I would have felt if Emily and my situation had been reversed. How I'd deal with a life without Emily, a life where I'd lose my girlfriend to some terrible disease. The thought alone had been almost too awful to take.

I took a deep breath, inhaling the clear and fresh air to let it fill my lungs. I was scared. Why was I still scared? That it'd hurt? To die? No. I wasn't scared of the pain anymore, I'd experienced enough of that in the past months. Maybe I was scared of being alone. Of leaving this world alone. I'd most likely not be alone. I'd probably have doctors with me. But this was something I'd be facing all by myself. I was scared of the moment when I'd know it'd be over. Time to say goodbye. Scared of knowing it was time to let go, searching for a face she loved and finding none.

The thought made me tear up.

If I was honest with myself, I knew I could leave this world a little happier if Emily's face was the last thing I saw. The loving look on her face that she had given me so many times, so pure and full of honesty.

But no. That was not going to happen.  
What was the point in all of this anyway? I was getting weaker every day and as weird as it was to admit it, I had given up. If another chemo could keep me alive for a few weeks longer, what would it change? It wouldn't change a damn thing about my situation. I wasn't strong enough to do the things I used to like, I had lost the woman I loved, why put myself through this miserable procedure again?

I had made my decision. I'd let my body decide when it was time to go and until then, I'd try to enjoy peaceful mornings on my balcony and the wind in my hair and the cold breeze on my neck.

I still had memories, memories I am thankful for and those had to be enough.

* * *

I had woken up to Ava's text. A text from Ava in the morning was nothing unusual, but this particular morning it made me feel uncomfortable in my stomach. I had stared at Gabriela's picture for quite a while trying hard to find an explanation, to find any reason to still trust Paige, but it didn't quite work out. I needed to know. I couldn't ignore this.

At first I wanted to discuss the issue with Ava once more but somehow I knew I had to trust my instincts this time. I had to confront Paige, simply ask her about it without any other person being involved in this.

Yes, even after all this time, this was between the two of us. A potential lie or excuse that had affected our relationship so this was nobody else's concern. Before I had a chance to change my mind, I grabbed my coat, phone still in hand and headed to the place I once called home.

It was hard to stand in front of the entrance door again after all this time. I wondered why Paige hadn't moved out. Wasn't that what couples usually did after a breakup? Move into new, separate places to get rid of the many memories that were still lying in these walls?

How could Paige live her life with a new woman in the same rooms she had decorated with me? In the same kitchen in which we had always cooked together? Probably have sex in the same bed in which we had made love to each other?

Maybe this had all been easier for Paige than it was for me. Maybe removing some pictures from the wall had been enough for her.

I rang the bell, my hands shaking. The times when I used to have a key to this door were long over.

It was possible that Paige wasn't home, that she was still at work or busy with other things.

When there was no answer I rang a second time, then a third. I was about to leave when I suddenly heard a rather weak voice answer. "Who is it?"

I figured Paige must have taken a nap as she sounded a little drowsy.

"It's me, Emily." Suddenly I was not so sure anymore that this was such a good idea. What was I going to do once Paige let me in? Confront her right away? I knew her well enough to say that she was most likely going to switch to her defensive mode. Even if Ava was right, even if the real Gabriela was not the person we had met the other day, I doubted that Paige would just admit it like that.

There was a moment of silence before the voice returned. "What are you doing here, Em?"

I had to bite my lower lip, deliberating my next words.

"Can I come in?" I replied, hoping that talking face-to-face might make it easier.

Silence again.

"Give me a minute okay?"

"Sure."

I waited. It was a cold day, a typical autumn day.

I stepped inside, wiping my shoes on the old doormat in the hallway. Still the same doormat, yet it looked a little dirtier than last year.

The door to the apartment was ajar, yet Paige didn't seem to wait at the entrance to greet her. Entering the room felt like an uncomfortable path down memory lane. It felt like coming back home from a long vacation. The moment when you step inside a familiar building, take in its particular smell, and everything looks the same, yet everything feels different.

Paige had changed some pieces of furniture, changed the pictures on the wall. But this was still the carpet they had picked out together back in the day when they were shopping at IKEA. Still the same sofa. Still the same coffee stain she had once left on the armchair.

"I'm still in the bathroom." Paige's voice shook me out of my thoughts and I nodded to herself, sitting down on the couch nervously straightening my shirt. I tried not to look around too much, tried not to take in too much of that familiar feeling. I was only here to get answers. Only here to clear things up. If Paige really lied to me, then I could finally move on. I would accept that Paige had a problem being honest with me. I'd leave her alone and go back to my new relationship. Apologize to Ava. Maybe I should have listened to her in the first place.

Then Paige came out, her old sweatpants hanging loosely around her legs. I knew those sweatpants, they were Paige's favorite. Her Sunday pants, as she'd liked to call them, only it was Wednesday today. The white t-shirt seemed to be three sizes too large. Her arms looked thin. Like matchsticks.

"Why didn't you call first?" Paige asked confused, her voice still tired as she let herself sink down on the armchair at the other side of the living room table. "Oh. I'm sorry." She continued. "I didn't offer you anything to drink."

"It's fine, I'm good." I reassured her, wondering how on earth to start the conversation now.

"I'm sorry I didn't call, it's just, I was in the neighborhood and..." I sighed. "Are you lying to me Paige?"

Now that was a start. A very direct start.

Paige's eyes widened at my words and she frowned, her already pale face losing its last few bits of color.

"Excuse me?" She replied slowly, looking around the room to avoid my gaze.

"I'm sorry to come on to you like this, it's probably stupid and probably nothing but..." I cleared my throat, trying to search Paige's eyes to make out her reaction. "Paige, if you didn't want to see me anymore, you could just have told me, you know? I wouldn't be mad. I managed to get over you, I'm not planning to stalk you or whatever, so there's really no need to lie."

"Why am I hearing the word lie so often?" Paige replied harshly, looking offended. "Who said anything about lying, I don't even know what this is about."

"It's just..." I closed my eyes for a second to regain some confidence before grabbing my iPhone. I opened the browser with the link that Ava had sent me. The link that lead me to Gabriela's webpage, to the picture of a woman who had the same name but certainly not the same face as the red head who had played miniature golf with us the day before.

I reached over the table to hand Paige the phone who took it and stared at the display.

"What... this..." She stuttered. "What are you trying to tell me? All I see is some person who happens to have the same name as my girlfriend. There are probably tons of people with the same name, I -"

"Please be honest with me..." I interrupted, already feeling some tears well up in my eyes. I knew Paige. I knew Ava was right. I knew Paige was lying.

Paige's expression was serious. Cold even. She put the phone back on the table, getting up from her chair.

"I guess it's for the best if you leave now."

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you to. Because I didn't invite you. Because you can't just show up here like that and accuse me of some shit. Because we're not together anymore. Because I'm trying to forget you!"


	6. Chapter 6

Paige's voice was angry. Hurt. Close to breaking.

I got up from the couch as I stuffed the phone back into my jeans pocket, walking over to Paige to let a hand rest on her shoulder.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to say that if you feel like you can't be honest with me, if you feel like you don't want this and there are things you need to hide from me, if you maybe think you can't introduce your real girlfriend to me or I don't know, if you two broke up already and you didn't want to tell me, then - "

"You know nothing, Emily! Nothing, okay? So shut up and stop trying to find answers that are impossible for you to find!"

I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I stared at Paige. "What happened to you?" I whispered, quickly brushing a tear away. "You used to be so honest. Why can't you just tell me that you think I suck and let me go?"

Paige looked up to me, looked me straight in the eyes, her vision blurry.

"Because you don't suck Em." She told me, her voice shaky. "Because you never sucked. Because you've always been the only fucking good thing in my life."

This time it was me who broke eye-contact, looking down at the floor.

"Then why? I don't understand. Please, I just... I don't understand." I didn't want to sound so vulnerable. I didn't want to sound so desperate.

Paige sighed, looking defeated.

"She's my doctor, Em."

I looked up again, puzzled. Something felt wrong. Something felt different. Something scared me.

"She's my doctor. Not my girlfriend. She never was."

"This makes no sense." I slowly replied, wondering if this was just my mind working too slowly again or if it really was confusing.

"Emily, I'm... I'm sick, okay?"

Paige's hand was shaking as she spoke and she stepped away.

"Sick? What's wrong? Do you have the flu? My mom knows about some great meds, I could -"

"It's no flu, Em." Paige answered slowly, her voice softer again, as if part of her had given up. "The real Gabriela is an oncologist. My oncologist."

My mind went blank. Oncologist? What on earth was that? Why wasn't I smarter than that?

"Onco what?" I whispered, embarrassed.

"A doctor for cancer patients." Paige explained.

"You have... you... no" I brought out. "No... I ... I don't understand. She never was your girlfriend? You lied to me?"

"Yes."

My mind was working fast, trying to put one and one together, trying to make sense of it all.

"Why? Why? I ... Why would you? You're sick? How sick are you? You're going to be okay again, right? It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine. Why the lies? Why did you say you dated her? You told me you didn't want kids with me, Paige. I never understood that. I never wanted to pressure you.. I'm.. this is so confusing..."

"I did want kids with you." Paige said, trying to fight against a sob, yet having to smile a little at the thought. "Two at least, maybe three."

"You're making no fucking sense!" I suddenly yelled. I hated using swear words but it was too damn hard to hold them back. "Are you fucking kidding me? Why did you break up with me? Tell me!"

Paige stepped a little closer again until we were only inches apart. She seemed to collect her strength as she swallowed hard, looking at me.

"Because I'm dying Em."

The words felt like a knife in my chest. It still didn't make any sense. Dying? What was she telling me here? This had to be a cruel fucking joke. This was not what I had expected to hear. I could have lived with a lot of things. I could have lived with some stupid excuse _like 'I didn't want you to meet my real girlfriend because I'm jealous and didn't want her to hit on you'._ I could have dealt with a lot of things, but this? No. Just no.

"You're lying again. This is not funny." I said, my voice numb.

"I'm not lying, Emily. For the first time in a long time I'm actually being honest with you." She didn't try to hide the tears anymore that were now running down her cheeks. "I'm dying and I've known for quite a while. I wanted you to move on without me. I wanted you to live a happy life."

"You... you..." I growled, feeling how my face was turning red, heat flushing through my veins, to my cheeks.

"You're telling me that you broke up with me because you are dying? What kind of messed up shit is this? No... no.." I cried. "No, you cannot die. You cannot die, Paige, no. There have to be ways... there have to be ways to make you okay again, no!"

"See?" Paige said softly, smiling sadly. "This is why I didn't tell you. This is what I wanted to avoid. To make you go through this. To see this look on your face. To see you so scared. I didn't want this."

"You fucking broke up with me because you didn't trust me to be there for you!" I sobbed. "You fucking broke up with me even though you still loved me. And I loved you. With all my heart. Always have. And you just pushed me away and made me wonder what I'd done wrong. Made me feel guilty. Made me wonder every single night what I did to deserve this. If I was too stupid for you. If I failed you. You broke up with me and didn't tell me you're fucking dying!"

I was yelling again, not even recognizing myself anymore. I knew I had never felt this way before. I had felt desperate after our breakup. But this? I wasn't sure I was capable of feeling this much, of feeling this terrible.

"I could have been there for you, Paige. I would have been fucking there for you. We could have been together. You didn't even ask me! Didn't you think I had a right to know? We could have fucking been together and you just stole me a year of my life with you. You just took this away from me even though we loved each other. You're crazy, Paige. You're fucking crazy. I'm not the stupid one, you are!"

I wasn't used to feeling so much rage nor being unable to control my own words.

Paige was looking down on the carpet again, silent.

"I'm sorry."

"How much longer do you have?" I sobbed in a high-pitched voice, terrified to hear the answer.

Paige swallowed. "They can't really say, maybe a couple more months, maybe a year. I don't know."

I felt my own fingernails dig hard into my flesh as I was making a fist. "Why did you do this to me?" I whispered. "Why?"

It wasn't a question that required an answer. There were no answers to any of this.

Paige was next to me again, grabbing my hand, squeezing it tightly.

"I never stopped loving you, Em." She told me when our eyes met again. It felt suffocating. As if there was no oxygen left in the room. Then, before I knew it, Paige's lips were on mine. She was pressing me softly against the wall behind us, both of our eyes pressed shut tightly, cheeks still wet.

We didn't move, not even our lips. We just stood there, pressed against each other, hearts beating fast. For only a moment, Paige was with me again. My Paige. Her skin. Her smell. So close to me. For only a second it felt like home. As if it could all be okay. As if this was just a fucking bad nightmare. As if the whole past year was just a stupid dream and when I would open my eyes, we would be happy again. We would be in our living room, about to cook dinner together. About to plan our future.

But I knew, once I would open my eyes again, reality would hit us once more. Paige would still be sick. We would still be broken up. Paige would still die. And I was still dating Ava.

Ava.

I seemed to wake up from my daydream, softly pushing Paige away.

"I... I can't." I whispered, my whole body feeling hot. "I... I have to go."

Paige didn't say anything, didn't try to hold me back. She just stood there, watching me run out the door.

I ran along the streets, not even knowing where I was heading. I ran as fast as my feet would carry me, until I felt completely exhausted, bending over to catch my breath. I could feel my pulse hammering in my temples, could feel my chest closing up.

I looked around, saw cars driving along the streets. Saw people talking to each other, chatting about the weather. Saw kids on their bikes. Saw old couples taking their dogs out for a walk.

Life was still normal. Life was going on for everyone else. The whole city was entirely unaffected by what I had just found out. But for me everything had changed. From one second to the next. A part of me felt as if it had died and I had no fucking idea how to handle it. No Idea at ALL.


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow I'm overwhelmed thank you all! I didn't expect this!**

 **Believe me, I have shed many tears a long the way too :(  
Why Paige? Well honestly that way I managed to portray all the feelings the best, and the protection part worked. Reversed, it came off more selfish with Emily and that's not all what it is.**

 **Don't worry I'll continue to try upload daily.**

 **Paigemarie712 : I'm so sorry to hear about your dad! I'm really happy to hear that miracles do exist. I personally have hard time keeping faith. Partly why I've written this story, I still have troubles dealing with someon's passing. But it's good to hear miracles do excist :)**

 **Let's continue with number 7 and Pam Fields. Enjoy.**

 **And I'm terribly sorry.**

* * *

As much as I wanted to, I couldn't pick up the phone. I knew I owed Ava an explanation and I wanted to tell her everything but I didn't feel as if I could talk about any of this yet. At least not with her. I couldn't put into words what I was feeling.

Betrayal, yes. Sadness, yes. Desperation, definitely.

I knew I loved Ava, but hearing these things from Paige, it changed everything. I knew one thing for sure - I never would have broken up with Paige. I have always been sure that Paige was the person I loved most on this earth and I would have been there for her through thick and thin. The fact that Paige still loves me, that she had never stopped loving me, it made everything entirely different.

But Paige was dying.

The love of my life was dying.

And she had lied to me.

There were no tears left my eyes were dry, yet I couldn't stop sobbing. It was still hard to breathe, my body was still shaking and my chest hurt. My throat, too.

Whenever I managed to calm down, whenever I managed to empty my head a little, the thoughts kept coming back. Awful thoughts of Paige's funeral. Awful thoughts of a world in which Paige McCullers didn't exist anymore. Then it started all over again, the lack of oxygen, the need to throw up.

Part of me wanted to pack my bags, wanted to bang against Paige's door. I wanted to hug her and never let her go and snuggle up with her under the covers. We would just lie there and hug each other forever, until the very last day. We wouldn't leave the bed anymore, we would shut out the world completely and be around each other 24/7 to make up for this fucking year we had lost.

I knocked at the door of the house I had grown up in but my arms were powerless.

"Mom." I whispered, occasional sobs still shaking me like hiccups, the alcohol I had on the way made it hard to see. "Mom! Mom, please open the door, it's me..."

I grabbed my phone once more, ignoring Ava's five missed calls as I dialed my mother's number with shaky fingers.

"Sweetie! How are you, darling?"

"Mom, I'm outside, please let me in..."

"Oh what a nice surprise! Give me a second."

The door swung open only seconds later and the smile on Pam Fields lips quickly faded as she saw her daughter standing in front of her, her eyes red and swollen, none of her usual happiness displayed on her features.

"What on earth happened, baby? Oh my god, did Ava cheat on you? I swear I'll kick her thin little ass. I might be almost 50 but I'm still in good shape, I can take a-"

"You're 53, mom." I slurred before the tears started running down my cheeks again.

"Details..." Pam mumbled. She took a closer look, I had trouble standing straight as I supported myself against the doorframe.

"What is it with you and your girlfriends? I don't understand it don't they see how amazing you are?"

"Mom, it's not that she didn't cheat on me." I mumbled, burying my face in my mother's sweater who slowly closed the entrance door behind us. "In fact, neither did Paige."

Pam frowned, softly pushing me back to look at my face.

"What do you mean?" She queried, raising one eyebrow.

"Mom, it's Paige... she's..."

/

"I should have figured... ssshhh... I should have known that no other person on this planet would cause my daughter so much heartbreak oh sweet baby. You're still not over her, are you?"

I nodded slowly. It was all I could do in that moment.

The phone was vibrating again.

"Are you sure you don't want to pick up, honey? That's so unlike you, you know you have to tell Ava about this."

Pam Fields was the first person I knew I could turn to whenever I was in trouble or feeling sad, my mother always knew what to do.

Telling her about everything had made the tight feeling in my stomach a little more bearable. My mom had been there for me during the breakup and even at that time she had been suspicious. My mother had felt the need to yell at Paige for breaking up with her precious daughter and causing her heartbreak, also part of her had been sure that Paige McCullers loved me more than anything in this world. She had known something was odd.

"I want to tell her and I will. Of course I will. Just right now it's hard because I don't know what to say to her."

My mother nodded.

"You don't know if you still want to be with her now that you know Paige still loves you."

I looked up to my mother, shaking my head. "What? No. No, of course I want to be with her, I love her, mom. I do."

"I know you do, honey." Mom replied nodding, smiling compassionately.

"But people can love more than one person, you know? Your love for Paige never disappeared, it's still inside you. It may not have been as close to the surface anymore, after you found Ava, but now all the old feelings are coming back. It makes everything different. Mixed with the fact that Paige is sick. I'd never blame you for being confused, Sweetie."

I was rubbing my temples now, thinking about popping in some painkillers to get rid of that constant throbbing in my head. I felt dizzy and close to throwing up.

"Maybe you should tell Ava that you need a break, that you need to figure things out..."

"Mom!" I interrupted her, frowning, my voice upset. "I know you always loved Paige like your own daughter, but I can't just break up with Ava, I can't, it's not right. I want to be with her, she's always been good to me. And despite the fact that I can't deny that I still have feelings for Paige... she hurt me, mom. It wasn't fair... It wasn't fair what she did to me..."

My mom sighed, nodding as she stroked my back.

"You're right but then you should really pick up your phone the next time."

"I will." I agreed when I suddenly pushed my mother's arm away and quickly got up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" She asked surprised, watching me stumble hastily off the couch.

"I think I have to puke..." I whined, holding her hand in front of my mouth, just in case.

"Honey wait, I'll hold your hair."


	8. Chapter 8

I sat in my living room, not able to move. All I could think of was Emily's lips against my own as I softly let my thumb brush along my lower lip.

The emotions, the fear I had seen on my ex-girlfriend's features had been the main reason for this whole damn lie. I was sure I'd never be able to delete this out of my memories.

This wasn't worth it. This earth was a miserable place. A place in which I had taken away the happiness from the one person who made this world a little better. I hated myself. I hated my body for doing these things to her. It was all my fault, I was destroying another person's life.

If I wasn't such a big coward, I'd finish the job myself. I had thought of it many times. Had thought of ending things on my own will, of not letting the disease win. I was my own boss, I had always been my own fucking boss. What did this fucking cancer think? That I'd silently wait until it killed me? I might as well do it, do it my own way.

But then Gabriela had kept reminding me that I wasn't a quitter. I was a fighter. I had been through enough shit in my life. If I wanted to show this damn cancer that it couldn't make any decisions about my life, then I had to fight. Fight with all the power I had left.

But that had been months ago. That had been before we found out that the chemo didn't work. That had been before I crushed my ex-girlfriend's world.

What was there left to live for now? Nothing. Fucking nothing.

It was time to leave this place.

No, I wasn't going to kill myself, not yet, but it was time to get away from here. Away from this apartment full of memories, away from my doctor who kept trying to talk me into another chemo, away from the woman I loved and whose life I was mixing up, away from everything.

I would jump into a plane and find a quiet place to die. I'd spend all my money in those last months and make it easier for everyone. It was time to say goodbye to Paige McCullers.

I got up from my seat, my eyes narrowed as I ripped the first few pictures off the wall. I stumbled through the hallway, ripping all those closets and drawers open, searching through all the pieces of furniture to find old photo albums. Documents. Certificates. Letters. Anything with my name on it.

I carried the whole bunch of pictures and papers outside on my balcony, throwing them into an iron bin, piece by piece.

A swimming award from when I was six – bye-bye.

Pictures of myself, smiling next to my parents – bye.

Several certificates from swim camp – I hesitated.

My thoughts were flashing back to the nights when Emily had crawled into my bed in our dorm. We had been fourteen and far from dating officially.

Sometimes we kissed, when we could be sure that no one was looking. At that point I had been convinced that we were only curious. Little had I known that this girl would forever be my one and only. That she would be all I could possibly want in life.

I stared at the certificates one last time before finally throwing them into the bin as well.

A few pictures were a little harder to throw away. A few pictures that reminded me of the happy times, the careless times. I let my finger run along the images, along my happy features, my smiling face. There weren't many of those pictures. A lot of them portrayed a young woman who was scared to show her true self, scared to deal with herself and her sexuality. The best pictures were those of my happiest years living together with my girlfriend, finally having found myself, finally sure where I belonged.

Three happy years I was thankful for. We should have made more pictures in those years. They were the only ones that were worth remembering.

I shook my head, close to crying again, so I threw the whole album into the bin before any particular picture might make my stomach turn around again.

I swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump in my throat as I got the matchsticks out of my pocket.

I watched the memories of myself burn. I stared into the flames of my past, watched the thick smoke being carried away into the sky.

My gaze followed the red sparks that were flying around and it felt as if a heavy weight had fallen off my shoulders. I had the upper hand. I could make the decisions. It was up to me to decide when I was going to leave and this was the first step. I needed this. Needed this to remind myself that I didn't want to look back anymore.

The heat radiating from the little fire felt warm on my skin and I closed my eyes for a moment, listening to the rustling and burning paper in the bin. Tonight I was going to look for a place to travel to. For my final destination. I'd check my bank account and then make a decision. The beach? Mountains? Deserts? Forests? I was sure the internet would provide me with a few ideas.

* * *

It was bright when I opened my eyes. My heart skipped a beat when I realized I was at my mother's place and within seconds I felt my stomach tighten. The memories came back, my awful headache an instant reminder.  
It all felt like a bad dream, like the worst nightmare. But it wasn't a dream. It was real.

I needed to get out of this house. I felt dirty and sweaty and uncomfortable and there were so many things going on in my head that I needed to sort out. I had to plan my next move, had to get a clear head and do something.

I quickly stripped out of my pajamas, putting my jeans and shirt back on before quickly running into the living room. My mother was preparing breakfast and the kitchen smelled like fresh coffee.

"Mom... Mom, I have to go. I ... I shouldn't have passed out like this, I'm sorry, I -"

"Good morning, honey." My mother greeted, pouring some orange juice into a glass. "Don't apologize, rather sit down and eat something with me. You need some energy."

"I'm sorry but I can't."

Pam sighed, giving me a concerned look. "Of course you can, Emmy. I understand that you're still mixed up and emotional but there's nothing you can do that will change the situation right now. You might as well think of your health and give your body some vitamins."

I didn't think of sitting down, I only grabbed the glass and downed the orange juice.

"I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Pam nodded, obviously unsure if she could let me leave in the emotional state I was in.

"Emmy?"

"Hmm?"

"Please tell Paige that I'm sending her all my best wishes, will you? And bring her over here whenever you want to. I'd be happy to have dinner with you two, just as in good old times..."

I swallowed, closing the top button of my warm coat as I tried hard not to imagine Paige and I happily sitting at the dinner table with my family. Tried not to think of the many times Paige had been angry with me because I had started stroking her thigh under said table, my hand always traveling a little higher while Paige had nervously tried to push me away.

 _'You can't do these things when we're around your parents, Em!' Paige had yelled, her cheeks flushed. 'It's beyond awkward to talk about my job or our future plans while you do these... these... things to me.'_

I would make a pouty face, looking as innocent as ever, playing with my hair as I was staring at my own feet, hanging my head in shame. _Paige soon gave in and started smiling, not able to hold back her laughter any longer._

 _'Oh fuck this, I still love you but you need to behave next time...' she had said, grinning, before attacking me._

 _'And now I'll show you what naughty really means...'_

"Em?" My mother interrupted my thoughts and I quickly shook my head to get rid of the daydream.

"Yeah.. yes, I'll tell her that."

I looked sad as I quickly hugged my mother goodbye and made my way over to the door.

"Bye, mom."

I made my way out of the house, feeling terribly sorry for not having talked to my girlfriend. I was sure Ava must be worried and angry.

17 missed calls. Five texts.

The cold air outside felt as if it were hitting my face. I pulled my scarf a little tighter, icy fingers quickly dialing her number.

"Emily, where the fuck have you been?" My girlfriend yelled into the speaker so that I had to hold it a little further away from my ear. Sweet and calm Ava could obviously be loud and angry.

"I'm so sorry Ava, I was at my mom's."

"All night? Seriously Emily, I was this close to calling the police because you never answered my calls. Is there something you need to tell me? Seriously, tell me!"

"Ava..." I started, sitting down on a huge stone, stretching my legs. I sighed.

"Ava, Paige is dying."

Silence.

"She's... what?"

"She has cancer. She only has a few more months to live. She lied to me to protect me there's no other woman... there never was."

"Oh my god." Ava's voice was entirely serious now, numb almost. "Em, I don't know what to say. I mean how could she do that? Lie to you like this? Of course it's awful and I'm terribly sorry to hear all this, what are you going to do now?"

"Be there for her, that's what I'm going to do. I have to. I've known her my whole life and she's all alone. I can't let her be alone. I can't."

"Yes of course you need to be there for her and I'm willing to help you if you need me. I'm really sorry, you must feel completely awful."

"It's been the worst night of my life." I replied honestly, rubbing my arms in the cold as I was watching my breath in front of my face. "And I don't know how to deal with it. Not at all."

"Why didn't you call me earlier, Em? I'm your girlfriend, your partner. Why did you shut me out? Why didn't you contact me in such a situation and asked me to be there for you?"

"I... I don't know, I was just completely confused." It was the truth, I had never been more confused in my life.

"I'm sorry." Ava continued, "I don't want to be too demanding it's just, what is this going to mean for us, Em?" Her voice sounded fragile now, almost shy. "... please, if you're going to break up with me I need to know it right away please spare me an even bigger heartbreak."

I wasn't sure if I had ever felt such a thick lump in my throat before. I didn't want to lose Ava, I loved having her in my life but right now, right now all I could think of was Paige. All I could think about was how much time there might be left for her.

I tried hard to think rationally, tried hard to look at the situation from a more neutral perspective. Tried to see things the way I had seen them a week or a month ago, when Ava had been the most important person in my life. No. I couldn't lose her.

"So? Are you? Breaking up with me?" Ava whispered, not able to hide the fear in her voice.

"No. I do love you. I want to be with you. You've always been so good to me it's just..." I tried to explain, biting my lower lip. "Please understand that I need to be there for Paige in these next months if she lets me. Please understand that it has nothing to do with us or the fact that she's my ex but she has no one Ava. She's all alone. I don't want her to die alone. She needs me."

The last part was barely more than a whisper and Ava swallowed.

"I understand that." Ava told me sincerely. "I promise."

"Okay... um... thank you." I replied nodding slowly to herself, the phone still pressed closely to my ear.

"I love you" Ava said, her voice hopeful as she waited for my reply.

"I love you, too" I replied and I knew I wasn't lying. I did love Ava. I'd never want to hurt her. "I promise to call you soon, okay?"

"Yeah." Ava agreed and the call soon disconnected.

I took a deep breath. The first step was done. Things with Ava were clear for now. Now I definitely have to talk to Paige again.

It didn't take me long to get back to the apartment, the front door was open since the old neighbor Mrs Davis was cleaning the hallway, sweeping some dirt out onto the pavement.

"Hi Mrs Davis" I greeted her friendly and the old lady nodded in my direction.

"Emily." She muttered. "Are you and Paige back together?"

She sounded as if she were scared of the answer and I had to hold back a smile.

"No." I answered. "We're just friends again." I smiled.

"...with benefits..." the elderly woman mumbled bitterly, focusing on her broom again.

I pretended not to hear her as I made my way to Paige's apartment. I knocked but no one answered. I carefully tried to push the door open since Paige usually kept it open during the day and only locked up before she went to bed.

"Paige?" I asked, slowly stepping inside. "Paige, are you there?"

But then I saw her and my heart skipped a beat. Paige was asleep on the sofa, an empty bottle of wine on the floor and the laptop open on the table. She was lying on her belly, one arm and one leg hanging off the couch' and her hair, her hair was short.

It took me a minute to understand what was going on and the tears came back right away. Paige looked beautiful, even with shorter hair. She looked thin and exhausted but her face was as flawless as ever. Her hair was barely covering her ears and I couldn't help but notice that it underlined her beautiful features even more. Paige was the prettiest woman I knew and the short hair was a reminder of what she must have been through. Without me.

Yes, I had heard stories about chemo's. Had heard about the side effects, about the weakness, the pain. The chance that they might not work.

Here she was, my Paige. She had lost her hair, had been sitting through hours of torture and I, wasn't there. I felt my chest closing up again, felt my breath shorten, felt the silly need to stroke Paige's head.

"Paige... hey" I tried waking her, softly rubbing her arm above Paige's sweater.

Paige's eyes opened slowly and she gave me a weak smile.

"Em..."

For a moment she seemed entirely happy to see me until her features became serious again.  
"Uh, Em.. what are you doing here?"

She immediately realized she wasn't wearing her wig and frantically started searching for it, protectively wrapping her hands around her naked neck and shoulders.

"Here..." I said softly, handing Paige the wig that had been lying on the floor. I figured I could tell her she didn't need it, could tell her that she looked beautiful without it, but I also figured this wasn't the right time or the right place.

I looked around the room, noticing that the walls were emptier than the last time I had seen them. Pictures were missing. It made me worry.

"Em, I don't know why you're here again but if it's about that kiss, I'm sorry. We – I mean, I shouldn't have. And I understand it was wrong and it's definitely for the best if we stop seeing each other."

"Why would you say that." I replied slowly, though it wasn't a question, it was more of an exhausted statement. Why would she still push me away, even now, after everything was out in the open?

"Em, I made my decision. It wasn't what I had planned, it wasn't what was supposed to happen. If you had never found out you would have forgotten me at some point. But it didn't work like that. We ran into each other again and it mixed everything up but I'm leaving. I'm leaving for real and it will make it easier, less complicated. And you can go back to your life and - "

"Shut up" I told her, my face strict.

"Excuse me?" Paige replied frowning, adjusting the wig on her head as she spoke, getting a bit of her old confidence back.

"You're going to sit down and you're going to listen to me now, Paige." I started, my voice not allowing any kind of protest. "I'm tired of all the plans that you've made. I'm seriously tired of it. Tired of the fact that you, for some reason, think that you have the right to keep things from me and decide things over my head. I don't know what on earth made you do this and trust me, I am still so so mad at you. I am still so so mad at you and I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you would choose this life over me. Even if you say you did this to protect me it's no excuse..."

I took a deep breath, sitting down in front of Paige so our faces were on the same level and I could look straight into her eyes.

"You're still important to me, Paige. You'll always be important to me. I've loved you with all my heart, even long before we started dating. I grew up with you. You're a part of me, don't you see that?"

Paige tried to break eye-contact, tried to keep herself from tearing up, but I softly grabbed her chin and made her look at me again.

"You've made enough crazy plans for both of us. Now it's time that I make a plan, you hear me? It's my turn now. You owe me that much. I will not accept this decision you made. I will not let you leave this world alone, you hear me?" I was tearing up myself again, my voice shaky.

"I want to be here for you. And I will be here for you through anything..."

I took Paige's hand in mine, squeezing it slightly.

"I have a few demands, Paige."

Paige stared at me with huge eyes, her chest heaving.

"I demand that you let me do this, I demand that you let me back into your life. As the girl who has been your best friend since first grade. As the girl who knows you better than anybody else in this world. I demand that you don't hide yourself from me. I demand that even if we're not together anymore, you will tell me how you feel, you will tell me when you're scared."

I squeezed Paige's hand a little tighter when I saw a tear on her cheek.

"And I want you to allow me to be scared, too. I want us to be honest with each other. No more lies, never again. I want us to cry together when we feel the need to, I want us to hug each other when we need the comfort, I want us to laugh together when we need to cheer each other up. I want you to take me to your doctor's appointments. I don't want you to go alone anymore. I want to know everything that's going on with you, I want to know everything about your medical condition. I'm going to read as much as I can about cancer, until my brain will feel like fried eggs, and then I want to talk to that doctor and hear everything she has to say about the situation. I can't accept any excuse, Paige. I can't accept you leaving me and not allowing me to appreciate every minute I have left with you."

My own cheeks were wet again, but my voice remained steady.

"You're my best friend, Paige. You always will be."

Paige was still staring back at me, her eyes rapidly moving in her head. She brushed away some tears with the back of her sleeve, needing to look away for a second.

"Now you can say something..." I tried to encourage her, searching my friend's eyes again.

Paige swallowed hard, her hand shaking underneath mine. Yet she cleared her throat to find her voice back.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I asked, needing the reassurance.

"Yes. Okay." Paige repeated nodding, a small smile forming on her lips.

Before I had time to think, I had my arms wrapped closely around the woman in front of me, pressing her against my chest as if I would never let her go again. I breathed in the smell of her hair once more, clinging onto her thin body as if Paige might disappear once I'd let go.

"You can't get rid of me that easily." I mumbled into Paige's hair. "And I won't let you leave me like this not like this, you hear me?"

"I hear you." Paige nodded again. "Loud and clear."

For this one moment it was okay. For this one moment Paige laughed. For a moment it felt as if everything was going to be okay.


	9. Chapter 9

The situation with Paige was still confusing, it was still occupying my mind 24/7. It had controlled my thoughts when I was at my mother's place, it had controlled me at Ava's place, at the library, in my dreams, and it was controlling me now.

I hadn't paid attention to one word my annoying client Mrs. Robertson had said to me. Something about her son I assumed, as always. Trying to finish the haircut as quickly as possible in order to get Mrs. Robertson to shut up, I half-heartedly shortened the woman's hair, the scissors almost cutting into my own flesh in the process.

Just as I was about to hold up the hand mirror for my client so she'd be able to take a look at the back of her head , I realized that I had completely messed up. Part of the woman's hair was far too short and the only way to save this haircut was to shorten it entirely. My face lost its last bits of color.

"What is it, what are you staring at?" Mrs. Robertson asked confused, her hand reaching out behind her head to examine what I had done.

"What did you do?" She shrieked, "Let me see."

"I... I don't.. uh..." I stuttered as my boss made her way over to us, immediately realizing that something was wrong.

"Out" She ordered, her face strict. "I'm serious, Emily. Get out and come back when you're your old self again."

I nodded, my hands shaking. I mumbled an apology before grabbing my bag and heading out, my colleague Bella right behind me.

"Em, wait a minute!"

I stormed out, catching my breath as I let myself sink down on a bench outside of the salon, biting the inside of my cheek to retain some control. What was this shit? What was I supposed to do? Was it always going to be like this from now on? This was nothing I could get used to. This wasn't just a phase. Back to my old self? When was that supposed to happen? When I had gotten used to the fact that my best friend was going to die? Or maybe after Paige's death? When she was gone and I'd get used to being without her forever? Whoever got fucking used to that? When would there ever be a point when I didn't feel like crying for god's sake?

Bella sat down next to me, giving me a concerned look.

"Em, what's going on? You want to talk about it?"

"I messed up Mrs. Robertson's hair." I whispered, my foot tapping nervously on the asphalt.

"Yeah, I got that part. But I mean in general. What happened?"

"Paige happened."

"Paige McCullers. Your ex." Bella stated and I nodded. "You didn't know, did you?"

I gave her a confused look, my chin shivering a little.

"The other day, when I asked you about her, you didn't know she was sick."

I shook my head.

"I'm so sorry" Bella told me, patting my thigh.

"I feel so embarrassed" I admitted, not knowing what to focus my gaze on. I felt like hiding somewhere. Forever hiding.

"I only knew because she bought her first wig here, it was before you worked with us. She didn't talk much about it, it's awful, she's so young."

"Too young" I agreed, hating the thick lump in my throat that didn't really wanted to disappear lately.

"Will you be all right?" Bella asked carefully. I smiled sadly.

"She won't be all right. That's all that matters at the moment. And it sucks."

She nodded, giving me a hug. I appreciated these moments. I appreciated that Bella stopped asking because it was clear that there was nothing more to say. I appreciated being close to people, appreciated the chance to let myself go for a mere moment, to close my eyes and be embraced.

"Do you want me to call Ava for you?" Bella offered but I shook my head, reaching for my own cell.

"I'm good. Thank you though."

Bella nodded.

"I'll talk to our boss, okay? Don't worry. Plus, let's be honest, you did Mrs. Robertson a favor. Ladies her age should stop trying to look like teenagers. Shorter hair will be much better for her."

I smiled as Bella gave me one last brief hug and waved, quickly moving back to the salon.

/

With Paige being back in their life, Ava couldn't help but feel scared. Scared to lose her girlfriend, scared of all the emotions that were slowly bubbling to the surface. She had never seen her like that before. Emily was changing entirely and it terrified Ava.

"Em, I'm sorry about what happened." Ava began, holding the door of her car open for me to get in. "I think you should take a few days off. To clear your head."

I buckled up, looking out of the window.

"Yeah I thought about it. I might really need some time off."

Ava smiled as she sat down next to me, starting the engine and slowly petting my leg.

"That's good. You should really try to recover, it was a lot to take. I don't know, we could get away for a bit if you like? I'm sure I could arrange something at work, a little weekend trip? We've never done that. It would be our first little vacation."

I stared at Ava as if she were from another planet, my eyes moving rapidly in my head as my forehead was turning more wrinkly every second.

"You're kidding, right?"

Ava cleared her throat, focusing on the road.

"Why would I be kidding?" She asked, gripping the wheel a little tighter. She had a pretty good idea where this was going and she certainly didn't like it.

"Ava, I'm not going to leave town when my friend is dying." I stated as if Ava was out of her mind, leaning back against the passenger seat.

Ava could feel the heat rush to her face, could feel her pulse race as the jealousy and insecurity kicked in.

"Em, you are my girlfriend. All I asked you was if you wanted to get away with me for a weekend to clear your head because you obviously don't feel good. I was thinking of you and your health."

I shook my head, yet I remained quiet.

"And what's with the silent treatment now?" Ava queried. "Okay, if you want to spend the time with Paige then just say so."

"Don't even start an argument about this or you can stop the car right now. I am not going to fight about this. She needs me and you said you'd be okay with it. Ava, you said you'd want to help me, how is it helpful if you're trying to take me away from her and make me forget? It wouldn't work anyway."

Yeah, it wasn't going to work, Ava was sure of that by now. Nobody had a chance against the ex, right? Wasn't this some unwritten law or something? That you could never compete with another person's first love?

Oh god, what was she even thinking. They were talking about a sick person, she should show more compassion, shouldn't she? Jealousy shouldn't be more important than that.

Plus, her girlfriend was obviously the most social and caring person Ava knew. She was doing the right thing. Who was she to try and hold her back?

"I'm sorry." Ava offered slowly, glancing over to Emily who still wasn't looking at her.

"What do you want to do now? Want me to take you home?"

I nodded, clearing her throat.

"Actually I want to take a hot shower, get cleaned up and then head over to Paige's. There are still a few things I need to discuss with her and she needs some real food, some proper groceries."

Now it was Ava's turn to remain quiet.

"I don't know, I think we need to get used to each other again, but once Paige feels a little better and more open towards me, I'd say you should come with me sometime. For instance, you could come with me to her place, get to know her a little better."

Ava had to raise an eyebrow, not sure what to say about all this.

"I don't want you to think that I'm shutting you out of my life." I continued. "I want you to be a part of this. I need you to be."

And Ava wanted to, she really did. Still, part of her wasn't sure how hard it was going to be, for all three of them. It kind of looked like a dead-end.

Damn, Ava loved her. She loved Emily Fields and she knew the woman was worth fighting for.


	10. Chapter 10

I was carrying two huge bags of groceries that were so full that Paige was worried I might drop half of their content any second.

"Let me help you." Paige offered and I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything against it.

"Don't give me that look, I can carry some groceries." Paige said with a warning look and I nodded.

"What are you cooking?" Paige asked.

"You'll see. Just relax and let me do my thing."

"Okay, okay." Paige replied, raising her hands in defense. "Just tell me if you need any help."

"Will do." I said smiling, opening the book I had brought with me. It was full of colorful post-it's with little notes that bookmarked the best recipes.

"Since when do you need glasses for reading?" Paige asked confused, wrapping herself in a huge blanket.

"I don't, but they make me look intelligent, don't you think?"

"You're such a dork." Paige laughed, shaking her head. Emily was still too adorable for words.

I started slicing the vegetables and I had to say it felt good preparing a meal in what used to be our kitchen. I still knew my way around, although everything else changed the cabinets didn't.

After a while the whole apartment was filled with a delicious smell and for the first time in a long time Paige found herself to be truly hungry. In the past months eating had mostly been an annoying necessity for her, something she did in order not to starve and to keep her strength, but nothing she truly enjoyed. Now she could feel her mouth get watery, could feel some weird anticipation inside of her belly, looking forward to sitting down with Emily at their dinner table and see her smile when they ate.

Paige sipped the last of her tea, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands when she felt the cool breeze from the open window blow inside the living room. She loved being inside when it was freezing outside, loved the fact that it was already getting dark in the afternoon. She loved the warm feeling of soft cotton on her skin and hot tea in her belly. And Emily here with her. It felt like home again. It felt right.

Paige gave me a warm smile, getting up from the sofa and walking over to the kitchen , not able to resist the smell for any longer.

"It looks great." She said in awe as she looked at the casserole that was still in the oven. "And it smells even better."

"A few more minutes" I stated, smiling back at her. "I hope you're hungry."

"Yeah, actually I am." Paige said nodding as her gaze landed on the book that was still lying on the counter. I felt the knot around her throat tighten.

 _The Cancer-Fighting Kitchen: Nourishing for Cancer Treatment and Recovery._

I was aware of Paige's sudden change in mood and made my way over to her, laying a hand on her shoulder.

"What is this?" Paige asked slowly, letting her finger run along the cover of the book.

"I... I did some research." I admitted. "Are you mad?"

The question was barely more than a whisper and Paige felt that all too familiar little pain in her chest. Mad? No. No, she wasn't mad. She was mad at the fact that what had seemed so normal and familiar was now overshadowed by the depressing reality again, but was she mad about her friend doing everything she could do keep her healthy? Of course not.

"I'm not mad." She said softly, looking over her shoulder to give me a small reassuring smile.

"It's just, why are you doing this?"

"I just want to know as much as I can, Paige." I explained honestly. "I want to be prepared. Be involved. Like I said, you are important to me and I wasn't lying. I want you to take good care of yourself and do the best you can, I want you to eat healthfully and... "

"And what?" Paige asked, her look hopeful.

"And I want you to let me come to your appointment tomorrow."

Paige swallowed. "How did you know?"

I stepped from one foot to the other. "I kind of saw your calendar, that little notebook, it was lying in the kitchen, I'm sorry."

Paige sighed. "Don't apologize it's okay. I guess I want you there with me."

We smiled at each other for a long moment until I finally nodded and pointed at the oven.

"We should eat before the food burns. I put too much effort into this to screw it up on the finish line."

"I'm going to burst!" Paige moaned, leaning back in her chair as she was rubbing her own belly above her shirt. "This was a food orgasm."

"I'm glad you liked it." I giggled, eyeing her closely.

"Seriously, where did you learn how to cook so well?"

I went quiet for a moment, the smile frozen on my lips. Most things I knew came from Ava.

"Uh... Ava taught me a bit. She works at a catering service."

Paige looked tired, more tired than usual. She was a little pale.

"Are you okay?" I asked carefully and Paige nodded.

"I'm okay, I just I think I need some rest soon if that's okay with you."

"Are you kidding? Of course it's okay. Energy is important."

Paige was making her way over to the sofa, lying down and supporting her head on the armrest, struggling to find a comfortable position.

I had started carrying the used dishes to the kitchen sink, letting some hot water run over them.

Paige was still fighting with a little pillow, positioning it under her neck so she could still lurk at the TV.

"Paige?" I suddenly asked, my voice shy.

"Mhmm?"

"Your wig, it's..."

Paige stared at me.

"It looks a bit uncomfortable and you're at home after all. You should take it off much better for snuggling on the couch."

Frowning, Paige dragged the blanket closer to her body.

"I don't want to." She simply stated, shrugging and willing to change the subject.

"I think you want to, you just don't want to open up to me as much."

Paige sighed again, curling some strand of fake hair around her index finger.

"What have I left, how much pride, if one of the main things that once made me desirable is gone too now? It's just awkward."

I shook my head, moving closer to Paige so she was sitting right in front of me.

"There's no need to keep up any facade in front of me. I've seen you in all kinds of situations, remember? Hell, you've seen me in all kinds of situations and nothing has to feel awkward in front of me or make you insecure. Remember how I felt when I got chicken pox? I was twenty, or twenty-one, and I was so whiny and embarrassed because I thought chicken pox were only for children, you remember that?"

Paige smiled at the memory, her gaze dropping as the images of said day were flashing in front of her inner eye.

"I do, Em. How could I forget?" She whispered.

"Oh, oh, or remember that one time when I called you at work?" I blurted out, barely able to control my laughter.

"Oh god, Em..." Paige groaned, burying her face in her own hands.

" _Hello, Paige McCullers speaking, please make it quick..."_

" _Oh I know, you like it quick sometimes."_

" _Em?"_

 _"Hmmm, yes. Do you miss me? I was thinking about you."_

"Em _, this is a bad time, I'll call you later okay? I -"_

 _"I'm naked right now..."_

 _"Emily!"_

" _I can't wait till you come home, cause I was at this little shop downtown today, and I bought this thing that you were too shy to get for us the other day. I can't wait to try it out with you, I'm already super w-"_

 _"EMILY I AM IN A MEETING AND YOU'RE ON SPEAKER. GOOD BYE!"_

 _The call disconnected and Paige's face had turned a dark shade of red as she stared at the five men sitting in front of her who were looking at her with widened eyes._

" _I... um... excuse me, I'm so sorry, I told my assistant not to ... I mean, I usually don't accept personal calls at work, I thought it was something important, I - "_

 _One of the men smirked, coughing. "It did sound rather important to me."_

"Why are you reminding me of this? That was a lot more embarrassing for me than it was for you and now it's supposed to make me feel better?" Paige asked frowning. She had wanted to kill her assistant that day. And she had wanted to kill Emily.

"C'mon Paige, I can see that hidden smile on your face." I grinned, sticking out my tongue. "We totally got over it and in fact..." I mumbled, "I think we had the best sex ever when you came home."

I bit my lower lip, batting my eyelashes in a manner that Paige had always loved.

"Yeah.. yeah, it was pretty good." Paige admitted, nodding and smiling to herself at the inevitable wave of memories.

This had been only a few weeks before Paige had gotten her test results. A few weeks before they had told her she had cancer. Before they had told her it had already spread and it looked bad for her. Before her world had fallen apart and she had slowly started pushing me away. It was a happy memory. A careless one.

My hand was still lying on Paige's. We were looking at each other in a way that didn't require words. There was trust between us. A deep kind of trust that we started building up years ago. Sure there had been lies, sure there had been betrayal but in the end this strong connection remained.

Paige held my hand, slowly moving both our arms upwards until our hands reached her head. We did not once break eye-contact when she let me grab the wig.

Our faces were dangerously close to each other when I slowly removed the fake hair, revealing tousled, auburn hair and a much shorter haircut. I could see Paige hesitate, could feel her insecurities bubbling back to the surface, but I would not let her feel bad now. There was absolutely nothing embarrassing about the Paige in front of me. Paige was a beautiful woman. Absolutely stunning.

Paige smiled shyly and I smiled back, my hand slowly running through her real hair. It felt different than the wig. It felt like Paige. It felt like the good old days.

"You're so pretty." I whispered and I could sense my own tears coming back, dangerously close to running down my cheeks. My thumb was running along Paige's cheek now, enjoying the feel of her soft skin against my hand.

I brushed some hair behind her ear, still looking her in the eyes.

"Still so beautiful."

Paige blushed, closing her eyes for a moment to take in the feel of the soft strokes.

"I'm glad you're here." She whispered but before I had the chance to answer, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. The sudden sound made my heart skip a beat and I was drawn back to reality in an instant.

Ava. Of course.

"Ava? Yeah, yes, I'm still here. No. Well, if you like you can pick me up here, sure, yes. Okay. Then I see you soon."

I cleared my throat.

"I promised to come home to her tonight. I wasn't there last night, so I guess I have to, you know, I don't want her to be - "

"Em!" Paige interrupted. "Em, it's okay. It's totally fine. I want you to enjoy the rest of the night. I'm no fun anymore anyways, I'm really fucking tired. I'm just going to sleep."

"But I'll see you tomorrow, right? I can pick you up! 10 AM?"

"Sounds like a plan." Paige replied before pulling me in for an unusually close hug. Sometimes I wondered if Paige was scared it might be the last time we would see each other.

I put a small kiss on her hair, rubbing my hands along Paige's back.

"Sleep well, okay?" I whispered and Paige nodded.

"You too, Em. And thank you for the food."

I smiled. The food. Yeah.

/

"How was it?"

No response.

"Em?"

"Uh yeah sorry." I had been silent since Ava had picked me up from Paige's place. "We ate together."

Ava swallowed. "You cooked?"

"Mmh."

Ava sighed, changing into more comfortable clothes herself. It was pretty obvious that I was not in the mood to talk so she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash off her make-up.

Was there a guidebook that told you how to deal with such a situation?

"You want to watch a movie or something?" She asked carefully, not knowing what else to suggest. It wasn't that late yet, not our usual sleeping time.

I shrugged.

"Or talk?"

I looked up to her, smiling a little as I patted the spot next to me on the covers. "I just feel kind of drained to be honest." I told her, wrapping an arm around Ava who had crawled next to me on the mattress.

Ava nodded, letting her head rest on my shoulder as she slowly let her hand stroke the my belly, inhaling my familiar smell.

"You were on my mind all day." Ava whispered, snuggling closer to kiss my cheek and neck. She found the spot at my earlobe that always made me giggle when she nibbled on the skin there, except for this time. She travelled her hand upwards, lifting my shirt in the process. We hadn't had sex in over a week. My body stiffened under her touch.

"You okay?"

"Sure." I mumbled, turning my head to look at Ava. The smile on her lips was sad. Should she stop? Should we just sleep?

I reached for Ava's hand, taking it to  
my lips to kiss her fingertips.

"Do you need space?"

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. I started to think about my response, which was always a bad sign. I never thought long about what I said, usually I would say what I wanted to say, blurted out whatever was going on in  
my mind. A quality Ava had always liked and appreciated.

"No. I'm glad you're here. I don't want to be alone."

Ava nodded again, moving closer to finally capture my lips with her own, my eyes pressed shut.

"I love you." She whispered against my lips and I allowed her to deepen the kiss, slowly opening my mouth.

Ava let out a soft moan, relieved to kiss like that again, to have my attention. Her right hand was running through my soft hair, her left hand having a mind of its own as it made its way further under my shirt, lightly stroking my breasts.

She parted my legs with her knee, moving fully on top of me, not once breaking our kiss. I let her, my own hands slowly stroking up and down Ava's back.

Ava opened her eyes, searching the dark brown ones in front of her that were missing their usual passionate sparkle. She eyed her closely when her hand found Emily's nipple, pinching it slightly. A small gasp was escaping Emily's lips and she closed her eyes, frowning.

What was that frown? Was she doing something wrong? She knew Emily's body well by now, almost as well as her own.

Emily's hands kept running up and down Ava's back, her fingertips leaving feather light strokes above the fabric of her shirt.

Ava looked at me again, thumb still encircling my nipple as her mouth was travelling to my neck. Kissing. Biting a little.

Her leg was still positioned between mine, she pressed it down a little more firmly, rubbing along that spot between my thighs.

"Hey, you with me?" Ava asked concerned, taking my chin in her hand to make us look at each other.

"Yes. Yes, keep going." I encouraged her, closing my eyes as I focused on the pressure against my clit and the hand that was slowly making its way between our bodies, tugging on my sweatpants.

Ava's fingers were slowly making their way into my panties. They travelled further down, brushing against soft skin, when her hand suddenly froze, one finger resting at my most intimate spot.

"Wow."

"Wow what?" I asked confused, urging my girlfriend to keep doing what she was about to do.

Ava crawled off of my body, lying down next to me, staring at the wall.

"Why did you stop?"

"It's okay, Em. It's I guess not the right time. Obviously."

I didn't say anything and Ava couldn't help but feel stupid.

It was fucking hard to be understanding all of the time because as sad and fucked up the situation was the fear of losing the woman she loved kept overshadowing all of it.

She could feel her hands getting sweaty, could feel her heart beating a little faster. Emily didn't want her anymore, did she? Yeah, sure, it was emotional overload for her girlfriend, but shouldn't her give her power? Shouldn't she be like her safe haven? It sucked. It truly fucking sucked.

Minutes passed and the silence was suffocating as Ava felt her own fingernails dig into the palms of her hand.

"You would rather be with her, wouldn't you? You're mad at me for picking you up earlier. You wanted to stay but felt guilty, so you came with me. Am I right? I stand no fucking chance against her. You still love her. Just say it."

I closed my eyes, my hands massaging my temples. "Please don't make this harder for me than it already is."

There were so many things I wanted to say to her. So many thoughts that ran through my mind. Such a strong urge to scream that it was fucking hard for her as well because she didn't want to lose her. But no words came out.

"Let's just sleep." Ava whispered, dragging the blanket all the way up to her chin. How was she going to support her? How was she going to be able to see them together, seeing the look on Emily's face when she was around Paige? She didn't know if she could do it. She really didn't know.

"I'm going to go with her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow morning."

It was a strong statement in the otherwise dark and quiet room.

"Yeah. Of course you are."

It was the last thing we said to each other that night.


	11. Chapter 11

When I woke up, Ava had already left. It was unusually early for her and I knew she didn't have to cater any event before the late afternoon. A look at my phone told me I had to hurry up a little so there was no time to worry about any of this right now. I would try to fix things later.

I felt nervous on my way over to Paige's, a nervousness I wasn't used to. Talking to her doctor would make things more real, wouldn't it? Hearing them talk, worrying about test results. It was an awful feeling, being so powerless, having to rely on what some person in a white coat was going to say about my best friend's future. I had never imagined being in such a situation. Life had been so carefree for me for so many years.

I picked up some bagels for Paige on the way.

When I arrived at Paige's house, she was waiting outside. She was wearing her warm black coat, a fluffy scarf around her neck, her wig resting perfectly atop her head.

"I hope you didn't wait too long." I said concerned when Paige got into my car, buckling her seatbelt.

"Not more than two minutes." Paige replied friendly, greeting me with a hug.

"You nervous?" I asked her, though I knew Paige probably wasn't more nervous than I was myself.

"I'm just happy you're here with me." Paige smiled.

I didn't know where I was going, so Paige told me the directions to the doctor's office, trying to keep the mood casual with random small talk.

She nibbled at the cream cheese bagel, even though I could tell that Paige didn't have an appetite either. Some silly part inside of me wished we were going on a nice trip right now. To the zoo, shopping, ice skating ... anything but this.

"There it is." Paige said slowly, pointing at the big brown building with the many windows behind a huge parking lot.

Walking up the steps to the entrance door felt like going in slow-motion, as if my body was trying to resist going into this doctor's office. I saw the name on the plate next to the door, saw the word oncologist, and the past days were quickly replaying in front of my eyes. How had we ended up here? After seeing Paige in the mirror of the hair salon everything had happened so fast.

Paige stepped inside before me.

So this was the real Gabriela, the woman whom I heard so much about even if most of it were lies.

"You must be Emily." The Mexican greeted me with a handshake. "I mean Miss Fields."

"Emily is fine." I told her, smiling.

"How are you feeling today?" The doctor asked Paige, and I noticed the other woman's eyes scanning Paige's body. I tried to read her mind, tried to make out the tone in her voice.

"I'm okay I think." Paige replied, toying with her sleeves. "Still tired pretty often."

"What about pain?" Gabriela wanted to know and I felt my head turn hot. I hadn't thought much about the side effects. The fact that Paige was sick had been a lot to take in so the idea of her suffering from actual tumour pain was something my mind had avoided.

"My back hurts a lot when I move too much also my arms. The occasional cramps have gotten worse but all in all it's okay. I'm taking my medication."

I felt a huge lump in my throat, grabbing Paige's hand under the table, squeezing it hard. My own hand was icy cold, as if all the blood in my body had flooded to my head, making my cheeks turn red. I could feel my own heartbeat throughout my body.

Gabriela's smile faded as she looked at Paige, her gaze serious.

"Paige, I've looked at your results and you don't have to pretend for anyone, okay? The meds can make it better, I promise. I can add some pills for muscle relaxation, it will help with the cramps."

It was Paige's turn to squeeze my hand now and I could feel her shift nervously on the chair next to me.

"No, I'm good."

"Okay."

Gabriela was staring at some papers in front of her now, taking some notes while swallowing hard.

"I want to talk to you about the test results. Would you like us to do that privately?"

"No." Paige stated, her voice firm. "I have nothing to hide from her."

"All right."

I wanted to ask questions, wanted to hear Gabriela say that it was going to be okay, but I remained quiet. I didn't let go of Paige's hand, not knowing what to focus my eyes on. Gabriela seemed calm and professional but something about her was upsetting. Looking at Paige wasn't an option either because I couldn't stand the expression on her face, didn't know how long I could keep up my self-control. I had to be strong for her. I had to.

"Paige." Gabriela started, her eyes still fixed on the papers. "I'm afraid that... I'm afraid it turned out that the last chemo didn't quite take effect as much as I had hoped... it's..." She swallowed. "There are several more metastases in your bones and your spine, so it's not surprising you feel this pain in your back."

I bit the inside of my cheek hard, Gabriela's words echoing in my mind over and over again.

"Also your lungs are affected."

Paige raised her hand, motioning Gabriela to stop.

"It's okay. Gabby, it's all right. I didn't want that chemo anyway, you know that."

"What are you talking about?" I blurted out, letting go of Paige's hands.

"What do you mean you didn't want it? What does this all mean anyway? I read so much about cancer, so much about liver cancer, the books said it could be healed, they said that - "

"Emily..." the doctor interrupted her, her voice soft. "The thing is that liver cancer is extremely hard to detect in the beginning. The symptoms are usually small, mostly not noticeable enough for a patient to get worried and consult a doctor. In most cases, such as Paige's, liver cancer is detected during a routine examination at a point when it's already too late to treat it before it gets the chance to spread, do you understand that?"

I nodded, my cheeks flushed, my eyes tearing up.

"We were all hoping that the chemo would be more effective, but the cancer is very aggressive. Of course it would be possible to try another round, but I have to admit that I don't think it is going to increase Paige's life expectancy. If anything it is going to make her feel a lot weaker."

Tears were streaming down my cheeks now.

"Hey M&M. No tears, it's not a surprise." Paige's voice sounded soft.

I felt like pushing the goddamn chair away and run out of the small and suffocating office. I pinched my skin hard, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. I would wake up, right? It was just a fucking nightmare.

Of course Paige had already told  
me the most terrifying facts. Of course she had told me how slim her chances of recovery were but hearing all this out of a doctor's mouth? Too real. Too fucking real.

"Excuse me." I breathed out, feeling my breath shorten, the lack of oxygen making me dizzy. "I... No. Can't. Need air. I'm sorry."

With that I stood up, stumbling to the door. I pushed against it, frustrated when it didn't open. My vision was blurry but I could still make out the 'Pull'- sign, groaning as I finally managed to open it and run into the hallway. I started coughing, quickly unbuttoning the first few buttons of my blouse, scared of suffocating or fainting. I made my way over to the closest window, shaking hands ripping it open so I'd be able to breathe in some fresh air.

I didn't know how long I had been standing there, my mind empty and dark, until I felt a warm hand on my back.

"Em." Paige whispered, her thumb brushing along my shoulder blade.

"I'm so sorry." I sobbed. "I just couldn't hear it... I .. I wanted to be here for you and now I messed it up completely, oh god."

"No... no no, don't say that." Paige said, her chin resting on my shoulder. "I'm the one who's sorry. I should have known what she had to tell me. I never should have brought you here."

I turned around, looking her straight in the eyes. She was so brave. Paige was so fucking brave. And I was weak. A fucking coward who was trying to be strong for her but felt so close to breaking.

"It's not your fault you're sick."

"It's not your fault either, Em. It's no one's fault. It's life. And life often sucks."

I wondered how Paige managed not to cry. How wasn't she terrified? How did she do it?

"I can't even begin to imagine a life without you, Paige. I don't want it. I don't want it."

I let myself sink onto the floor, back pressed against the wall, and Paige sat down next to me, wrapping her arm around my shaking body. The floor was hard and cold but I didn't care, I buried my head in Paige's neck, letting my tears soak her shirt.

"You know, Em." Paige started, her voice barely audible. "I thought I was going to be okay with dying but now with you back in my life..." Paige had to smile, her gaze dropping. "With you back in my life I kind of don't want to go."


	12. Chapter 12

I wanted nothing more than to spend every free minute with Paige but I had clients waiting at the hair salon and hadn't yet gotten the chance to tell my boss that I was going to take some time off.

We were still sitting in the car in front of Paige's apartment, not quite willing to say good bye yet.

"We can do this, right? We can." I told Paige, still feeling rather weak from all the crying earlier that day. "I told you we'd get through this together and I mean it. I promise I won't break down like that again."

"You don't have to promise me anything, Em." Paige replied. "And I understand if you say you can't do it, I - "

"Stop. Don't even say it."

"Okay." Paige started chuckling after a while, looking down on her lap.

"What's so funny?" I asked confused, wondering what on earth would be worth laughing about right now.

"Nothing it's just... it's kind of silly, isn't it? The dreams you have as a kid or as a teenager? The things you never do because you think you have all the time in the world to do them?"

I nodded slowly, still not getting the joke.

"Did you know that for a while, when I was younger, I had this pretty ridiculous dream of owning a motorcycle and driving off into the sunset with you? I pictured you in a sexy leather jacket, how you'd sit behind me, and we'd look all kick-ass, like a real power couple. I thought one day we'd go on some super awesome Route 66 journey, hanging out in biker bars, making out in cheap motels on the way."

She laughed and I had to raise my eyebrows, yet there was a small smile tugging on my lips at this quite absurd image.

"And now look at me. I can't even play miniature golf without almost passing out. Pathetic."

"Don't think like that." I told her. "There are plenty of things you still can do. And we'll do all of them."

"Well, I'll certainly never own a motorcycle." Paige added with a wink.

For a second I wanted to tell her we could still make out in cheap motels, but I quickly remembered that we weren't together anymore. It was so weird, being around Paige. She had been part of my life for so long that it sometimes felt as if nothing had changed. But there was someone else in her life now someone I truly cared for. I felt guilty for even having these thoughts.

"I guess I should head to work." I said slowly, looking apologetic.

"I know." She replied, smiling. "Thanks for coming with me today though. I truly appreciate it. A lot."

I smiled, leaning in to hug Paige. Another one of those extremely long hugs, I thought. Another hug that said 'I'm scared to let go'.

"We'll talk later?"

"We will."

I waited in the car until Paige had disappeared inside, staring at the door for a few moments longer after it had shut. I thought about the things Paige had told me, thought about her dreams, about how much time we might have left together, when suddenly an idea crossed my mind.

It was never too late to make dreams come true, was it?

* * *

I had spent the rest of the day in front of the television, trying to distract myself. Part of me was still feeling guilty for making Emily go through all of this, especially since it was exactly what I had tried to avoid by not telling her about my illness. But now that everything was out in the open, the thought of having her back in my life meant more than anything. Even if I'd never kiss her again, even if we could never be lovers again, I was willing to take what I could get.

I was startled for a second when my phone rang and didn't recognize the number on the display. It couldn't be Emily and it couldn't be Gabriela, both being the only people who called on my cell.

"Hello?" I spoke into the speaker, half-expecting it to be someone who had dialed the wrong number.

"Paige?"

"Yes?"

"This is Ava."

I felt my body stiffen. What did she want from me?

"Everything okay with Emily?" I asked worried, immediately scared she had gotten into a car accident on her way to work. It would make sense, considering how emotionally mixed up she had been all day.

A sigh at the other hand.

"Yes, everything okay."

"Thank god... uh... what do you want?"

There were rustling sounds at the other end and I wondered what the hell this call was about.

"Hello?"

"Yeah. Yes, sorry, I shouldn't have called, it's just..." I heard her swallow. "I'm just going to say it. Is anything going on between you two?"

"Excuse me?" I asked confused. She couldn't be serious, could she? A jealous phone call?

"If so, please tell me. Gosh. I'll back off, okay? I'll leave her, as much as it'll hurt me. But I can't be in this relationship, thinking something's going on behind my back, I can't."

"You cannot be serious." I told her, offended. "Hate to break it to you, Ava, but I'm sick, not a home wrecker."

Silence.

"I... I'm sorry. I'm just kind of desperate and I'm sorry about what you're going through, but Emily is not the same around me anymore."

I didn't know what to say, already wondering if I should tell Emily about this more than inappropriate phone call. Of course Emily would act different, what did this person expect? It didn't make her a cheater.

"Listen to me. I don't know you and I don't know much about your relationship with Emily but what I can see is that you're obviously having trust issues. Your girlfriend has been my best friend my whole damn life and her being there for me just shows what a fucking amazing person she is. She's also the most honest person on this planet, I don't even see how you can doubt her for one second."

"But you're still in love with her, aren't you?" Ava asked.

I felt overwhelmed, not knowing what to think, let alone say to all this. Still in love with her? Fuck, I couldn't even let my thoughts go that way. I couldn't allow myself to consider these feelings because it would only break my heart. Of course I loved her. Of course I wasn't enjoying any of this. Of course part of me constantly felt like kissing her when she was around, but I had other things to worry about. I had to worry about death.

"I can't believe you're even going there." I said slowly, my voice cold as ice. "This is crazy."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay. Shit... shit, I'm sorry. Fuck."

I had to shake my head. I could hear the embarrassment in Ava's voice but that didn't make things better.

"I'll hang up now." I stated, not waiting for the other woman's reply as the call disconnected.

Damn, this was a fucking mood killer.

I was laying down on the couch again, staring at the television that was still running in the background, not really paying attention to anything that was going on on screen. What did this person want from me? That I backed off? That I'd tell Emily to stay away? I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. It was too late for that. It'd kill me faster than this fucking cancer would.

Sometimes I wished I hadn't stopped talking to all of my other friends. That I hadn't relied on Emily as much. What had happened to the people we'd been friends with during high school? What about Sydney? What about Pru? Or even Caleb? Why had we stopped talking at some point? Why had I shut everyone out?

I hadn't even talked to my own parents in ages. We had never gotten along very well and after their divorce and a huge fight, all three of us had gone our separate ways. Was it time to call them? Shouldn't they know their daughter was dying? Would they even give a shit?

I shouldn't have picked up the phone. All I could think of now was that Emily was dating someone else and that this person didn't even appreciate her, didn't trust her. Because seriously, there was no reason to be suspicious. Emily didn't love me like that anymore. Right?

I sighed and started undressing to take a hot bath. My upper stomach was hurting and I felt like closing my eyes for a bit and enjoying some warm water on my skin.

Before getting into the tub, I looked in the mirror as I removed my wig. Huge brown eyes were searching for anything desirable in my reflection, but they found nothing. Short hair, thin arms, bony hips and my skin a shade of yellow. I shook my head, turning away from the image of myself. There wasn't much left of the pretty, confident Paige McCullers, the swimmer who had dated the beautiful girl in her swim team. The beautiful brunette was now dating another beautiful brunette.

I stepped inside the tub while the water was still running in. I loved the sound of running water more than anything else. It was the most comforting sound on earth and there was no better feeling than closing your eyes, listening to the water and slowly feeling the tub fill around you, surrounding you with its warmth. For maybe an hour I'd be able to shut out the world and not care about anything or anyone.

I shut off the water. It didn't take long for me to fall into a dreamless sleep.

When I opened my eyes again, the water around had turned cold. I groaned a little, my back hurting from having lain in the tub for longer than planned. I carefully climbed out, wrapping myself in a huge orange towel. A look outside the window told me it was dark and figured I was tired enough to continue my nap in my actual bed.

After having dried off most of my body and hair, I put on my pajamas and headed back to the living room to take a look at my phone which was still lying on the table. No message. No call.

I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, having hoped to hear something from Emily before I went to bed. I figured it had all been a bit too much for her and she most likely needed some time for herself to process the events of the day.

I made my way over to the kitchen, heated up some water to make a cup of tea. The green tea that Emily had brought yesterday, telling me that some professor in Europe had healed his cancer by drinking one glass every night before going to sleep. I didn't believe in such things but the tea came from Emily, which was reason enough to drink it.

I winced at the sound of the doorbell. I wondered if it was Emily after all, coming by to tell me good night in person. I rushed over to the mirror to see if I looked completely awful, only to realize that I did.

"You should call me first." I muttered, quickly brushing my hair as I let the door buzz open.

I peeked outside, to see if it really was Emily and not some random stranger, but what I saw made me catch my breath.

"What on... are you... oh my god, are you serious?"

From one second to the next I had forgotten about my wet, tousled hair and my blue pajamas.

Emily's hair was curly, voluminously falling over her shoulders. She was wearing tight baby blue jeans, dark cowboy boots and a black leather jacket. Dark make-up was highlighting her eyes and she was carrying a box wrapped in colorful paper.

"Please don't tell me you're here with a motorcycle, Em. Cause I'm pretty sure neither you nor I know how to ride such a thing."

Emily chuckled. "Don't be silly, Paige. Here, open it."

I shook my head, not believing what she was doing but enjoying it nonetheless. I carefully unwrapped the box and opened it, laughing as I found another leather jacket in it.

"Should be your size. Try it on."

I did as I was told, putting on the dark leather jacket that felt a little too large around my waist but definitely fulfilled its purpose.

"Look what's in your pocket!" Emily ordered cheerfully and I put my right hand into the jacket to find something that felt like a little plastic toy. I pulled it out, smiling as I examined the little red thing.

"My very own motorcycle." I stated, laughing, but there was a small tear in my eye. This was too cute for words. This was why I loved her so much.

"You like it?" Emily asked her.

"Love it, Em."

"Awesome!"

With that Emily hopped next to me on the couch, wrapping her arm around me as she held a Polaroid camera in front of our faces.

"Hold up the motorcycle and smile." She ordered.

"Em, I look like cr-"

"Shhh, do it!"

Emily took the Polaroid out of the camera, shaking it until the image appeared.

"There's something else in the box." She me and I realized that there was indeed something else lying on the bottom of the package – something that looked like a book.

"What is it?" I asked, running my thumb over the green cover.

"Look inside." Emily encouraged, I carefully opened it, being greeted by Emily's typical handwriting.

It said 'Perfect Bucket List'.

I turned the page.

No.1 – Own a motorcycle. Check.

Emily had fumbled some tape out of her pocket, gluing it on the back of her Polaroid to stick the picture next to the number in the book.

I looked at her, puzzled.

"I'm not quite sure I understand..." I said slowly but Emily smiled, putting her hand on my thigh.

"This..." She said, pointing at herself in her biker outfit, "Is certainly not everything you ever dreamt of. Just because this disease has decided to make you sick, doesn't mean we have to let it win, right? It doesn't mean we have to sit here and wait until you know."

Her eyes were moving rapidly in her head, her mouth not willing to pronounce the words again.

"I love you, Paige. I love you and I want you to live your life to the fullest. I want you to enjoy every second of it."

"And how am I going to do that?" I whispered, my eyes not once leaving the brown ones in front of me.

"By making this list with me, Paige. This book." She smiled. "There are enough pages in it to fill them with the most amazing memories. I want you to write down everything you ever wanted to do in your life. It doesn't matter if it's small or big or silly or adventurous, anything. And I promise you we'll do it. I give you my word."

I felt a thick lump in my throat at seeing Emily like this. Here, in our old living room, on the couch we had picked out together, wearing this crazy but sexy outfit, bringing me all these things, this book.

And she was looking at me with so much love in her eyes that it made my heart hurt. I wanted nothing more than to press my lips on Emily's in that moment. Nothing more than to tell her that this would be the first point on my perfect bucket list.

"You want to do that with me?" Emily asked, suddenly more insecure. "Or.. or do you think it's stupid?"

"Nothing you ever did for me was stupid, Emily." I stated, covering her hand with my own.

"But are you sure? This sounds like a lot of work, it's going to take up a lot of time."

"I'm on a break from work." Emily explained. "I talked to my boss today and I'm not going back for now."

I smiled but the tears in my eyes made my vision blurry. I knew what it meant. Emily was taking time off work until I'd be gone. She'd take care of me until I was dead because there wasn't much time left, right? Oh wow. Fuck.

"Paige?" She whispered, my thumb quickly brushing a tear away from my eye before it could roll down my cheek. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Yes, I'm okay." I reassured her, nodding. "Let's do this then."

"Let's do this." Emily repeated, grinning and wrapping her arms around me.

I inhaled Emily's smell. She smelled like hairspray and leather, like the hot biker lady I had always dreamt of when I was younger.

"Thank you." I whispered and I could feel Emily smile too.

Emily was right. My life wasn't fucking over. I wasn't going to spend the last few months of my life in front of the TV. Emily was giving me new hope, new power, and I was going to use it for the both of us.


	13. Chapter 13

I had decided that watching Rudy on the couch with Emily was definitely as good as going on a biker tour, maybe even better. And I didn't even like the movie. But Emily was having fun and she looked stunning. Too stunning for me to take my eyes off of her.

As much as I had been trying to deny it, the wish to be close to her had become so much stronger in the past days. It became too hard to ignore it. Impossible.

The thought of Ava and our awkward conversation was still occupying my thoughts and I had no idea how to proceed.  
"Em?"

"Hm?" Emily answered, holding her bowl of chips out to me. "I'm so sorry, I've totally kept them all to myself, so rude."

I had to smile. "Thanks, I'm not hungry. I was just, I was wondering if you talked to Ava today?" Emily's hand froze before she could put another one of the salty snacks into her mouth. "No why?"

I looked away, absentmindedly ripping the coke label off the bottle in front of me. "I just wanted to know if you two were okay."

Emily frowned. "Why wouldn't we be?"

'Because she calls your friends behind your back and acts like a mistrusting bitch' I answered in my head, biting my lower lip to keep myself from speaking the words out loud.

"Because I think... I ... "

The coke label was ripped into a million tiny pieces by now.

"I just don't want you to get in trouble for spending so much time with me. I mean, I love it when you're around, but not if it means it'll cause you problems."

The frown on Emily's forehead only deepened and she put the bowl on the table to move a little closer to me.

"Paige, why would you think that? She's okay with me being here, she knows we're just friends."

"Oh, does she?" I hissed a little angrier than intended, my eyes getting a bit of their old furious sparkle back. "I wouldn't be too sure."

Damn, this wasn't how I had wanted to have this conversation. I didn't want to be the one telling Emily about the call. I had hoped Ava had been brave enough by now to have an honest talk with her girlfriend.

"Where is this coming from, Paige?" Emily asked, her voice serious now.

I sighed. "It's not my job to tell you. I didn't want to start this now... I ..."

"Did she call you?" Emily blurted out, her eyelids blinking rapidly.

Great.

"Yeah... but before you start questioning me I think you should talk it out with her and not me. All I can say is that she seems pretty insecure and a little jealous."

'Very fucking jealous and completely insecure' I corrected myself in my head. But this was Emily. I didn't want to tell her any details that might hurt her.

Emily was looking down on her lap now, her previous excitement about the movie disappeared. I wanted to kick myself.

"I understand if you want to leave." I started carefully but Emily raised her head, a pleading look on her face.

"Honestly, Paige... I don't think I want to handle this tonight. With her I mean." She sighed. "I'm just so sorry that she called you. She shouldn't have done that. None of this is your fault, that's totally inappropriate."

"Em, it's okay -"

"No, it's not." Emily interrupted. "It's not okay that she dragged you into this. And I will handle it of course but I've honestly had enough ups and downs today, I kind of just want some quiet."

"Of course."

She looked around the room, then back at me. The light of the television was throwing colorful shadows on her face.

"Would it be okay if I stayed here tonight?" Emily asked carefully and my heart skipped a beat.

"I mean, not in your bed of course, on the couch." She continued. "I don't want to see Ava but I don't want to go home alone either, I can't stand the thought of being alone at the moment."

I nodded, a smile tugging on my lips.

"Of course you can stay , always. And you can have the bed, I can sleep here, I don't mind."

Emily shook her head. "No way. I'll take the couch, I like it."

I smiled but remained quiet, knowing that Emily wouldn't accept any other answer right now.

"Let me get you something to sleep in." I said, not able to hide the fact that Emily spending the night was bringing a happy shade of pink to my cheeks. I knew the circumstances were sad, I knew Emily was scared of being alone and probably scared of facing her girlfriend, but still the thought filled me with happy excitement.

I had to admit I was sort of relieved Emily decided to change in the bathroom and not right in front of me.

I wanted to tell her that her blue toothbrush was still lying in the drawer under the sink but it made me feel silly so I offered her a new one. A yellow one.

While Emily was getting ready, I prepared the couch for her, getting my biggest pillow out of the bedroom to put it on the sofa with a fluffy blanket. I put a bottle of water next to it on the table in case Emily got thirsty and closed the curtains so the sunlight wouldn't wake her too early.

I smiled when she returned, taking in the sight of her without makeup, her olive skin, her hair held up in a ponytail, wearing my clothes. Emily had worn my clothes countless times but it had been so long since I'd last seen her like that.

"Tell me if you need anything, okay?" I told her, about to head to the bedroom.

"Paige?"

"Yes?"

"Would you stay with me until I've fallen asleep?"

I swallowed.

"Yes. Of course."

Emily smiled, her eyes looking tired but thankful. She snuggled up on the couch, dragging the blanket up to her chin as she buried her face in the huge pillow.

"Mmmhhh..." she sighed. "Good night,  
Paige."

"Night, M&M."

It didn't take long for Emily to fall asleep, I could tell by the sound of her breathing, but I didn't want to get up just yet.

She looked so peaceful and beautiful.

My mind traveled back to the events of the day, back to the book, the list. I couldn't imagine a better time to get inspired about what I wanted the rest of my life to look like than now, with Emily sleeping right next to me.

I sat down in the armchair right by her side, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen and started thinking, my eyes never leaving the sleeping woman. Then I started writing. She inspired me.

* * *

I woke up to the smell of fresh coffee. I opened my eyes, slowly adjusting to the light in the room. It took a minute to realize where I was, finally taking in the unfamiliar, yet so familiar surroundings.

"Morning." I mumbled, smiling as I spotted Paige in the kitchen, putting some croissants in the oven.

"Morning sleepy head." Paige laughed, walking over to me. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah I did." I replied honestly. In fact, it was the first morning since I had found out about the disease that I truly felt rested. "You?"

"Yup. I made a list last night."

I immediately felt wide awake, sitting up and dropping the blanket to the floor.

"Awesome, let me see it!"

"I'll show you over breakfast. Paige said, heading back to the kitchen counter to squeeze a few oranges.

It was unusual for Paige to prepare breakfast. I can't deny that I liked waking up like that, to a domestic Paige in the kitchen.

I got up, turning on the radio to have some music in the background. I liked the song that was playing and couldn't help but dance into the kitchen, music always had that effect on me.

"So, when did you get up? You look so fresh and showered and awake." I grinned.

"A little while." Paige stated smiling, putting the remaining few items on the table as she motioned for me to take a seat.

Paige finally sat down across from me, bringing the steaming croissants with her that filled the room with a smell of freshly baked dough. A perfect start to a probably not so perfect day.

"Here." Paige said proudly as she shoved a piece of paper over to me, sipping on her coffee.

I took the list, smiling, excited to see what she had come up with the previous night. I scanned each point on the little paper and couldn't help but frown.

I read it again. And another time. But the disappointment was clearly displaying on my features.

"What?" Paige wanted to know, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing. Just is that really what you want to do before.. I mean... these are your dreams?"

"What's wrong with them?" Paige asked, her voice not as happy as before.

"I don't know... I mean... Do yoga? Buy a new car?"

"My car is old. I've only ever bought used cars. I want something with all the extras."

I cleared my throat before continuing.

"Tidy the spare room and put up new wallpaper, visit the Fire Fighters Museum in Denver, eat the veggie lasagna at Apple Rose Grill..." I mumbled, shaking my head with every word that came out of my mouth.

"Find an airport on Mapcrunch?" I asked hopeful, looking at Paige. "That sounds like decent fun, you want to fly somewhere?"

"No, it's a web page that drops you off at random places on Google Maps and you have to try to find an airport, it's a challenge!"

I stared at her.

"What? I've had a lot of free time on my hands in the past year." Paige defended herself, shrugging.

"I don't know, Paige..." I started, my voice almost sad.

"You changed your mind? You don't want to do this anymore?" Paige asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Of course I do. I just think it's, I don't know. I thought you had more well exciting things in mind."

"I think they are exciting and it's what I want to do."

"Okay." I gave in. "Then we'll do them."

I put the list aside and took my phone out of my pocket, texting Ava as both of us were finishing our breakfast in quiet.

"I'm going to try to meet up with her soon so she and I can talk things out."

"That sounds like a good plan." Paige agreed, getting up to start cleaning the breakfast table. "You want to take a shower first?"

"Yeah. Can I borrow a top?" I asked, not really wanting to get back into my biker clothes. Especially not when I was about to meet my girlfriend.

"Sure thing, you know where the closet is, pick whatever you like."

I nodded and smiled, heading to the bathroom to get ready.

My head felt empty as I was standing in the shower, letting the hot water rain down on my body. Ava had texted back, had told me to come over to her place whenever I had time. I didn't know what I should expect of the meeting, didn't know if I should mention Ava's call right away, didn't know how much energy I was going to be able to put into this conversation. My mind was still trying to imagine the next weeks, wondering if all I was going to do with Paige would be to learn how to spend money on useless items that I knew Paige neither really wanted nor needed. These were going to be my last months with my best friend, my last chance to make things as good as possible for her, but it seemed as if Paige had already given up. As if she saw herself as this sick person who had accepted to wait quietly for her last day.

I turned around so the water was splashing on my face, pressing my eyes shut to keep myself from crying. I stood there until my skin turned wrinkly, the feeling in my stomach telling me that my body didn't feel ready to leave and face another disappointing conversation with a woman that meant a lot to me.

When I was finally dressed, I walked back into the living room where Paige had started cleaning. I wondered if this was a way for her to distract herself. Paige, who had always been a very chaotic person with her clothes thrown all over the furniture and huge piles of dirty dishes next to the sink, now seemed to be determined to have everything in perfect order. Maybe she needed it, this kind of clarity in her otherwise dark reality.

"Want me to bring that down for you on my way out?" I asked, pointing at the big garbage bag Paige was tying up.

"That'd be nice, thanks." She replied, giving me a half smile as she was looking at the shirt I was wearing.

"You picked that out for me, remember? It was the day when - "

"...when we wanted to visit Hanna and I accidentally spilled my milkshake on your top at McDonald's." I finished for her.

"Yeah."

We smiled at each other for a moment before I came a step closer to hug Paige.

"I'll let you know how it goes." I stated and Paige nodded.

"Good luck."

I took the garbage bag and headed out the door, walking down the steps of the hallway.

I was about to greet the elder neighbor when I suddenly lost my balance on the slippery floor, letting out a muffled scream as I fell down the last two steps. The garbage bag went flying through the air in slow-motion, landing on the floor with a loud thud. The plastic ripped open and the whole content was spilled all over the hallway.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Mrs. Davis yelled angrily, not bothering to ask if I had hurt herself.

"You better clean that up!"

I cringed, moaning a little as I rubbed my back which hurt pretty badly from the fall.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, immediately trying to collect the empty yoghurt cups and banana peels that were filling the air with a slightly rotten smell.

"Typical always trouble always the same..." The elderly lady muttered barely understandable.

I rolled my eyes, not really sure how to get the trash back into the broken bag, let alone carry all of it outside to the garbage bin. Just as I was almost done, something caught my attention. It was a piece of paper with Paige's hand writing. That alone wouldn't have been too unusual, but I could make out the word 'motorcycle' on top, having a vague idea what I was looking at. I straightened the paper which was ripped in half and felt a lump in my throat. The original bucket list.

I didn't have time to read what else was written on the paper as Mrs. Davis gave me an impatient look, nervously tapping her foot on the floor. There had to be a second half. Where was the second half?

My heart was beating faster and I didn't dare look at my ex-neighbor as I spontaneously emptied the whole garbage bag on the floor to dig in it for the second part of the list.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?" The woman shrieked, her face red.

"Mrs. David, please, go back inside and feed your goldfish. I promise you I will clean everything up and tonight when I'm back I'm going to scrub the whole hallway. Twice. So clean that you'll be able to eat off of it. Just please, leave me alone for a minute."

"Unbelievable. Un-be-lievable. Rude." The woman kept repeating and I let out a relieved sigh when I finally heard the door to the apartment slam shut with a loud bang.

I knew I would smell like trash once I arrived at Ava's place but I couldn't care less. I kept digging and searching until I found what I was looking for, not able to hold back a loud "thank god!" as I finally held the second piece of paper in my hands.

I held it next to the other one, just to be sure that it was the right one, and quickly stuffed both halves into my jeans pocket. I had no idea why there would be a second list, I had no idea why Paige had ripped this one in two and thrown it away, but something told me that it was important.


	14. Chapter 14

"New shirt?"

The look on Ava's face was cold as she greeted me and I didn't miss the tone in my girlfriend's question.

Silence.

"It's okay. I know it's hers." Ava told me, shrugging.

I sighed.

"Feels like we haven't talked in a while." I started, not able to hide the insecurity in my voice.

"Well, you were pretty busy." Ava said slowly, sitting down at the dining room table.

"You were the one who left early yesterday morning, Ava. It was pretty obvious you didn't want to talk to me."

"Would have made no sense to talk to you about our relationship right before you take Paige to her doctor's appointment." Ava stated and I nodded. "That's obviously more important."

"Yeah it kind of is." I replied, frowning. What was she implying here? Was that sarcasm in her voice? I couldn't really tell but it did piss me off. And it pissed me off even more that Ava would call Paige after such an obviously important and possibly life altering appointment.

We were staring at each other and the unusual coldness between them scared me. Ava was such a warm and caring person. What had happened?

"I know that you called her, Ava."

Ava let out an ironic laugh.

"Of course you do. Of course she would tell you. Why am I not surprised?"

"I sensed it and I made her tell me, this is not her fault."

"Yeah, I get that you defend her."

"Oh my god." I let out, shaking my head. "How can you turn this around now? It was a coward move to call her. What did you even tell her?"

"I'm sure she already told you all the details, Em, so don't play stupid."

"What did you tell her?" I whispered, pulling at the sleeves of my shirt.

"I asked her if she's still in love with you, Em."

I felt my heart pound faster in my chest.

"And what did she say?"

The words had come out faster than intended, more hopeful than intended. I realized how I must have sounded, but it was too late to take it back.

"She hung up. And I don't blame her. It was pretty fucked up to ask her that."

"It was. God, she had a totally awful morning, the doctors told her again that there was nothing else they could do for her and you call her and make her feel guilty for something that is absolutely not her fault?"

"I'm sorry okay? Geez, I'm fucking sorry but I fucking love you, Emily. This is messed up. I didn't mean to. You know me. Fuck, you know me and you know that I don't want to hurt anyone. But losing you? It hurts. It just hurts."

"But you're not losing me Ava, how many times do I have to tell you that?" I blurted out, shocked by the tears in my girlfriend's eyes. I wasn't sure if I had ever seen her cry before.

"I already have."

I gave her a puzzled look when I suddenly spotted the box on the floor. I couldn't make out much, just a few shirts I was sure I had seen in my own bathroom a few days before.

"What's this?" I whispered, pointing at it.

"Stuff..." Ava breathed out, holding back a sob.

"Are you..." I swallowed. "...are you breaking up with me?"

Ava was looking at me, silent, tears rolling down her cheeks. She reached for her bag to get out her keys, removing one of them from its keyring and shoving it over the table. The key to my door.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am." Her voice was shaky but soft. "But I'm only doing what you're too afraid to do."

"But that's not true!" I half yelled, not willing to take the key. "It's not. No!" I didn't want to let her do this. How could she do this?

"Em..." Ava started, trying to smile. "I lost against her the moment you saw her again. I know that. And the thing is that this has nothing to do with the fact that she's sick. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're scared of losing her and want to spend her last months with her."

She reached out to take my hand and I grabbed it, not wanting to let go. Not wanting to be alone.

"It's about the fact that she's your true love. And I am number two. I've always been number two."

I shook my head, trying to protest, but no words came out.

"Even before you met her again, she was always going to be the one for you, Em. I understand that now. And call me selfish, but I want to be number one for someone." Ava was smiling sadly, wiping away a tear. "I would love for you to love me the way I love you but you don't. At least not as strongly. And I'm going to let you go."

The words felt like a knife in my chest. I quickly pulled my own hand away from Ava's, crossing my arms in front of my chest protectively. Should I fight for her? Would it make sense to fight? Would it be unfair towards Ava to make her change her mind? I didn't know.

"So are we going to stop talking now? Completely? You'll never call me again?" I asked, desperation in my voice as I was trying to hold back a sob.

"I don't know, Em I'm sorry it's just... I don't think I can do this as much as I want to and I want to support you as a friend because I know all this is rough for you, but..."

I suddenly knew I was going to be alone. I knew I couldn't hold it against Ava, I couldn't expect her to be more understanding and fuck, of course she was right, of course I loved Paige more than anyone else in this world and it was probably selfish to expect of Ava to accept this and stick around but I didn't want any of this. I hadn't planned this. I hadn't expected to fall back in love with my ex. I hadn't expected to want a future with the one person it was impossible to have a future with.

Images of the upcoming years were flashing in front of my eyes. Years without Paige and without Ava. And it scared the shit out of me.

"Okay." I finally whispered. It was all there was left to say.

I took the key, wordlessly, and removed my own key to Ava's apartment from my keyring as I was getting up from the table.

"Here's a bag for you. With some of your stuff that was still lying around here. If I still find anything else I will send it to you of course."

I nodded, the tears blurring my vision.

Ava walked around the table, obviously unsure how to say goodbye as we were awkwardly standing in front of each other. Then she took a step forward, wrapping her arms around me.

My body stiffened and I didn't move a muscle while Ava pressed her body close against mine.

"I'm sorry." She whispered into the fabric of my shirt and I closed my eyes, feeling entirely lost.

I turned around on my heel, not willing to look into the other woman's eyes again before walking out the door.

The weight of Ava's bag felt so heavy in my hands, as if it were about to slip out of my fingers.

It seemed to have become a theme. Everything was about to slip out of my hands and there wasn't much I could do about it.


	15. Chapter 15

The apartment felt empty when I stepped inside. I had no idea what to do with myself, suppressing my tears with everything I had. I had cried too much in these past weeks.

Ava had been the one to make me smile again after the breakup with Paige. She had been the first person to make me feel loved again, to make me feel safe when I had been so lost. And now here I was, having lost another person that meant so much to me. My head was throbbing and I popped in two painkillers, drowning them with a glass of water as I sat down on the couch.

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't go to work to distract myself since I had quit in order to take care of Paige. To do a bunch of things on a list that I knew meant nothing to Paige.

The list.

My heart started beating faster when I remembered what was still waiting for me in my jeans pocket.

I had completely forgotten about it over all this emotional turmoil with Ava.

I carefully pulled the two pieces out of my pocket, feeling nervous as I impatiently searched for some scotch tape to glue the list together that was still smelling like the garbage in which it had been waiting for me to find it.

The paper was dirty, but the words were still readable.

N°1: Own a motorcycle – Check.

Underneath were several more points and I slowly started reading, imagining Paige's face as she wrote down all of her ideas in the previous night.

 _Design my own tattoo_

 _Feed a koala_

 _Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue_

I had to laugh.

 _Paint my front door red_

 _Be in two places at once_

 _Spend the night at an aquarium_

 _Get a pink Christmas tree_

I felt my heart grow a little warmer. Those things were cute. Somehow it was so unlike Paige to have such adorable wishes, somehow it fitted her perfectly. Somehow they sounded like things I would put on my bucket list as well.

 _Steal a school bus_

 _Have sex in a hammock between palm trees_

"Oh dear, Paige..." I laughed, shaking my head to myself.

 _Own a tiger_

 _See the New York Jets win the Superbowl_

 _Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne_

 _Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish_

I was still smiling, though I didn't quite understand why Paige would possibly rip this list in two and replace it with the most boring bucket list imaginable. Sure, a few wishes would be harder to realize than others, but I will try. Why not accept a little challenge?

I kept reading, suddenly feeling a knot in my chest.

 _Swim with a shark_

 _Kiss underneath a rainbow_

 _Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower_

Those were dreams we used to have together, weren't they?

 _See the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter with the woman I love_

I swallowed.

 _Go to Machu Picchu_

 _Have a girls' night out with our high school friends_

I felt myself tear up. To anyone else this list would probably seem insignificant, but I knew what it meant. I knew what every single word meant and I knew how alone Paige must have been feeling. I knew I wanted to see the girls again before I died. I knew I wanted to do all these romantic things and probably feel silly asking for them. I wished I could hug Paige right this second.

 _Apologize to my parents_

 _Talk to my grandmother one more time_

My thumb was running along the paper and I could see it was wavy at some spots where the ink was slightly smeared. Tears must have fallen on it and I was doing my best not to add any of my own.

I could see there was supposed to be one more point. It started with a "B" but then Paige must have stopped writing.

B? What did she want to say?

Whatever it was, it was probably what had made her rip the list in the end. It was probably the final wish that Paige knew she didn't want to ask of me.

Part of me felt mad. Maybe not mad. Sad. Sad that Paige would have kept this from me. That she would have decided to go through with those entirely unimportant wishes just because she was too proud or too embarrassed to admit what she really wanted.

I shook my head, not letting go of the piece of paper in my hands that suddenly meant the world to me.

* * *

My eyes widened at the sound of someone hammering against the door. "Open the door!" I heard a familiar voice yell from outside. I frowned.

"Em?" I asked confused, opening the door to let her storm inside.

"What's wrong?" I asked, worried. "Did something happen?"

"Yes. Yes, something happened!" Emily said, out of breath.

I had to raise an eyebrow at the sight of Emily's dirty clothes.

"Somehow you always manage to ruin my shirts, don't you?" I stated, trying to hold back a grin. "What did you fall into?"

"I fell into your garbage, Paige."

"Um...okay...?" I replied slowly, wondering what this was all about. "And what did Ava say...?"

"We talk about that later." I stated.

"All right. What else do you want to talk about?"

I couldn't help but feel a little worried, not able to analyze the expression on Emily's face. She looked a little stressed out and also a little angry. Did Ava say anything to her? Had I done something wrong?

"I want to talk about why you're acting so stupid, Paige."

"Excuse me?" I blurted out, not understanding the world anymore. "What on earth did I do?"

She didn't say anything, just put the list on the table, forcefully.

"Oh my god... how did you..." I stuttered, shaking my head. I felt the heat rise in my body, felt my cheeks turn red. This couldn't be true. This was scary. How high were the chances of Emily finding it? Next to nothing!

"It doesn't really matter how, Paige. What matters is that you would rather visit a Fire Fighter museum with me than do the things that are really important to you. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know, what was I thinking?" I hissed, looking away.

"This was just a silly first draft, Em. Silly things that can't come true anyways. I wasn't thinking straight."

"You obviously weren't when you decided to rip this thing and throw it away." She concluded, her voice still upset.

"You weren't supposed to see this..." I murmured and Emily put her hand on her hip, a challenging look on her face.

"I wasn't supposed to see what you really want your life to look like, Paige? I wasn't supposed to see what you feel? I wasn't supposed to see what would make you happy? Explain that logic to me please but oh wait, don't! Cause it's the same logic you used when you decided to break up with me and not tell me that you're sick. It's the same damn logic and I thought we were past this!"

I couldn't help but feel guilty. But what was I supposed to tell her? Was I supposed to tell her that basically every point on that list was missing a "with you" at the end? Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish with you? Wish that we'll be together forever? Paint my front door red because it's what your favorite couple on One Tree Hill did? Kiss you in front of the Eiffel Tower? Spend the night at an aquarium with you? Get a pink Christmas tree because you always wanted one and I never allowed it? The list basically screamed "Be with me!" Oh screw this, I didn't want to cry again.

"I'm sorry." I said instead.

Emily took a step closer.

"Paige..." she whispered, taking my hand.

"Don't think I don't understand what it means. Because I do. And I want all of this. I wanna do all of this with you..." she smiled. "...even if some of those things are illegal, I think..."

A smile was tugging on my lips.

"A few of those points are impossible though..."

"Nothing is impossible." Emily corrected me, shaking her head. "We'll make it possible."

With that she let a bag drop on the table.

"What's this?" I asked carefully, peeking inside. What I saw made me laugh.

Cherries.

"Oh dear..." I mumbled, putting the little red fruit on a plate.

"It was the only thing I could still make possible tonight." She explained. "It can't be that hard, can it?" She added grinning.

I shook my head. "We better start trying."


	16. Chapter 16

Three hours later both of us were sitting on the floor, surrounded by cherry pits, our bellies hurting from all the laughter and all the fruits.

"Look! It totally counts!" I insisted, holding up a rather pathetic looking 'knot' in the stem.

"Yeah, I think that's okay." Emily cleared her throat, still chuckling.

"Oh screw this, I'm sure my tongue's going to hurt in the morning. It's not used to that much action anymore." I added with a wink.

Emily was looking at me and I thought I could see her blush. She looked adorable.

Somehow my legs had ended up on Emily's lap during the whole cherry debacle and I felt a sudden wave of heat rush through my body. Emily made me so happy and I still didn't know what had gone down with Ava today.

"So are you going to tell me what happened today?" I asked her, carefully.

Emily looked down on her lap, her hands resting on my jeans.

"It's over." She said slowly and I was glad I was done eating cherries or I probably would have choked on one of the pits.

"Over? Oh my god Em, I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. Are you okay?"

I wasn't sorry that Ava was gone. I wasn't sorry that Emily wasn't going to sleep with another woman every night anymore but I was sorry for her. I didn't want her to hurt. It was the last thing I wanted.

Emily was looking at me and I could see the sadness in her eyes.

"I'm okay as long as I'm with you." Emily admitted honestly and I had to close my eyes at those words.

"I'll be okay as long as I have you. But I don't know what will happen after that."

I swallowed. It would always be like this, wouldn't it? These extreme mood swings? From lying on the floor, laughing, to lying on the floor, crying?

I could feel Emily's hand lying on my leg. I could feel her eyes drilling into me. I didn't know what to do. I knew what I wanted to do, but it wasn't right to do it, was it? Not right after a break-up.

We were staring at each other and I felt the tension in every fiber of my body. All I needed to do was lean over. We were already so close. All it took were a few inches and I would feel her.

My eyes were lingering on Emily's eyes, then on her lips, then quickly on her eyes again. I thought I could see her swallow. Could feel her hand move slightly over my jeans. It made me shiver.

"I'm always here for you, you know that right? As long as I can." I whispered.

"Yes I know. It's one of the few things I know for sure."

Emily was squeezing my leg, smiling at me, when suddenly someone started knocking at the door.

"Who the fuck." I murmured, looking at Emily questioningly. "That's not Ava, is it?"

"God no, I doubt it." Emily replied frowning, both of us quickly getting up.

I moved over to the door, opening it to see who the annoying intruder was.

"Mrs. Davis! What are you doing here?"

"Where is your girlfriend?" The elderly woman asked angrily.

"I don't have a g-"

"I'm here." Emily interrupted, softly pushing me aside.

"You said you would scrub the hallway! You promised me! And look at it, it's still a complete mess! I am not going to clean up those disgusting pudding stains and whatever else you left there, Emily. I am not your cleaning lady!"

Emily sighed, giving me an apologetic look.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

I nodded, smiling sympathetically as I was stroking Emily's arm. "Okay. Do you need help?"

"No, I've got it. But I expect to find a perfect knot when I come back." She told me with a wink.

I had to laugh, closing the door behind Emily and examining the mess on the living room floor. This was why I loved her. I missed it. The chaos.

I walked over to the table, looking at the list before taking a pen and the Polaroid camera.

I smiled as I took a picture of the little knot, shaking it until the image showed up. I glued it into the book, before writing another number next to it.

N°2: Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue – Check.

* * *

 **Two weeks later**

I first looked at myself in the mirror, then at my watch, then back at my reflection.

"Do we really need the leather gloves, Em?" I asked her, who was still busy throwing a bunch of things into her black backpack.

"Do you want to leave fingerprints?" Emily asked, not waiting for an answer. "Of course we need them!"

I frowned, straightening my tight black sweatshirt over my equally tight and black leggings. My hair was held back in a strict ponytail, my makeup was dark for dramatic flair. Emily had suggested wearing Catwoman masks, but I had told her this might be going a step too far.

It was 2 a.m. and the streets were empty when we stepped out of the house, careful not to make any noise in the hallway. Emily was about to walk straight to her car when I grabbed her arm, raising an eyebrow.

"You insist on wearing leather gloves but then you want to take the car? Where do you want to park it without being noticed? In the garage? Just switch it for the bus and leave it there until we come back?"

Emily's eyes widened as she took in my words and I had to chuckle.

"You're cute."

The way wasn't too far so Emily and I walked, shivering a little in the cool November air. Even though we had spent every day together in the past two weeks, planning to steal the school bus tonight had been rather spontaneous. Emily had suddenly insisted that we would do it tonight, and since I was still trying to convince her that she shouldn't commit any crimes and possibly get in trouble for this stupid wish, Emily had insisted.

I couldn't help but think that we probably should have waited with this particular wish until the very end because it would be hard to finish the bucket list in jail but once again all Emily would say about this was "trust me".

And I did trust her. I always have.

We finally arrived at the huge garage where the school buses were kept and I swallowed. This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

"How are we going to get in, Em? Do you have anything in your bag to crack open locks? Should we break a window? Wait in the bushes until someone magically shows up and unlocks the gate?"

"Umm..." Emily mumbled, chewing on her bottom lip. "Let me handle that."

She started running to the other side of the garage, leaving me stunned and speechless for a moment.

"Hey!" I hissed, half yelling, half whispering. "You can't leave me here!"

I tried to keep up with her but Emily was much faster than her and I quickly felt out of breath. When I finally arrived at the garage's backside, Emily was holding a window open, smiling triumphantly.

"How on earth did you do that?" I queried, giving Emily a dubious side glance.

She gave me a wink, not saying anything as she climbed through the rather small window, jumping off its edge. She landed safely on her feet, grinning as she turned around and held her arms open.

"Jump, Paige! I'll catch you!" She yelled.

I still looked dubious but finally let out a sigh and let my body slide off the edge of the window, jumping and landing right in Emily's arms.

We stumbled a little backwards when my feet hit the ground, but Emily had her arms wrapped securely around me. We were standing like that for a moment, smiling shyly.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"I can't believe we're doing this..." I mumbled, though I had to admit this whole experience was rather thrilling. Pretty much exactly how I had always pictured it.

To be honest, I had always expected myself to be the one plotting this adventure, but as it turned out, my best friend was once again full of surprises.

I looked around the hall, examining the five big yellow buses with a smirk.

"So, which one is it going to be?" I asked slowly, taking a step closer to one of the vehicles.

"I think this one looks - "

"That one!" Emily interrupted, heading straight to the bus standing on the very right of the hall.

"Uh, okay..." I agreed, following Emily who had already opened the passenger's door to hop inside. Emily held out her hand to help me climb into the bus next to her and we both stared at the steering wheel a little helplessly.

"I think we need to start the engine, Paige." Emily pondered and I nodded.

"Two of my cousins are in jail for stealing cars, I guess it can't be that hard." I commented out loud, looking underneath the steering wheel, trying to remove the plastic shield that was protecting the electronics. "All we have to do is play a bit with the wires to cause a short circuit and voilà, this baby will be ours." Emily was staring at me, worried and nervous as she was chewing on her lower lip.

"Paige. Isn't this dangerous? What if you get electrocuted?"

"Nah" I replied casually, waving her off as I took the wires in my hands, kneeling in the buses' foot well. I was just about to put the two ends together when Emily grabbed my shoulder.

"Stop!" She yelled, her skin paler than usual.

"What, Em?" I asked a little annoyed. "How do you want to get this thing out of here? Push it? Steal a few horses and turn this into a big yellow carriage?"

I loved Emily but they could forget the whole thing if they didn't get this engine running very soon.

"That'd be really cute." Emily smiled. "But no, we could just." She cleared her throat, putting her hand into the pocket of her jacket. "We could just take the key?"

I stared at her like a deer in the headlights, then frowned.

"What's that, Em? Where did you get those?" I asked, my gaze drilling into the woman next to me.

"I kind of um found them?"

I shook my head.

"You're the worst liar ever, Em. Seriously. Where did you get them?"

Emily sighed.

"I talked the owner into giving me a bus for today. That's why it couldn't be any other day, because the school's on a holiday trip." Emily looked guilty, not meeting my eyes. "Are you mad?"

"Em..." I started, not able to hold back a sigh. "You could have told me, did he also leave the window open for you?"

Emily nodded before clearing her throat, shifting awkwardly. "I wanted it to look like we really stole it, Paige..." she pouted. "...but I also didn't want you to get arrested or fried." She added, pointing at the wires.

"I can't believe they actually let you borrow a bus though." I told her, shaking my head. "That's crazy, what did you pay them?"

"Nothing." She replied casually. "I can be very persuasive." She shrugged.

For a moment I was worried Emily might have impressed the guy with her female charms, cringing uncomfortably at the image but then another thought hit me.

She had been honest, hadn't she? Emily hated lying. She had probably told those people that it was the last wish of her dying friend and they had pitied her, right? This was no bus stealing adventure, this was a goddamn pity party. A charity event.

I felt a lump in my throat, staring through the windshield, lost in thought.

"You really are mad." Emily stated sadly and I felt my insides turn mushy at the sound of her sad voice.

How could I even consider complaining about this? Emily had arranged a school bus and we were about to go on a freaking road trip! And I didn't even know for sure how Emily had gotten the keys. And I didn't want to know because it didn't matter. What mattered was that the woman I loved was about to drive into the sunrise with me in a giant yellow bus and we would spend the whole day together.

I sighed, shaking my head as the smile returned to my lips.

"No, Em. I'm not mad. I think you're amazing and we're still pretty badass for doing this. I've never driven a bus before and I'm not sure I can do it."

"I can do it!" Emily offered happily. "You take the map and give me directions. You know I find maps confusing, we'd probably never get there with switched roles."

"Sounds good." I grinned. "I'll open the gate. Get that thing started!"

Emily smiled, trying to push the key into the ignition lock. She pushed again and again but nothing happened.

"It doesn't fit!" Emily whined, looking frustrated.

I tried it myself, quickly realizing that this was indeed not the right key.

"Sure we're in the right bus?"

"He said 'take the one on the very left." Emily pouted and I had to chuckle.

"Come on" I said smiling as I took Emily's hand in mine. "Let's try the bus on the other left."


	17. Chapter 17

I knew we had a long way ahead of us. At least 12 hours of driving.

The sun was already visible on the horizon and Emily had been driving for three hours straight now. At first it had been a little bumpy, but Emily soon got used to the big vehicle. She looked rather tiny behind the huge steering wheel. Emily had removed her ponytail so her hair was waving lightly in the cool breeze coming into the bus through the open windows. The radio signal was bad so we were listening to one of the old mixed tapes we had found in a small box under the seat.

If spending time with Emily on the road in a more or less stolen bus in the early morning hours was making me happy, then nothing could be that bad, right? Because it didn't matter how much time we would have left as long as I felt carefree like in this moment.

I turned around reaching for the backpack to get out a drink handing Emily one as well.

"Paige, I think we're running out of gas." Emily stated after a while.

"Then we better find a gas station." I smiled, deciding to change into some other shirt I had brought with me. I figured two girls, alone, showing up in entirely black clothes with a big bus might make a few people suspicious.

"I'll get out of this smooth criminal outfit." I told Emily, getting up from my seat to change a little further in the back.

Just as I had removed the black top and was wearing only a bra, I thought I could feel Emily's gaze. I risked a short glance over my shoulder, meeting Emily's eyes in the rear-view mirror.

"Focus on the road, please." I smirked, causing a rosy blush to creep on Emily's cheeks.

I tried to play it down, to be flirty, but I had to admit that Emily watching me change made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Not because I didn't trust her or didn't love her, simply because my body didn't make me feel confident about myself anymore.

No one had touched me since our breakup, no one had looked at me except for doctors. No one else had laid eyes on what I had to see every morning in the mirror: a thin, sick, and unattractive woman.

The thought of Emily possibly finding me undesirable made me want to disappear.

Hell even myself wouldn't desire this new version of me. I hadn't even touched myself in months, often too disgusted by my own condition or too numb from my medication.

I felt relieved when Emily finally spotted a small gas station at the side of the road, waking me up from my depressing line of thought as she parked the bus right next to the gas pump.

Emily quickly changed into a normal outfit as well while I tried to figure out where the gas cap was located.

"Well well well..." I suddenly heard the voice of an elderly man who had popped up right behind me. Wrinkly. Gray mustache. Jeans. Flannel shirt. Boots.

"What are you two young ladies doing here in the early morning hours, all alone in an old school bus?" He asked with a strong southern accent.

Emily peeked out of the bus.

"We stole it..." She whispered proudly, causing the man to frown and twirl his mustache around his finger.

My eyes widened before I quickly started shaking my head.

"We didn't, actually, so no need to call the cops."

"Uh huh..." The man muttered, walking back to the small shop where he sold drinks and snacks.

I tried to focus on filling the tank with gas but as much as I tried to fight it, I felt dizzy. This often happened when I hadn't laid down for a while or when I had to handle unusual or exciting situations. I kept my eyes on the gas pump, fighting against blurry vision. The pain in my upper stomach was becoming almost unbearable, heat wave after heat wave shaking through my body.

"Are you okay? Paige?" I heard Emily's voice as if it were coming from miles away.

"Paige?"

"Yeah... I'm... I think I need to use the bathroom." I stuttered, before throwing up right next to the bus.

* * *

Paige's head was lying on my lap on a couch in the back of the gas station. I was stroking her hair, looking at my tired Paige. I felt terrible, scared, guilty. It was too much for her, wasn't it? I had underestimated Paige's disease and it made me feel sick to see her like that.

"Want some more water?" The elderly man asked Paige, a concerned look on his face as he sat down on a chair beside us. His name was Joe.

"Thank you." I replied as I took the bottle from him, helping Paige to take a sip.

"It'll be okay. I'm fine. I just feel a little nauseous sometimes." Paige assured us, still looking pale. "Will you get me my meds?"

I nodded. I knew I didn't need to tell Paige what I really felt. How much it terrified her. Everything.

I watch Paige swallow each pill, study her face to make out if she were in pain. Her features were tense but she brought out a smile. Always the tough one.

"We can go back, P. We can call a doctor. I don't know, I'm sure there are doctors around here, we -"

"No." Paige interrupted. "I'm good, Em. I'm good. We're not going home."

"Okay..." I whispered, my gaze dropping as Paige got up from my lap.

"I'd like to use the restroom, clean up a little..." She mumbled. "Then we can go ."

"It's right outside, the little blue cabin," Joe told her. "Want me to show it to ya?"

"I got it."

Joe cleared his throat.

"So what is this road trip all about, if you don't mind me asking? I've worked at this gas station for over 35 years but never have I met two pretty young women alone in a school bus." He asked me when Paige was out of the room, cracking open a beer. What time was it? 8 a.m.?

"We're on our way to Copperhill, Tennessee." I told him. "It was her birthday wish." I lied, not meeting the man's eyes.

Joe nodded slowly, scratching the stubbles on his chin.

"Cancer is a bitch." He finally said and I started to choke on my water.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused, immediately wondering if the man was psychic or a wizard.

"Sweetheart, it's not hard to see that your friend is sick. I lost my dear Carol to that son-of-a-bitch of a disease and let me tell ya, if god really exists, he and I are gonna have a serious talk if I ever get to meet him."

I swallowed. I hoped Paige would stay in the bathroom for a little while longer because I was pretty sure she wouldn't approve of this kind of conversation.

"I... I'm sorry about your wife..." I whispered.

"Thanks. You know, life isn't fair. But we have to make the best of it. I know she's in a better place now."

He took another sip of his beer, stretching his legs.

"I think it's great that you two are doing what you feel like doing, ya know? What's the point in sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself when you can go out and enjoy the day. Yeah, the world can be an ugly place, but there's a lot more than that. If I could turn back time, I'd do all kinds of crazy things with Carol. Go camping in the wilderness, make love to her under the stars, ya know?"

I nodded, a smile tugging on my lips.

"And you, kiddo..." He said, his voice more serious. "You're gonna be all right. You're young."

I gave him a dubious look.

"Look at me, I'm an old guy, but I'm not sad or feeling sorry for myself. I got to spend so many years of my life married to the woman I love, and I know she's not really gone. It doesn't feel like she's gone. I still talk to her and it still feels like she's listening. And I'm pretty damn sure I'll see her again, sooner or later."

"But she's too young to... to..."

"I know. Joe said, not waiting for me to say the word. "I know, kiddo. And I'm sorry. But you two are gonna make the best of it. She seems like a tough young woman to me. She's not gonna leave you without fighting. She's gonna stay with you for as long as she can, and you're gonna have a hell of a good time. A time you'll always remember. Something that no one can ever take away from you."

I nodded again, quickly brushing away the tears from my cheeks as I heard Paige's footsteps in the hallway.

Then the door swung open.

"I'm ready if you are." Paige stated as she came back inside and I quickly got up, placing a quick kiss on Joe's cheek.

"Thank you." I whispered, giving the man a smile before heading to the door.

Joe walked with us to our bus, handing us two cans of beer as we climbed back into the vehicle.

"On the house." He told us with a grin. "Have a good trip. Oh, and just follow the road signs to Chattanooga, that's the quickest way!"

Paige nodded as she took the cans, thanking him for his help.

I could still see Joe in the rear-view mirror as he stood there, watching us with a smile on his lips until the school bus was finally out of sight.


	18. Chapter 18

I told Paige to sleep for a while to regain some energy. She argued at first but I told her that Chattanooga was a word I wouldn't forget, so it wouldn't be too hard to follow the road signs by myself for a while.

And I was proud of myself. We had been on the road for almost 10 hours already and it couldn't take that much longer to finally get to Copperhill.

Paige looked peaceful as she slept and I was glad that most of the color had returned to her cheeks.

I took a look over my shoulder, realizing that there were some thick black clouds in the sky and for a minute I felt thankful that we were driving a bus and not riding a motorcycle.

My mind went back to the list and all the things we were still about to do. I was smiling at the thought of making a few of the more difficult wishes come true. It was a little like playing fairy godmother.

The thunder seemed to be getting closer and I looked at Paige again, hoping that the growling sounds wouldn't wake her up. She needed the rest. Maybe I could manage the whole way by myself. Paige would be happy to realize we had already arrived at our destination when she woke up.

When raindrops started landing on the windshield, I felt a short wave of panic having no clue how to turn on the wipers. I pressed a few buttons, shifted a few levers, but all I managed to accomplish was enabling the heater and the long distance light.

I let out a frustrated groan, deciding it was safer to take a quick stop at the side of the road until the shower had passed, not wanting to put them in any danger.

Paige still hadn't woken up when I parked the bus and let her head rest on the window next to her to watch the raindrops smash against the glass.

I was looking outside, lost in thought, when suddenly...

"Paige?" I yelled, poking her. "Paige, wake up!"

Paige moaned a little, slowly opening her eyes.

"What happened?" She asked confused. "Are we there yet?"

"Not quite yet."

"Did we get lost?"

"No, Paige, get up!"

Paige was wiping the sleep out of her eyes, staring at me. I pushed the door open, hopping right into the rain.

"Are you insane? You will get a cold!" Paige said, frowning. "Come back inside."

"No, Paige, come outside! Just do it!"

Paige sighed, shaking her head as she stepped out in the cool November rain.

"And now?" She asked me a little impatiently. "It's raining. Great."

"Turn around!" I ordered and Paige did just that. Then she spotted it. The huge rainbow. Double rainbow even. I thought I could see Paige blush.

We were in the middle of nowhere surrounded by corn fields. On our left the sun was shining brightly. On the right the sky was gray, almost black even. In front of the dark clouds the giant rainbow was shining in all its beautiful colors. It looked amazing.

I looked at Paige who kept staring at the rainbow, then turned around to meet my eyes.

"It's... um. It's a rainbow, Paige."

"Yeah." Paige cleared her throat. "Yeah, I can see that."

"Well... I mean... You said you wanted to, you said you wanted a kiss."

Paige nodded slowly, biting her lower lip.

"I guess that's what I said."

"I... I'm sorry..." I stuttered.

"Sorry about what?" Paige whispered.

"That I'm the only one around right now. You can of course wait for another rainbow with somebody else, I mean, I don't expect you to, I don't know if you want to, maybe some other day."

Paige closed her eyes, shaking her head as she smiled.

"Shut up." She said, her eyes teary as she opened them again. "Shut up, Em."

I felt my heart pump faster in my chest as I saw Paige walk over. Her hair was wet, just like my own, thick raindrops running down her skin. Her eyes looked a little darker than usual as they were drilling into mine.

Then our faces were only inches apart.

For a second I thought I could see Paige hesitate, could sense how nervous she was, but a moment later it was all forgotten.

A moment later everything felt right.

Paige's lips were on mine, softly at first, brushing lightly. I pulled away a little, searching Paige's eyes for confirmation. I saw the smile on her lips. Saw the relief. The happiness.

And then our lips touched again, and it felt as if nothing had changed. As if we had never broken up. As if we had only been apart for a long vacation and one of us finally returned home.

All the waiting. All those months. All those nights.

I parted my lips, instinctively, catching my breath as I felt the tip of Paige's tongue against my own. I had missed this so much. This feeling. Everything about her.

I could feel Paige's hand in my hair, could feel her stroke some wet strands out of my face. A small gesture that made my heart beat even faster.

This was it. I knew it. This was the moment that changed everything. After this kiss we wouldn't be able to go back. Paige would be mine again because I knew Paige felt it too. She had to.

Her hand was on my neck now, pulling me closer as she deepened the kiss, our bodies pressed impossibly close together in entirely soaked clothes in the cold rain underneath the rainbow. Our rainbow.

My eyes were pressed shut and I felt like never opening them again. It was one of those rare moments in life that you didn't want to end. One of these moments that felt as if someone had lifted a terribly heavy weight off your shoulders that you had forgotten you were carrying all these months because you had gotten so used to it.

I never wanted to get used to it again. I never wanted to be without those kisses again.

"I missed you." I gasped as I interrupted the kiss for a second. "I missed you so much. I can't tell you how much."

Paige shook her head, smiling. "Me too" She whispered. "Me too."

I took off my jacket, wrapping it around Paige as I kissed her once more, smiling against her mouth as I pressed my lips on hers. I lifted her off the ground, twirling her around a little, not once breaking the kiss.

Paige was so light. I thought I could probably carry her all the way to Copperhill.

I had no idea how long we had been kissing, with the jacket held over our heads like a tent. We only stopped when I could feel Paige shiver in the embrace.

"We should get back inside and warm up. I found the button for the heater" I stated smiling, my forehead leaning against Paige's.

"Em?"

"Hmmm?" I sighed happily.

"We forgot to take a picture for the book."

I pulled away a little, giving her a playful grin.

"Such a shame, what are we going to do about that?"

Paige smiled, laughed even, her eyes glowing.

"I'd say you better get that camera out here and we, you know, repeat the whole thing. Just for the picture of course."

I smiled brightly, not letting go of Paige's hand.

"Whatever the lady commands."


	19. Chapter 19

The whole rest of the way I couldn't stop smiling. Paige's hand was resting on my leg. We were enjoying each other's presence with the taste of the other one still lingering on our lips.

When we finally saw the Copperhill road sign, I let out an excited squeak.

"We made it! We actually made it. We're so good!" I chanted, squeezing Paige's hand a little harder.

"You are good, Em. I slept for a few hours and you made it all on your own." She smiled.

I blushed. Paige made me feel so good about myself. She was one of the few people in my life who had always believed in me.

It was almost 11 o'clock, definitely time for a late breakfast or brunch. Since it was a regular work day, the small town didn't seem too crowded, so we found a parking lot that was big enough to park the bus and started looking for a nice little diner.

We walked along the streets hand in hand and I eagerly took in the surroundings. It was a beautiful day, no more signs of rain, and Paige McCullers was beside me, our fingers entangled.

It didn't take long to find a nice little café where we enjoyed some toast and eggs with a warm cup of coffee and I knew that this was what I wanted. This. For the rest of my life. Go out for breakfast with this gorgeous woman.

The cancer felt unreal. Like a bad memory of a stupid nightmare.

Right now it didn't feel as if anything were about to change. It felt like the start of something great, not like the beginning of the end. As if we had all the time in the world.

After having finished brunch we continued our little walk, full and satisfied, until we finally spotted what we had been looking for. The reason for this whole trip.

"There it is!" Paige shouted. "Exciting!" She added with a wink.

On the street in front of us was a long blue line painted on the asphalt. The official border between Georgia and Tennessee.

We smiled as we reached the line, following it all the way until we reached a long bridge with a big green sign in front of it: Ga. / Tenn. State Line – At this steel bridge the Toccoa River becomes the Ocoee River.

"We're going to be in two places at once and above two different rivers at the same time Paige. How awesome is that?"

"Very awesome!" She agreed, nodding. "Come on!"

Paige tugged at my arm, dragging me with her as she started running towards the bridge.

I giggled, following her with fast steps until we were standing in the middle of the bridge, looking down at the water.

"Got the cam?" I asked and Paige smiled, quickly getting out the Polaroid.

"Know what I think?" I added.

"What do you think?"

"It'd be even better if we kissed in two places at once." I told her, biting my lower lip with a shy grin.

Paige had to laugh. "Oh, I like the sound of that." She said before holding up the camera in front of us.

I closed my eyes, sighing contently as Paige's lips found mine. Click.

I made a mental note in my head to scratch out the points on the list as soon we got back to the car.

N° 3 – Steal a school bus – Check.

N°4 – Kiss underneath a rainbow – Check.

N°5 – Kiss in two places at once – Check.

* * *

 **Two Weeks Later**

It was still dark outside. December had come and it was getting colder every day. I heard the wind rattling against the bedroom window and moved a little closer to Emily who was sleeping next to me in bed.

The red lights of the radio alarm clock illuminated the room just enough to make out the silhouette of my sleeping girlfriend.

Yeah. Girlfriend. I figured I could call her that again.

Emily was shifting a little on the mattress and sometimes I wondered if she could feel my eyes on her. When her eyes fluttered open, I kissed her forehead.

"Sleep some more. It's early."

Emily came closer and nuzzled her head against my chest, wrapping an arm around my thin body.

"But you're awake too." She whispered, her fingertips slowly stroking up and down my bare arm.

I sighed, my chin resting on Emily's head. I enjoyed being close to her, I enjoyed it so much because it felt so right to lie next to her but something inside me kept holding me back.

Our trip in the not-so-stolen bus had been wonderful and the kisses had made me happier than I had been in a very long time. And there had been more kisses afterwards. We had kissed every day.

Still, I had been scared to take our relationship any further and couldn't even explain why. We had cuddled, had stroked each other softly before falling asleep together but I made sure to keep my clothes on.

I did want Emily. I did want to feel her. But I wanted things to be as they used to be. I wanted to be the person I once was, not the woman I am now.

My eyes were fixed on the chair in the bedroom, my clothes and my wig carelessly thrown on the seat, while Emily started kissing my fingertips.

"I like the sound of the wind..." Emily said between kisses. "It makes me want to stay cuddled up in bed with you all day."

I could feel her breathe against my neck, could feel her press herself even closer against me. The sound of the wind became louder, just like the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears. It felt as if Emily was surrounding me completely, her hands slowly wandering up my body while she placed soft kisses along my jawline.

I pressed my eyes shut, trying to focus on the feeling.

It felt good. Fantastic even. But I felt my eyes get teary.

I wanted to tell her to stop. Wanted to tell her to wait. That it was a mistake.

The truth was, I felt depressed.

Some days were okay, some days were not so okay, some days I just wanted to disappear. Of course everything had become better since Emily was back in my life, of course she gave me so much strength every day but as hard as I tried to fight the feeling, the sadness and self-hatred often washed over me and there was nothing she could do about it. Sometimes I felt like telling her to pack her things and leave before it was too late.

"Look at me, I have nothing to offer you." I wanted to tell her. "What do you want here? Go and live your life, Em. Go and be with someone great. Go before I get weaker. Go before you'll see me lying in bed connected to machines. Before I'm too weak to eat and to talk. Just go!"

In my head I had so often yelled these words at her. But I also knew my head was screwing with me. I knew in my heart I wanted Emily more than anything in this world. I knew I wanted to finish the bucket list with her. But some days my body betrayed me.

I had tried to get up, tried to move on to another item on the list, but my body wouldn't let me. It felt like being paralyzed. As if head and body were no longer willing to cooperate. As if all I could do was stay in bed forever.

And Emily had been so patient with me in the past weeks. She had tried to talk to me about my feelings, and when that hadn't worked she had tried to distract me with silly things. With funny anecdotes. With movies. With freshly baked cookies. With everything she had.

At least we managed to paint the front door red the other day. I had felt a little bit better and bought the shiny red color before dressing up in old white clothes, arming ourselves with two extra huge paint brushes.

Of course the paint had ended up all over our clothes, faces, hair - and the hallway. Mrs. Davis had completely freaked out, had told us she'd call the landlord, but somehow Emily had managed to calm her down. It was something she was really good at, calming other people down.

We giggled a lot, had kissed each other with red painted noses until Emily had suggested showering together. And my smile had frozen on my lips.

Emily didn't ask again.

I was fisting the sheets now, trying to control my heartbeat and emotions while Emily was kissing her way up to my earlobe, softly caressing the skin with her tongue.

It was fucking unfair.

I am 23 years old. I want to shower with my girlfriend, want to sleep with her and enjoy it. Want this suffocating fear to go away. I want to live.

"Are you okay?" Emily whispered, interrupting the kisses to look at me.  
"I'm so sorry..." I whispered back.

Emily tried to smile, softly brushing some strands of hair out of my face, behind my ear. She kissed my nose as her thumb was lightly stroking along my chin.

"It's all right. Everything's fine, okay? I promise."

Nothing was all right. Nothing was fine. We both knew it. But it was still good to hear Emily say it.

I nodded before Emily's lips found mine again. Just one kiss, telling me "I'm here for you". It was enough.

"I'm going to take a shower, okay?" She said. "And I have to run some errands soon."

I swallowed and nodded, hating the thick lump in my throat.

Emily got up and suddenly the bed was empty and cold.

I wanted to tell her to come back. Wanted to tell her not to leave. To stay with me. To kiss me. To touch me. To make me forget about everything. To get my heart to slow down. But no words came out of my mouth.

I closed my eyes again when I finally heard the water running in the shower.


	20. Chapter 20

I stood in front of the white door, my hand resting against the wooden material. I swallowed, not sure whether to knock or leave. I felt a shiver run through my body, even though the building was heated and my coat was supposed to keep me warm. It was one of those fast shivers that started at the back of your neck and quickly shot through your spine, all the way down to your feet.

Then I knocked.

"Come in!" I heard the friendly voice say and slowly opened the door, still a little hesitant.

When I stepped inside I could see the surprised look on the woman's face.

"Emily." Gabriela said, getting up from her seat with a frown on her forehead.

"Everything okay? Is Paige..."

"Paige is all right" I assured her, silently closing the door.

"Okay, good" the doctor smiled, pushing back the chair on the other side of her desk, motioning me to take a seat.

"How can I help you?"

I sat down, trying not to look around the room too much to avoid being overwhelmed by the memories from my last visit.

"It's about Paige, obviously..." I started, toying with the scarf around my neck. "I wanted to ask you something..."

"What is it?" Gabriela asked friendly, leaning back in her chair.

"Okay... so..." I stuttered. "Paige and I we're doing this thing, we're trying to do a lot of things she wants to do before..."

Gabriela nodded.

"Paige wants to see Paris." I blurted out, biting my lower lip. "I don't want to take her to Europe if... yeah, I wanted to check with you first. I don't want to take her there if you think that..." I sighed. "Do you think it's too much for her?"

The doctor smiled, still nodding slowly.

"I see..." She mumbled, her frown indicating that she was thinking carefully about her answer.

"To be honest, Emily..." she started. "I'm not sure if it's a good idea. You know, this would be quite a big trip and while I think that Paige has been remarkably strong lately, I do think that a trip to another continent might come with a few risks. I'm not going to lie, I think regarding her condition it might be safer to stay in the country."

I swallowed.

"I know there are good doctors everywhere," she continued, "but it might get complicated it might be better for her to stay as close to her own doctors as possible. I think you should consider it very carefully. It'd be a long flight, most likely a lot of stress."

"It's okay." I interrupted her. "I understand. That's why I came here. I was afraid you'd say that."

I looked down at my hands which were shaking slightly, biting the inside of my cheek. I had expected it. The doctor was right. I had to accept this, right? As Sad as It was.

"Emily." Gabriela said, a smile tugging at her lips as she reached over the table to take my hand. "I think it's remarkable that you want to do this for her. I think it's amazing what you two have and what a great support you are for her."

"Yeah..." I breathed out. "But it doesn't change anything. I mean, there's nothing I can do to make her better."

"That's not true" Gabriela said, shaking her head. "You've already done more than you can imagine. I mean the latest test results, they were really good."

I looked up, my eyes glowing with hope. Good? Good results?

"They were?" I asked, barely able to hold back my excitement. "She's getting better? Tell me she's getting better!"

Yeah, I knew Paige was still in pain quite often, I knew that. She was often tired, often weak, but maybe the medication really did work. Maybe the doctors would change their mind. Maybe she could really try another chemo. Maybe it was that green tea. I made sure that Paige drank it every night.

"No... I mean... that's not what I meant."

Of course not.

"Emily... Paige isn't going to get better but she's not getting worse at the moment."

"This is not exactly what I was hoping to hear now..." I answered slowly, trying to swallow down the inevitable lump in my throat.

"I know, but listen to me." She said, her voice calm and friendly. "It's already a small miracle." She smiled.

"You know, when Paige was first diagnosed and when the chemo didn't do its work honestly, I expected her to have only a few more months left."

I stared at her, trying to stay calm.

"I expected her condition to get worse quickly because the cancer had already spread that far and even though I'm still young, I've had a lot of different patients in my career, a lot of patients with a very similar condition and believe me when I say this, Paige's strength it's amazing. It's remarkable."

It was good to hear her say these words, but it also hurt so much.

"And seriously since you've come back into her life..." She said, squeezing my hand. "Since you're back it's as if you're giving her even more strength. It's as if her body is fighting this cancer with every fiber. Things could be a lot worse at this point. But the way it looks right now, I am fairly certain that you will still have time with her. I mean, considering the circumstances. More than I ever thought possible."

I had tried hard to numb my emotions for the visit, but of course I couldn't keep the tears from welling up.

"You can be so proud of what you two have and what it's doing to her."

I was brushing away the tears with my sleeve, shaking my head.

"But I don't feel as if I can truly help her lately I don't... I mean she's so sad. Sometimes it's okay, but then, she just sits there and stares she doesn't want to get up she doesn't want me to touch her..."

I let out a sob, making a fist in my pocket. I didn't want to cry in front of this doctor again for god's sake.

"I'm sorry, this is probably too much information..." I quickly added, looking away.

"Hey, no, it's all right." Gabriela told me, still stroking my hand reassuringly. "But Emily, really, this is normal, trust me. I know that Paige loves you more than anything. I mean, I've never had such a close relationship with any of my patients and it's more appropriate to keep a professional distance but I'm telling you this as a friend and not as her doctor, okay? Paige always wanted to be with you and all this strength she's showing it's the strength she's getting from her love for you."

I nodded. Stupid tears. Go away.

"Fear and depression are very common side effects of cancer," She stated. "When she heard the diagnosis for the first time and when she ended things with you believe me, she was a mess. She talked to a therapist and learned to cope with it, but it was hard. She was so close to giving up so often. But it's not like that anymore. I've seen the changes in her."

"I just want her to be happy." I told her, my voice shaking.

"I know that. But you have to try to understand that it has nothing to do with you. She's as happy as you can possibly make her. But she's scared. Even if she doesn't want to admit it." Gabriela explained. "Death is a scary topic. Nobody knows what happens after, you know? Nobody knows when it's going to happen. She's scared of leaving you. Scared of how you're going to deal with it..."

"But she shouldn't worry about me, she should focus on herself."

"Of course she's worried about you Emily." She continued, smiling softly. "That's why it's important that you two are totally honest with each other. That you talk about what you're afraid of and that you talk about the future."

"Yeah... yeah, I guess." I nodded.

"And..." Gabriela cleared her throat. "About the touching, being close to her. I know it's hard, but keep trying to make her feel comfortable with herself. Many cancer patients experience this and it's hard for both, the patient and their partner. The medication is one part of it, lack of sexual desire can be a common side effect but then there's the other side, the changes in the patient's body. Many people who've been through chemo and experience losing their hair, losing weight, occasionally losing control over their own body they have a very different picture of themselves than they've had before. Even if you probably still see her as the beautiful woman she's always been, it is not the same for her."

I shook my head. "She's the most beautiful person I know." I stated honestly.

I couldn't stand the thought of Paige feeling that insecure about herself. I wanted to run home and tell her that. That looking at her still made my knees weak. That I had never desired anyone as much as I desired her.

"I believe you mean that." Gabriela said, giving my hand one more squeeze. "And she's going to believe you too. Just give her some time. Just try to show her what you truly feel and I'm sure she will be able to trust you enough to let you come a little closer again."

It was hard to take, this journey into Paige's head. And as comforting as Gabriela's words were, all I wanted to do was take the pain away from my girlfriend. Right now it was as if I could feel every bit of that pain in my own body and heart.

"Thank you." I whispered, not knowing what else to say. "Thanks so much for talking to me."

"Any time" She assured me "Really, whenever she or you need advice or just need to talk, you know where to find me."

"Yes... yes, thank you."

The doctor held out my hand for me to shake it, but I quickly wrapped my arms around the smaller woman. I didn't care that this was almost a stranger. I needed this right now.

I took a deep breath when the door to the doctor's office closed behind me.

What was I supposed to do now? Paige wanted a kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower and she was going to get a kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower. I'd find a way.

My mind was working hard, going through all possible scenarios, when suddenly I had an idea.

Yeah. This might work.

I grabbed my bag, quickly searching for my phone. I turned it on, then opened Facebook.

I knew what I wanted to do, but I also knew I needed some help.


	21. Chapter 21

I was still lying in bed. I fell asleep again, had woken up after a few hours just to find that Emily still hadn't returned, then fell asleep again. It was late afternoon by now and I was starting to get worried. This was odd.

Emily often left the house when I felt like staying inside, but usually she came back after a short time when she had shopped for a few groceries or had run some other errands.

How long had she been gone now? Seven hours? Eight?

Did I scare her away? Did she need space? Was it getting too much for her?

I buried my face in my pillow.

This was just fucking perfect. I had dragged Emily down with me, hadn't I? Because I couldn't move my fucking ass out of bed. Because I was so fucking unmotivated. Because I hadn't shown any interest in any other bucket list points. Because I sucked. Fuck this.

I dragged the blanket over my head, sweating under the warm material. I didn't care about the lack of oxygen, I just wanted to shut out the world. I'd just wait in my little cave until Emily returned. I'd try to apologize.

If Emily returned.

I was so caught up in my own anger that I hadn't noticed Emily coming back inside, storming into the bedroom.

"Sorry I've been gone so long, but now it's time for you to get up!" She almost yelled, ripping the curtains open and letting the late afternoon sunlight stream into the room.

Her unexpected voice almost gave me a heart attack. I carefully peeked out of my blanket, frowning as I saw Emily opening a suitcase and throwing all kinds of different clothes inside.

"What on earth are you doing?" I asked, my eyes trying to follow Emily's fast movements.

"Honey, you need to shower. We're leaving. I know you probably want to protest, but you're going to like this."

I shook my head, the blanket still pulled all the way up to my chin.

Emily dropped the shirt in her hand, looking at me. Then she smiled and hopped onto the mattress next to me.

"Paigeeee..." She started , slowly pulling the blanket away to crawl underneath it herself.

She kissed my cheek and took my hand in hers, wrapping her arms around me.

"You've spent enough time in Snuggleland" She told me. "I like it too, and I absolutely want to go back here, but right now I have a surprise for you."

I had to smile a little at the woman whose fingers were pulling me close, whose grin was so big it was contagious.

"Emily Catherine Fields, you've had too many surprises for me in these past weeks." I told her before Emily's lips found my own.

"And you liked all of them, didn't you?" She mumbled, her mouth still pressed against mine.

I had to smirk. Yeah. Yeah, damn it, of course I had liked them.

I nodded.

"Okay, okay. I'm getting up."

"Perfect!" Emily squealed, quickly throwing the blanket off of the bed. She hopped off the mattress again, standing next to me as she held out her hand to help me get up.

I sighed, accepting the hand as I was quickly pulled out of bed.

Emily was still smiling, wrapping her arms around my body as she positioned another kiss on my cheek.

"You look beautiful today" She whispered and I couldn't deny that it felt good to hear her say it.

"But now go shower, I will take care of the rest!"

She gave me a playful slap on my butt as she pushed me into the bathroom and I couldn't help but chuckle and shake my head.

How did she do it?

How did she always make the impossible possible?

How did she manage to make me feel as if all of my previous sadness was just a silly and unnecessary waste of time?

I really had no idea.

I took my time in the shower, tried to enjoy the water on my skin, washing away the dark thoughts. I rubbed my hair dry and when I was done, I wondered what Emily was up to.

My girlfriend had finished packing and was looking at some stuff in her purse when I came out of the bathroom.

I walked over to the mirror to put on my wig when Emily looked up, coming closer to stand behind me, both of us looking at our reflection.

"You don't need it." Emily said, smiling softly. "You look great."

"I don't know."

"I do know." Emily stated, her voice firm. "I love your hair. I love you."

I felt my body fill with warmth, smiling shyly.

"Okay." I said slowly. "Okay, I'll leave it off."

Emily smiled at me through the mirror, kissing my neck.

"Thank you."

We were standing like that for a moment, just looking at each other, when the sound of a car honking woke us from our little trance.

"That's our cab." Emily grinned. "Let's go."

"How long are we going to be gone for?" I asked, Emily gave me a wink, entangling our fingers.

"Just for a day. We'll be back tomorrow night."

I smiled, deciding not to ask any more questions for now.

Emily locked the door behind us, then hopped down the stairs with fast steps. It was already dark outside. A cool winter night. The sky was clear.

"I really want to know where we're going." I said as I opened the back door, freezing as I looked inside.

"Get inside!" A cheerful voice spoke and I thought my heart must have stopped.

"We're going to Vegas!"

The voice belonged to Sydney Driscoll.

/

I still couldn't believe what was happening. I couldn't believe Emily had managed to arrange a last minute flight. I couldn't believe she had contacted Sydney and that she had been spontaneous enough to do this with us.

I felt insecure, not knowing what to say, not knowing what Sydney knew about, but my friend had made it very easy. Sydney had talked non-stop, told me that she had wanted to call us so many times in the past years but never had the guts to do it. That she was proud to have finished her studies but that she was in between jobs now, visiting her mother for a few weeks. That she had been in a relationship with some church guy but that he had been driving her crazy in the end. That Emily's message had been like a sign, like a small relief she had been waiting for all this time. The perfect chance to let loose a little and clear her head. That it was so good to see us again.

I had laughed a lot and it was as if nothing had changed. Sydney was still Sydney, even if she seemed more mature and a lot more confident about herself.

"By the way, I love the new haircut. It really suits you." Sydney spoke as she was looking out of the window.

"Thanks." I replied, glancing over to Emily who was holding my hand, smiling.

"This is going to be so much fun!" Emily exclaimed happily, letting her head rest on my shoulder.

"Absolutely" Sydney agreed, grinning. "Never been here. Always wanted to go."

My stomach tingled with excitement.

Vegas.

I hadn't actually thought of going here before. Why didn't I? I totally should have put it on the list myself.

"I don't even know what I want to see first!" Emily said, barely able to keep her feet still. "There must be so many good shows. And I'm hungry. I want to eat. And dance! I want to dance. Can we dance?"

I chuckled.

"I guess we should try to do as much as possible. I slept all day, I'm full of energy." I answered.

Emily smiled as we were standing in front of the airport, looking around.  
"Should we take a bus or something?" I asked, but Sydney and Emily just looked at each other with a knowing grin.

"A bus? Are you kidding?" Sydney laughed. "We're more classy than that."

When I spotted the black stretch limousine I immediately understood what my friends had been up to.

"Oh god. How?" I asked them, shaking my head in disbelief.

"I have my connections." Sydney replied with a wink.

I was in Vegas, being led into this crazy fancy car, greeted by a friendly chauffeur in a black uniform and hat.

"Ladies." He said, holding the door open.

"There's champagne, there are snacks. Just suit yourself and enjoy the ride."

Holy hell, this must have cost a fortune. For a second I wanted to worry about Emily's money, wanted to worry about the fact that she seemed to be spending all of her savings to make me happy but then I looked at her. Saw her face. Saw her smile. Her excitement. And somehow I knew this wasn't only about making me happy, it was about being happy together.

Sydney opened the cork of the bottle with a loud popping sound as the driver had taken off, some of the sparkling liquid running down her fingers. She grinned.

"Girls, your glasses please!"

I knew that getting drunk wasn't the wisest decision but I was going to allow myself one drink.

"Cheers. To a fabulous night!" Sydney exclaimed, clonking our glasses together.

I enjoyed the warm feeling of the bubbly in my stomach, not hesitating to give Emily a long and passionate kiss.

"You two still can't keep your hands off of each other." Sydney smirked, taking a sip herself.

"Oh... we've... we've actually been broken up for a year and only recently got back together." Emily explained, smiling shyly.

"I'm glad you did. You two belong together. You always have."

I smiled, looking at Emily. "Yeah, I guess we do."

The shadows of the shining buildings were reflecting on my face and I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in the breeze on my face and the different smells and sounds. It was better than anything I had imagined before. Maybe it was the company that made it so good.

"So... what hotel are we staying at?" I asked when she climbed back into my seat, my cheeks rosy.

Emily's smile brightened.

"What do you think?" She said, biting her lower lip, grinning. "The Paris Hotel."


	22. Chapter 22

It was late, but Vegas was wide awake.

We had managed to get tickets for the Cirque de Soleil show. I didn't know what had made it that good, watching those crazy talented artists fly through the air or listening to Emily's constant oohs and aaahs. I figured it was the combination of both.

Emily was getting a little tipsy and Sydney and I had to chuckle several times because she wasn't able to shut up. Emily blabbered happily, dragging us from one bar to the next.

We had tried to play a few slot machines at the Casino but in the end we had lost more money at the place than we had earned. It didn't matter. As cheesy as it was, I already felt lucky enough. At least tonight.

When we were finally in a club with a big dance floor, Emily's excitement reached its climax. It had been so long since I had seen her dance. Too long. I had missed it. I had to admit that I was beginning to feel exhausted, but I was doing my best to keep my strength. I watched Emily dance with Sydney, watched them laugh, enjoyed the feeling of the loud bass in my veins.

My girlfriend looked stunning and as tipsy as she was it was fascinating how much control she had over her body, how she became one with the music and sexily moved over the dance floor without any effort.

I felt Emily's hands on my hips, felt her press her body against me from behind as our hips moved in unison.

"You're so sexy." Emily breathed into my ear. I felt myself blush.

"I've seen people stare at you." She continued, her hands running up and down the side of my body. "I don't like it but it also makes me proud 'cause you're here with me. 'Cause you're dancing with me..."

I shook my head.

"I don't think anyone's staring, Em. If anything they are looking at you, because you're pretty damn flawless."

"Uh-uh!" Emily exclaimed, turning me around so I was facing her, holding her close as we danced.

"See that chick over there? Earlier, when I was getting another drink, I heard her talk about you. She said you were hot, she was thinking about coming over to you and asking you to dance."

I frowned.

"You're making that up."

"I wish" Emily said, kissing my cheek as she let her hands disappear in the back pockets of my pants.

"But I told her you're here with me and you know what?"

"What?" I swallowed.

"You can't see it, but her face she's looking right at us, frustrated that I get to touch your cute butt."

"Em!" I exclaimed, rolling my eyes but Emily started giggling.

"I'm sorry, I think I had a bit too much of that bubbly but I'm not lying."

I shook my head again but I couldn't help but grin.

We danced like this for a little while longer while Sydney was busy trying to tell some guy that she wasn't going to give him her number.

As much as I wanted to dance with Emily all night, I knew I had to sit down and have some water if I didn't want to let the weakness wash over me.

"Em... I need a break..." I told her. "Please, keep dancing. I'm just going to sit down over there and get a drink."

Emily looked concerned.

"Are you sure? I can totally sit down with you!"

"I'm sure. No worries, I'm going to help Sydney get rid of the weird douche over there, I'm sure she'll be thankful." I explained with a wink.

"Hmm.. okay." Emily finally agreed, placing a quick kiss on my lips. "But tell me if you want to leave, we can leave whenever you want to or need to."

"I'm good." I promised, smiling.

I walked over to Sydney, placing a hand on her hip as I looked at the grinning guy in front of us.

"Sorry man, she's here with me and it's time for you to leave."

The guy was trying to protest but I hushed him, putting my finger on his lips.

"Nuh-uh. Don't try to argue Potato-Face and don't even think about asking if you can join us."

Sydney laughed when the man disappeared with a disappointed look on his face.

"Thank you!" She exclaimed relieved.

"You're welcome." I grinned, sitting down on the bar stool next to her.

I could feel Sydneys eyes on me, could see her smile from the corner of my eye.

"You having a good time?" She asked me.

"Totally. It's the best night ever."

"I agree." She said. "I'm glad you're enjoying it. And so glad you let me come with you."

I took a sip from the cold water, my eyes fixed on the dance floor. On Emily. It was always a pleasure to watch her, even from a distance. And it was surprising how much I enjoyed being here with Sydney. It was weird, but it felt as if I could trust her. I had always trusted Sydney, even if we had almost ripped each other's hair out during some fights in our teenage years.

I found myself overwhelmed with the sudden need to talk. With the sudden need to tell her everything. With the wish to get so many things off of my chest.

I felt my body getting hotter. I was nervous.

The music was loud, it was cheerful, but it felt as if time had stopped for a moment. As if things around me were happening in slow motion and as if it were only Sydney and I in the room. My heart was pounding in my chest.

"Sydney?" I started, swallowing hard.

"Paige?" She replied, her features more serious. As if she had noticed the switch in my mood right away.

"I think I need to tell you something..." I continued. "I think you should know what this trip is about."

Sydney looked down at her drink, staring at the bubbling liquid. I could see her take a deep breath.

"I know what it's about, Paige..." She brought out slowly, taking a huge sip.

I was gripping my glass a little harder. Seriously? Emily had told her?

"But..." I stopped, clearing my throat. "You.. you didn't say anything. You didn't act like you knew... you..."

Sydney turned around in her chair, facing me. Her eyes looked sad all of a sudden and keeping her gaze felt like a challenge.

"Would you have wanted to talk about it?" She asked. "We had an amazing night, Paige. It was the best night I've had in a very long time. And it wasn't about anyone being sick it wasn't about fulfilling any wishes on some list you and Emily made. It was just about the three of us. Just about three old friends having the time of their lives."

I felt my cheeks turn hot. I wanted to cry.

"You're still the same Paige I knew and loved back in high school. Nothing has changed and nothing is going to change that. And if you want to talk about it then I'm here... then I'll be here."

I bit the inside of my cheek hard in order not to lose it in the middle of this club. I tried to focus on the dance floor again, searching Emily in the crowd who was still smiling, still enjoying her night, still lost in the sound of music.

I didn't dare look at Sydney again and I could see that Sydney was doing the same, facing the dancing people.

I closed my eyes for a second, my fingernails digging into my flesh as I was making a fist, my hands shaking.

"Will you..." I swallowed. "...will you look after her when I'm gone?"

We both kept looking at the dancing queen in front of us. At her careless smile. The happiness on her features.

"Of course I will."

I didn't need to look at Sydney to know that she was crying.

"I promise you I'll be there for her. She won't be alone. I promise, Paige."

I thought my heart might be about to explode.

"Thank you" I whispered.

I knew Emily was going to be okay. I could feel it.


	23. Chapter 23

All three of us were tired when we finally made it to our hotel.

"Here we are." Sydney said, pointing at the huge building. And it wasn't hard to recognize, considering we were looking at a big Eiffel Tower.

Sure, it wasn't as big as the real one, but it came pretty close.

"It looks amazing." I admitted, looking over to Emily who was already holding the Polaroid.

"Will you take a picture of us?" Emily asked Sydney, not waiting for a reply as she pressed the camera against our friend's chest.

"Of course." Sydney said smiling.

Emily looked at me, taking my hand as she led me to the tower.

"I'm sorry it's not really Paris." She whispered.

"Em, it's better than that. It's perfect."

Emily smiled, relieved.

"Okay you two." Sydney announced. "Smile for the camera or wait, no. Kiss for the camera!" She winked.

I took in the sight of my girlfriend in those beautiful surroundings, then looked over to Sydney who was waiting to snap the picture.

Another point on the list.

Another step closer to finishing the list.

Life could be beautiful. Yeah. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to leave.  
Sometimes it was worth it to leave my bed. I was glad I had people in my life to remind me of that.

"Come on, kiss me!" Emily smiled and I didn't need any more encouragement than that.

 _"I promise you I'll be there for her. She won't be alone. I promise, Paige."_

I wrapped my arms around my girlfriend, closing my eyes as Emily's lips met mine.

I kissed Emily with everything I had, willing to enjoy every kiss, willing to appreciate every waking minute with her.

And I didn't stop. I kissed her until I felt Sydney tapping my shoulder, rolling my eyes.

"You can stop now, I have the picture. In fact I already had it five minutes ago."

I didn't reply, I just turned around to wrap my arms around Sydney.

We stood there for a moment, hugging, until I felt another pair of arms around us.

"I really like Paris." Emily mumbled and I smiled as I heard Sydney whisper next to me. "Me too."

N°6: Paint my front door red – Check.

N°7: Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne – Check.

N°8: Have a girls night out (with a friend from high school) – Check.

N°9: Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower – Check.

* * *

It was the 24th of December and I woke up with a smile on my face. I loved Christmas. And I loved Christmas with Paige. The year before I had spent the holidays with my mom, still heartbroken of course. The circumstances this year weren't perfect either and part of me was aware of the fact that this might be the last Christmas Paige and I would spend together, still I wouldn't let that ruin my Christmas mood. I was going to make sure that she had a great time, enjoying the Christmas spirit to its fullest.

I placed a quick kiss on Paige's forehead before jumping out of bed and getting ready. I was waiting for one particular delivery : our Christmas tree.

While I was waiting I started preparing breakfast and texted with Sydney. She had gone back to New Orleans about a week ago but had promised to come visit as often as possible. The three of us had spent a few more days together after our trip to Vegas.

I was listening to some cheerful Christmas music when the doorbell finally rang.

The packet was huge and rather heavy and I had trouble carrying the thing upstairs. When I finally managed to free the tree from its cardboard and Styrofoam, I looked at the pink branches with a satisfied smile on my face.

"I see we have a tree." Paige said as she came into the living room, wiping some last bits of sleep out of her tired eyes.

"It looks awesome, Paige!" I chirped happily, jumping on my feet to walk over to Paige and place a good morning kiss on my girlfriend's lips.

"Want to help me decorate it?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Paige replied, grinning, before quickly searching for the box with tree decorations.

We put the tree in the middle of the living room and started wrapping different light chains and garlands around the branches. Already now the tree looked chaotic, considering that most colors looked rather crazy if you combined them with pink, but we didn't care. It was our tree, and to us it looked more than charming.

I was wearing a reindeer sweater and had to smile at the fact that Paige had put on a pullover with red and white stripes. My girlfriend had never been a big fan of Christmas outfits but this year I didn't even have to ask for it.

When 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' started playing on the stereo, Paige started singing along and I felt my insides turn warmer. It had been so long since I had last heard her sing and I had missed the sound of her beautiful voice.

"Don't stop singing." I said. "It's beautiful."

"Err... thanks." Paige mumbled and I quickly joined the chorus to avoid any potential awkwardness.

"Can we put the Christmas duck on top?" I asked grinning and Paige nodded.

"Of course."

When the box was empty, we stared at the result in all its shining glory. Pink, purple, blue, yellow, red, a real rainbow tree. I loved it.

"Should we put the presents underneath?" Paige asked and I bit my lower lip.

"Um... actually... I can't."

"Oh, I see, you didn't get me anything." Paige replied teasingly, holding back a grin.

"Of course I did!" I pouted. "But I can't put it there. Not yet."

"Fair enough" Paige said, shrugging. "Mine isn't exactly shaped like a real gift either."

With that she disappeared in the bedroom, quickly returning with an envelope wrapped in a huge red bow. She put it under the tree anyway and stepped next to me, taking my hand in her own.

"We're going to have a great holiday." Paige said.

I felt nervous as we were standing in front of the Fields house, waiting for my mother to open the door.

My father was, as was so often the case, in Afghanistan, also fighting a battle. I hated it when he was gone over the holidays. Thankfully the first few snowflakes had started falling earlier that day, so at least I was happy about the possibility that I might be able to build a snow woman with Paige later that night.

When the door finally swung open, Paige tried her best not to tear up. She loved Pam Fields almost as much as she loved me. The woman had always treated her as if she were part of the family and she had spent countless nights at our place when we were younger. She hadn't seen the woman in over a year, yet my mom was looking at her with so much warmth in her eyes, I felt relieved.

"Paige... god, it's so good to see you. C'mere!" My mother exclaimed, happily wrapping her arms around my girlfriend.

"It's good to see you too." Paige smiled, enjoying the hug while it lasted.

"Oh lord, you're making an old woman cry. Let me just say I was so mad at you for breaking up with my daughter because it meant I didn't get to see you anymore." She blathered, still squeezing Paige a little harder than necessary. "I made your favorite casserole. You still like my casserole, don't you? I left out the garlic, so you and Emily can still kiss and - "

"Thank you!" I interrupted my mother before she could take the explanation any further. "I've been craving that casserole for months, Pam."

"Perfect" My mother replied, ruffling Paige's hair. "Love the new style. Let's go inside. Hi sweetheart!"

"Hi mom." I answered smiling, giving her a peck on her cheek.

The room already smelled like food and Bing Crosby's voice was filling the air with some classic Christmas tunes. The table was set, candles were lit, presents were wrapped. Just as in good old times.

Pam was filling each of our glasses with a bit of red wine before disappearing in the kitchen to get the food out of the oven.

I smiled at Paige, taking a sip of my drink as I heard the first few words of 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' playing on the stereo. By far my favorite song.

* * *

I wished I had appreciated these holidays a little more when I still had the chance. I wished I had made the past years more magical for the both of us.

Now I was running out of time.

I swallowed.

What did I do last year?

I had been lying on my couch, watching Mission Impossible without really paying attention to it. There had been no decorations; there had been no food. I had been bitter.

At some point in the late evening my phone had rung, my mother's name showing up on the display. Christmas and my birthday had been the only days she had tried to call me since our big fight, but I had never had the strength to pick up. Especially not after getting the diagnosis. The topic had been done for me, once and for all, but now things were different.

I had come back to life, had given myself another chance at happiness.

And I was looking at Emily's mother, watching her hug her daughter, watching them giggle and as much as I loved both of them, I missed my own family.

"Sweetheart, what's on your mind?" Pam asked when she realized that I hadn't touched the casserole.

"Nothing." I said, picking with my fork at the food. "It's just that I'm truly happy to be here, but..."

"You're missing your mom." She finished for me as if it was the most obvious conclusion on earth.

"Yes. I mean, no, you've been like a mother to me, Pam..." I explained, "I just, I'm wondering if it's too late for me to make things right."

Emily was squeezing my leg under the table while Pam was shaking her head, smiling.

"Paige... let me tell you this from a mother's perspective..." She put her own fork down and looked me straight in the eye. "There is no point in time a mother stops loving her own daughter. If I were in your mother's position, the whole situation would be killing me. I know you both have said things that you regret and that were hurtful, but I know for sure that she thinks of you every day, hoping you will show up on her doorstep or give her a call."

My gaze dropped as I shook my head, sighing.

"I don't know. I've hurt her and how much is it going to hurt her to hear that..."

I couldn't finish the sentence, the big lump in my throat making it hard to swallow.

Emily was still stroking my thigh. I grabbed her hand under the table, needing the touch for comfort.

"It's going to be rough for her, no doubt about that." Pam started again, pouring some more wine into everyone's glass. "But Paige, she will find out, sooner or later. And in this case, sooner is definitely better than later. Look at me, Sweetie."

I swallowed hard, meeting Pam's eyes again which were as teary as my own.

"Give her another chance. I'm not saying do it right now, I'm not even saying you should do it tomorrow or this week, but at least consider it. Give her a chance to make things right, to be a good mom to you for at least a little while longer. To hug you and comfort you. That's what moms are for, you know? We put our babies into this world for a reason, we want them to be all right. And even if we don't always agree with the choices they make or the things that they do, even if they drive us crazy sometimes, we want nothing more in the world than to be there for them and to know that we've done everything in our power to make them happy."

I blushed when I realized a tear was rolling down my cheek.

"It's just that in the past weeks things have become so different. I... I think I've changed. Emily changed me." I looked at my girlfriend, smiling shyly. "Yeah, you did." I whispered.

"I mean, I've accepted my disease. I've accepted what's going to happen but somehow I can't accept the thought of leaving this place without having sorted out things with my family first."

"Paige that's good, but don't do it with the cancer in the back of your head don't let that be your only motivation." Pam said slowly. "Do it because of your family and because you miss them. It's still your life, Sweetie, it's not just a big to-do list of things that need to be handled do it because it's what you feel is right for you, and do it when you're ready. Don't pressure yourself. And we're both here for you, you know that."

Yeah, I knew where my girlfriend got her big heart from.


	24. Chapter 24

I was staring at the Christmas tree in front of us, leaning over to kiss Emily's cheek. I had to smile, glad to be cuddling up on the couch and ending Christmas Eve with just the two of us.

The way home had been nice. It had snowed a little more, and even if it wasn't enough to build a snow woman, it had still been enough to cover the streets in a pretty sparkling white that looked amazing with all those beautiful Christmas decorations in the neighborhood. And enough to put a smile on my girlfriend's face.

I was reflecting on the evening and our time with Pam, it was so weird to think that my time was limited. That I won't be having a Christmas dinner at the table in the Fields dining room five or six years from now, maybe not even next year. That they would be living their lives without me. That I'd be nothing more than a memory.

Pam would be a great grandmother, I was sure of that. I would love to see the woman take care of my own child, spoil him or her with silly presents and teach the little Fields-McCullers some of her wise views on life and love. It hurt like hell to think about it, but I truly hoped Emily was going to have children one day, simply because the kid would be more than lucky to grow up around the two most lovable and kind-hearted women I knew.

And maybe they would tell the kid about me. That there was once this girl named Paige McCullers and that she could be a pain in the ass, but that they missed her. And that she would have loved to get to know him or her. Maybe they'd tell the little one some funny stories from when Em and I had been young and maybe I'd still be a part of their lives, even if it was only sometimes, over dinner or during board game night.

I squeezed Emily's hand a little harder.

Part of me hoped that being dead really meant simple darkness. That I'd just be gone. Because I'd miss Emily too fucking much. Too much for words.

I let my mind drift back to earlier in the evening.

Emily's mother was no fan of sadness or a bad mood. And it was truly hard to stay sad around her.

I ran my fingertips up and down Emily's arm before softly nudging her shoulder.

Emily started giggling. "Okay." She looked at her watch. "It's almost midnight, so we might as well start now."

"Start with what?" I asked before realizing it was almost officially time for our gifts.

"I want to give you your present!" Emily stated and I laughed.

"Okay then, I must say I'm a little curious..."

"Give me a sec!" Emily chirped and ran out of the room.

I waited patiently, then my eyes widened when I saw Emily coming into the room, carrying a medium-sized basket with a big bow. I could see that Emily was careful not to drop it, walking over to the couch on tiptoes.

"Merry Christmas, Paige." She whispered, putting the basket down between us.

I looked inside and frowned before realizing what I was looking at.

"He's asleep..." Emily added, smiling, and I felt my heart beat a little faster.

It was a tiny kitten, snoozing peacefully, wrapped in a fluffy red blanket. Its fur was light brown with some dark brown stripes, it looked almost like ...

"I thought we could name him 'Tiger'!"

I grinned. Yeah. A tiger.

"A real tiger was really hard to get." Emily pouted. "I called a few zoos but all they offered me was a sponsorship for one of their old Asian tigers or their polar bears."

"I love him, Em." I whispered, swallowing. "He's so small..."

"He's only a few weeks old." Emily said smiling. "He's going to be our baby."

I nodded. "Thank you so much, Em. Really."

"You're welcome, and I'm so happy you like it. Actually I've got the whole trunk full of equipment. Food, toys, a cat tree..."

"He's going to have a good life here." I told her with a wink. "...but now... I still have something for you."

I got up to grab the envelope that was still lying under the tree, my hand shaking slightly as I handed it over to Emily.

"Please tell me if you hate it. Really, be honest, it's okay if you don't want to, I mean -"

"Paige!" Emily interrupted. "I haven't even opened it yet."

"Right. Sorry."

Emily carefully unwrapped the bow and extracted a little piece of paper from the envelope, slowly unfolding it. She read what was written on it and I could see the emotions change on her features.

"Paige, that's... it's..."

"A coupon for a tattoo, yes." I finished for her. "And I understand if you don't want to do it, I mean, you never said that you wanted a tattoo. I just thought it... it would connect us."

I had spent a long time thinking about what I wanted my tattoo to look like. I knew it was about time that I started taking a point on the list into my own hands. Designing my own tattoo was the obvious choice.

But l didn't want anything too simple. I didn't want something tribal or some ugly tramp stamp. I wanted it to mean something. And there was nothing in the world that meant more to me than Emily.

I had thought about getting Emily's name tattooed on my chest, but then decided that it was silly and not very creative. A portrait? No. Definitely not, they usually turned out super creepy.

Then, one afternoon while we had been out running errands, a new thought had hit me. I didn't want a tattoo on my chest or on my arm. I wanted it to be on my pinky finger. And I wanted the other part to be on Emily's.

I had taken a piece of paper and tried out a few phrases, a few different designs, but then decided to go for the most personal thing I could think of. My own handwriting on Emily's finger, and Emily's handwriting on mine.

"What do you want the tattoo to say?" Emily asked, searching my eyes.

I cleared my throat, my cheeks turning hot.

"I thought about... 'Love forever ... unbroken by distance'." I cleared my throat again. "Do you.. um... do you like it? Please, be honest."

"It's perfect, Paige" She whispered. "I'd be honored."

I felt as if a heavy weight had just fallen off my chest and I laughed, quickly wiping away some tears with the back of my sleeve.

"It's the most beautiful Christmas gift you've ever given me..." She added before wrapping her arms around me.

"I love you," I told her and Emily placed a kiss on my shoulder, mumbling "I love you too."

I carefully put the basket with the sleeping Tiger on the floor before looking at Emily again. She was so beautiful and somehow I felt silly for having been so distant in the past weeks. I could see it in her eyes, could see that the woman in front of me loved me more than anything in this world and I didn't know why I had been so insecure all this time.

Not once Emily had acted weird around me or made me feel uncomfortable, in fact she had done everything in her power to be there for me and make me smile every single day.

I didn't know what to say, how to express what I felt in this moment, so I just leaned over to kiss her once more, closing my eyes to enjoy the feeling of my girlfriend's lips against my own.

Emily's lips parted right away and I deepened the kiss, sighing softly.

My hand was lying on her thigh, slowly caressing it as I let my fingertips run up and down her leg. I could feel my heart beating faster in my chest, nervous about what was going to happen. All I knew was that I wanted to be close to her, wanted to touch her, wanted to feel Em's skin against my own. I wasn't sure when the last time was that I had felt it so strongly, the need to be with her. The need to be one.

"I want to make love to you." I whispered against her lips, cupping her cheek with my hand as I let my thumb slowly run along her chin.

Emily pulled away for a second, her eyes searching for some kind of final confirmation.

I nodded, smiling shyly, and Emily smiled back at me before grabbing the hem of her own shirt and pulling it over her head in one fluid movement.

I bit my lower lip at the sight in front of me. My girlfriend in jeans and a purple bra, looking at me with flushed cheeks and pouty lips, chest heaving slightly.

I quickly got rid of my own shirt before moving closer and placing soft kisses along Emily's cleavage. I took her hands in mine, entangling our fingers, as I let my tongue run along my collarbone, appreciating every inch of soft olive skin.

I pushed one purple strap off Emily's shoulder, caressing the exposed skin with my lips, before slowly reaching around my girlfriend's body to unclasp her bra.

The living room felt hot but all I could think was that I felt alive. Truly alive for the first time in months.

Emily moaned softly when my mouth closed around one of her nipples, nibbling and sucking.

It felt as if nothing had changed. The way our bodies moved together so easily had always amazed me and I knew I could let go. Completely.

Emily was stroking my hair, smiling, as she herself opened my bra and pushed me softly against the sofa.

"You're so beautiful..." She whispered. "I love you so much."

If thought my heart had been beating fast before, it was nothing compared to the hammering in my chest as I noticed Emily fumbling with the fly of my pants. I could feel my fingertips against her belly and the excitement was driving me crazy.

"I've missed this..." I breathed out. "I hadn't realized how much I truly missed this."

Emily smiled as she slowly opened the zipper, kissing her way down to my belly button and slowly pulling the jeans down my legs.

She kissed her way up again, caressing the inside of my thighs in the process, before quickly removing her own pants and underwear.

Her hair was falling into her face as she carefully moved on top of me, kissing me and parting my legs with her own thigh.

Our kisses had become more passionate and I couldn't wait to feel her finally. I took her hand and slowly led it down between my legs, not once breaking my gaze.

Emily didn't need more encouragement than that, one of her fingers slowly disappearing into my panties.

"Ohh.." I sighed, pressing my eyes shut at the feeling of her fingertip against my clit.

It felt as if my whole body was on fire, all senses on overload. How long had it been? Too fucking long.

I kissed her hungrily, bucking my hips, wishing she'd go a little faster, wishing she'd fill me up completely. Already now my fingernails were digging into Emily's back and we had just started.

I figured Emily could sense how impatient I was as she finally pushed a finger inside, slowly, going deeper inch by inch. I held her close, pressed my body against hers.

If Emily was holding back because she thought it might be too much for me, then I had to prove her wrong. I didn't feel tired or exhausted; part of me felt like my old self again. Like the Paige I had wanted to be but who had disappeared somewhere into a dark and bitter hole. But not now. Not tonight.

Emily smiled before adding another finger and pushing it all the way in, a little faster, a little harder than before.

"Ohh.. yes. Yes. Like that."

I soon started panting, eyes closed again, as I focused on the amazing feeling of being close to my girlfriend. I wanted this moment to last forever.

I pushed her own leg up, slowly rubbing it against Emily's wet center as my eyes fluttered open again. I wanted to see her. Wanted to see the look on her face as she moaned, the passionate sparkle in her pretty brown eyes as she rubbed herself against me.

And Emily did just that, finding her own rhythm as she started riding my leg, her fingers still trying to bring me closer to the edge.

Emily knew my body so well, even after all this time. She knew exactly how to satisfy me, knew exactly what I loved, what would make my eyes roll back into my head.

"You're so hot. Fuck, I love you. I've missed you. Love you so much" She panted against my neck, her breath hot against her skin.

Her thumb was on my clit, her hips moving faster, her moans shorter.

I realized I had almost forgotten that this was the best part of having sex with Emily, watching her getting close, watching her come undone. And the fact that I was the one who brought her there, that I was the cause of that pleasure, it never ceased to amaze me.

"I'm so close... I'm gonna... I..."

"Me too, Em..." I whispered, pulling her in for another kiss. I pressed my lips on hers as hard as I could, muffling a deep groan as my own orgasm washed over me. Oh fuck. Why hadn't we done this sooner? Why?

Emily just lay on top of me for several minutes, trying to catch her breath, and I enjoyed the feeling of the sweat slowly cooling my skin.

Why couldn't I just stop time? Why couldn't I just stay with her like this, forever, my arms wrapped around Emily's exhausted body, softly stroking her back, kissing her forehead, listening to her breathing?

Emily raised her head to look at me, smiling, her eyes a little tired. She kissed my nose.

"That was amazing. So good. If I weren't so tired I'd totally want to do it again."

I laughed, kissing her once more.

"I promise we'll do it again tomorrow morning. And tomorrow afternoon. And tomorrow night. And the day after tomorrow."

"I like the sound of that!" Emily stated, smiling brightly.

"But oh my god, now I'm so hungry, do you mind if I warm up some of the leftovers in the microwave? Do you want some?"

"Let me fix it for you!" I suggested, getting up to walk over to the kitchen. I didn't even think about putting on clothes anymore.

Emily smiled as her eyes ended up on our book. She quickly opened it, grabbing a pen to cross out some more points on the list.

The loud 'ping' of the microwave indicated that the food was done and I carried it back into the living room, sitting down next to my girlfriend who was staring at the list, obviously lost in thought.

"What's on your mind?" I asked, wondering what was putting the frown on Emily's pretty forehead.

"I want to ask you something." Emily started slowly, taking the plate from me and stuffing some of the casserole into her mouth. "Thanks, by the way."

"You're welcome. So... what's up?"

"The last point on the list, Paige. I... I honestly don't believe you when you say you don't remember what you wanted to say there..."

"Em..." I sighed. "Really, it's... it's nothing. Can't we just forget about it? We have enough points left that we can worry about."

Emily shook her head, putting the plate on the table as she came closer to me, letting her head rest against my shoulder.

"Honestly,... if you don't want to tell me... then... can I add something to the list myself? I mean... it's Christmas after all... Can I make a wish?"

I frowned, looking at her curiously. Yeah, Emily had managed to grant me so many wishes already, the least I could do was try to grant her one as well but what did she want?

She nodded slowly.

"Yeah. Sure. I mean yeah. Add whatever you'd like."

Emily sat up, looking me straight in the eye as she took the red pen, the list on her lap.

Something told me that this was serious and I could feel myself getting nervous.


	25. Chapter 25

Emily's pen touched the paper where the 'B' was still written in my handwriting and I swallowed as she finished the point.

Then she looked up at me, brown eyes searching my own, expectantly, completely vulnerable.

'Be my wife' was written on the list and my heart skipped a beat.

"What do you say?" Emily whispered, her voice shaky.

I didn't know how much time had passed until I found my voice again. I didn't know if I should tell her that this was exactly what I had wanted to write. 'Be Married.' I didn't know anything anymore.

"Paige?" Emily tried again when there was no response, nervously biting her lower lip.

"Em, I don't know what to say."

"Say what's on your mind." Emily told me, crossing her arms in front of her still naked chest. "Do you want to marry me? Or would you rather not?"

"Em of course I want to marry you." I stuttered, my cheeks burning. "But... I ... I can't expect this from you, I mean, it's too much, we won't have much time, we-"

"Paige." Emily interrupted, her voice firm. "I love you. You're the love of my life."

She was looking into my eyes with pure honesty, the lights of the Christmas candles reflecting in her shining eyes.

"I've loved you my whole life and even when we were still young, I knew I wanted to marry you. It probably sounds stupid, but it's true."

I swallowed.

"I want you to be my wife. I want to be your wife. We don't know how much time we still have, but nobody knows that. No one who gets married knows how much time they're going to have. One person could suddenly become sick, could get in an unexpected accident, they might get divorced. All I know is that I love you with everything I have and when I look back at my life, I want to be able to say 'I married the woman of my dreams'. It's not about time, Paige . It's about love. And I have a lot of that to offer."

My eyes were teary, yet I had to laugh.

"Why are you so much smarter than me?" I asked her, quickly brushing away a tear.

Her smile brightened. "Is that a yes?"

"Yeah... yeah it's a yes, Em. It's a yes."

Emily dropped her pen and the list, wrapping her arms around me, breathing into my neck. "Thank you. I promise I'll be a good wife, I promise."

I was holding her close, pressing my body against hers while placing kisses all over her face and neck.

"But I don't have a ring. I'm sorry, I ... it was so spontaneous now but I will get you a ring, Paige. A big one. A shiny one with diamonds and everything."

"Shh.." I whispered, squeezing her hands. "I don't need a ring. Not now. Just kiss me."

N°10 - Get a pink Christmas tree - Check

N°11 - Own a tiger - Check

N°12 - Design my own tattoo - Check

* * *

 **2 months later**

"Could you maybe move your leg a little more over... yeah... like that..."

"Ouch. Ouch my hair..."

"Sorry..."

I giggled.

"This is more difficult than it looks." Paige growled, trying to spread her legs further without falling out of the hammock. I was lying on top of her, kissing her neck as my left hand was searching for anything I could hold on to while my right hand kept pleasuring my girlfriend.

"If only it didn't swing so much." I murmured. "Maybe if we move a little less..."

"Your fingers are inside me babe, how little do you expect me to move, huh?"

I had to grin. "Good point!" I admitted, kissing her nose before focusing on building up a steady rhythm again.

It was cold at the Indian Lake Beach but we both knew what to expect when we had decided to spend the night by the water. In february.

The fact that we had a thick blanket wrapped around us probably made the whole hammock experience even more difficult, yet I couldn't help but love it. I loved the wind in my hair, loved the sound of the small waves, loved being here with Paige. Oh, and Tiger of course, who was asleep in his box.

The hammock was tiny and didn't look very stable, but at least there were palm trees. And did it really matter? The night had already been lovely in its own way.

"Mmmh... don't stop, Em..." Paige moaned, digging her nails a little deeper into my skin and the hammock started rocking harder with each and every one of my thrusts.

"Yeah... shit... deeper..."

I smirked, moving faster, deeper, harder as Paige was fisting my hair, pressing her mouth on mine to muffle her moans.

"So... so close..." Paige whispered, closing her eyes as I watched the intense pleasure reflecting on her features.

"Yes... oh fuck, Em..."

"Oh fuck, Paige...!" I exclaimed as I saw the cord that was fixing the hammock to the tree rip in slow motion. Only a second later we landed in the sand with a loud thud - first Paige, then myself and the blanket on top of me.

I looked worried, huge brown eyes searching Paige's as she was wiping some dark brown hair out of her slightly sweaty forehead.

"Shit, Paige, are you okay?"

"We broke the hammock, Em."

Silence.

"We're awesome like that." Paige added, nodding slowly, before a big grin brightened up her features.

Soon we both had to giggle uncontrollably and I wrapped us both up in the blanket so we just lay there in the sand, staring at the sky. There were a few clouds blocking the view at the stars.

"Turn on the radio, M&M..."

"He's so adorable..." Paige stated with a smile on her lips as Tiger came for a cuddle.

"...and he loves you." I added with a wink, still searching for a channel on the old radio we had brought.

"Oh, it's the news, turn up the volume!"

We were both waiting for the football results as there wasn't much time left until this year's Super Bowl. But then, when the anchor finally announced the finalists, the smile was quickly wiped off both of their faces.

"They lost" Paige stated disappointed. "The Jets lost."

My gaze dropped and I sighed, picking up some sand to let it run through my fingertips.

"I guess we can forget that point on the list..." Paige went on, but I quickly shook my head.

"What? No!" I insisted, "then they're going to win next year!"

There was no way that the Jets would screw with their bucket list. Nope. I wouldn't accept this.

"Honey..." Paige whispered, nuzzling her head against my shoulder, puckering soft kisses along my skin. "...I'm not going to be around for the next Super Bowl."

Right. Thanks a lot for the reminder.

Sometimes it made me angry to hear Paige say it. To hear her say the things I already knew but that I refused to accept or even believe. It made me want to push her away and hug her at the same time. It made me want to shake her, it made the little girl inside of me scream and shout but I had to get used to it. I had to swallow down these feelings. Had to learn that there was a difference between hope and living in denial.

Sometimes the whole bucket list thing just felt like a big funny adventure. Like two people in love doing silly things together to pass the time. Sometimes I truly forgot what it was really about.

Would I be sitting at the beach all by myself a year from now? Would it be just me and our cat?

And a year... what was a year? A year was nothing. That year without Paige had felt long and tiring, but the five months we had been together again, they had felt like five weeks, not more.

I could feel my own hands starting to shake, quickly trying to distract my mind from all this.

"I talked to Sydney she wants to come over next weekend to help us with the wedding invitations and first preparations, we could watch the Super Bowl together anyway, if you want..." I suggested, pressing my eyes shut to regain some strength.

"Yes. Sure. I'd like that." Paige agreed smiling, squeezing my hand before bringing it up to her lips to kiss it.

"And Em?"

"Hm?"

"Baby... please don't stress yourself, okay? I know that there are certain things that we won't be able to do anymore."

There it was again. That terrible feeling I had pushed down more or less successfully. The hot uncomfortable shock wave.

"And I don't mind, Emily. It's been great so far, completely awesome and magical, and you know not all wishes can come true. And they don't have to."

"But..."

"No, honey. I'm good as long as I have you and Sydney and Tiger. I don't need to see Machu Picchu, okay? Really."

I swallowed hard, pulling the blanket up to my chin as I focused on staying calm.

"Okay..." I whispered, nodding. Defeated. Powerless.

'It's not okay' I thought to myself, mentally shaking my head. 'It will never be okay.'


	26. Chapter 26

A week had passed and I was more than excited to see Sydney and to spend the day with her.

Emily was sitting in front of me, smiling while I could feel the fresh blood making me stronger and a little more alive every minute.

"What do you want to eat tonight?" Emily asked, her eyes glowing. "I think we need some typical Super Bowl food, what do you say?"

I had to grin.

"Whatever floats your boat, baby."

"Yeah burgers!" Emily exclaimed. "Burgers and fries of course. And lots of coke. And Snickers. Peanut butter sandwiches and M&Ms!"

"That sounds very healthy." I told her, chuckling.

"Absolutely!"

"So when does Sydney arrive? Did she tell you?" I wanted to know, sighing as I looked at the blood bag that was connected to my arm, growing a little impatient.

"Actually she already arrived. She'll be there when we get out of here." Emily admitted smiling. "I told Mrs. Davis to let her in so she will have already showered and stuff. I guess Syd's happy that she can stay with us and doesn't have to stay at her mom's all the time."

When Gabriela arrived, she smiled at us as she checked on the transfusion.

"Okay, looks like you're done here!" She said friendly, carefully removing the tube from the crook of my arm. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Great actually, thanks." I replied.

"Any more plans for tonight?" Gabriela wanted to know, putting a little cotton ball on the slightly bleeding spot.

"We're going to watch the Super Bowl and..."

"...make some important preparations!" Emily finished for me, grinning proudly.

I blushed as I noticed the curious look on Gabriela's face, biting my lower lip.

"Yeah, about that..." I started, clearing my throat. "Not many people know about it yet, but Em and I are going to get married. You'll get a proper invitation soon."

Gabriela's eyes widened at my words, then a big smile brightened up her features.

"Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "That's the best news I have heard all day. I am so happy for you two!"

The small doctor wrapped her arms around me, holding me close, before turning around to repeat the act with Emily.

"I'm so excited, it's going to be great!"

For a second I had been worried that Gabriela would give us a warning and a 'but be careful that it doesn't get too much for you in your condition'- look, but the way she smiled at me was more than reassuring that marrying Emily was the right thing to do.

"Already set a date?"

"March 28th." I told her. "We wanted a spring wedding and it gives us enough time to plan everything. We're currently looking for the right location."

"I'm sure whatever place you choose is going to be perfect." She assured us and I nodded, taking Emily's hand into my own, squeezing it.

On the way home I pictured all kinds of wedding scenarios in her head, imagined Emily trying on an amazing wedding dresses and thought of all kinds of fancy hotel rooms where we would spend our honeymoon and never leave the bed. I hoped I would feel as strong then as I felt right now. I hoped  
my body would allow me to be a good wife for a long time.

Mrs. Davis was busy cleaning the driveway with her big broom when we arrived at home, looking at us with her typical grim expression.

"You have a visitor." She murmured barely audible, not looking up from the pile of leaves in front of her feet.

"Thanks!" Emily chirped happily, getting the big box of groceries out of the trunk. "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl tonight, Mrs. Davis?"

The elderly woman raised an eyebrow, then focused on her broom again.

"Well, if you do, you should totally come over sometime for a snack."

"Geez, Em, why are you always so nice to the old witch?" I whispered when we walked up to our flat, fumbling for my keys.

"I don't know, Paige. I think she's lonely and I kinda like her. I think we should invite her to our wedding."

"And I think you're insane." I replied dryly. "But I still love you."

Emily smiled and kissed my cheek as she turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open followed by a loud "Holy fuck, Syd, what is this?"

Sydney had obviously done a lot more than taking a shower while we were gone as the whole apartment was decorated with green New York Jets flags and garlands. Basically everything was green, including the sofa which was wrapped up in green sheets. It looked a little like a private St. Patrick's day party.

"Welcome home, Paige." Sydney said grinning. "Like it?"

"I do, but you're aware that we're going to watch Pittsburgh versus New Orleans tonight, right?" I asked.

"We aren't." Emily stated shrugging before wrapping her arms around Sydney to greet her. "It looks awesome, Syd!"

"Okay, what have you two planned behind my back again?" I wanted to know. "And why do you never include me in your crazy ideas beforehand?"

"Well, isn't it a lot more fun this way?" Sydney asked laughing, getting an old tape out of her bag before throwing it over to me.

'Super Bowl 1969 - New York Jets vs. Baltimore Colts' was written on it and I had to smirk.

"EBay." Sydney added, shrugging, before taking the box from Emily and carrying it into the kitchen.

Emily cleared her throat. "You wanted to see the Jets win the Super Bowl, you didn't say which Super Bowl it had to be."

I shook my head, laughing. " Emily Fields, you truly are the master of all bucket lists. I'm fucking impressed!"

Emily smiled proudly before clapping her hands in excitement. "Wait until you see our outfits!"

"We thought it was time to relive the Sharks swimming spirit for one more evening." Sydney added with a wink. She pointed her head in the direction of a big plastic bag on a chair at the dining room table. "Open it!"

"Oh my god." I gasped, taking one of the items out of the bag. Old Rosewood High athlete uniforms.

"This is..."

"Genius? Silly?" Emily asked slowly.

"Definitely genius and it will definitely look absolutely hot on you."

Sydney chuckled. "Maybe I should sleep at my mom's place tonight so you two can appreciate those a little more."

"No way." I interfered. "You're staying."

She smiled.

"And thank you. Both of you."

* * *

I leaned back on the sofa, sighing contently.

"I'd say this has been a success so far!"

"Absolutely. I don't even mind the horrible video quality. It's kind of classy." Sydney smiled. "But Em, I don't mean to be a mood killer, but ..." She cleared her throat. "She looks so thin. I mean, I haven't seen her in two months, maybe it's more obvious to me than it is to you but she looks very weak."

I hugged my knees in front of my chest, pulling my legs closer to my body, trying to smile at Sydney. Of course I had noticed it too. Of course I was trying not to think too much about such obvious facts.

"She's not weak though." I started. "Her doctor says she's still remarkably strong and it's normal that she's losing weight. Her body needs a lot of energy but she can't eat that much, she easily feels sick, can't keep all the food down." Sydney nodded, understanding.

"But she's trying. She's doing the best she can to eat properly, I know that." I went on. "I know she's doing it for us. Even if she's almost never hungry and quickly loses her appetite, she barely ever complains, Syd. Sometimes I wish I could look into her head to know when she's in pain, you know? Because she doesn't talk about it. I know she doesn't want to make me worry."

We heard the bathroom door before Sydney got a chance to reply so she just gave my arm a quick squeeze, a sad smile on her lips.

"What did I miss?" Paige wanted to know and Sydney took her phone, motioning her to sit down next to them.

"I was just about to post a pic of us on Facebook" She grinned, holding the camera of her phone in front of them. "Smile!" She uploaded the photo to her Facebook wall, adding a comment.

 _'Alternative Super Bowl rocks! Our party is better than yours!'_

Only a few seconds later the picture had 27 Likes and three comments, one by Caleb Rivers.

 _'Where's the party, Can I join?'_

Sydney smirked and raised an eyebrow before showing the phone to us.

"Oh my god, Caleb." Paige said slowly, shaking her head. "Are you guys still in touch?"

"Umm..." Sydney started, chewing on her lower lip.

"Oh look, Spencer liked your status!" I interrupted the conversation, quickly clicking on her friend's profile.

"She looks happy, is she still with Toby?"

"Her relationship status is deactivated." I frowned.

"It's weird, isn't it?" Paige said slowly. "All these people we used to know so well and now we know next to nothing about them. Only what they give away on some stupid social network." She took the list with the wedding invitations from the table, the one we had started writing earlier that night. So far only a few names were written on it.

Bella my colleague from work, Gabriela, my parents, the lovely Mrs. Davis and Sydney. So far no one had dared mentioning Paige's family.

"I used to think that I wanted a very small and very private wedding." Paige whispered, lost in thought. "But sometimes I miss them, you know? Sometimes I miss the feeling they gave me. Miss having them all around hell, sometimes I miss being annoyed by them."

I looked at Sydney, we both nodded before Paige pushed the list aside.

"Let's keep watching."

* * *

After a glorious victory, we were headed to the tattoo shop where we had made an appointment a couple of days before. Of course we were still wearing the uniforms. It felt good to wear them together, just as in good old times. High school. A time that seemed so far away. So far away from all these dark thoughts. A time when I still had huge plans for the future.

Becoming successful.

Living in California.

Being loved.

Having a huge family and growing old with Emily.

Yeah. It had always been clear to me Emily would always be mine.  
My wife even. But who would have thought that 'always' could be so short? 'Always' used to sound like an eternity.

Emily would always be my girlfriend, but I won't always be hers.

But that's what this tattoo was going to be about, right? That even if my 'always' ended earlier than Emily's, the girl I loved would still carry a piece of  
me with her. Some small part of me would always be with her.

Emily looked a little scared when she first saw the big needle coming closer to her pinky finger. Sydney only laughed.

"Believe me, Em. Getting the tattoo is a lot less painful than having it removed. I know what I'm talking about." She said, pointing at the spot that used to be covered by her ex-boyfriend's face.

"Good thing I'll never have to remove this one." She whispered, looking over to me with a shy smile.

I had bitten the inside of my cheek when it had been my turn to get inked, but it hadn't hurt as much as I had expected. Maybe I had already gotten used to needles. Now I was watching the tattoo artist carefully following the letters of my own handwriting on Emily's finger, watched the words "...unbroken by distance" slowly appear on her skin, hoping that it didn't hurt her that much.

I looked over to Sydney and thought I could see a tear in her eye. Sydney had always been a hopeless romantic on the inside, even if she didn't want to admit it.

Or maybe she was also taking this whole thing a lot harder than I had expected.

Yeah. Suddenly I felt like Sydney might be going to miss me a lot. Almost as if this whole thing were breaking her heart.

For a second our eyes met, but Sydney quickly looked away, brushing the tear away with the sleeve of her overall. I knew that Sydney didn't want to ruin the mood by getting emotional, especially because it had been a rather cheerful night so far. But some part of me felt like getting up to hug her. To tell her that it was okay. That she didn't have to feel sorry for me. That she still had Emily and that Emily was the best friend anyone could wish for.

But I didn't get up.

"Um..." I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry, I know that it's late but do you think you could make me another tattoo? Just a really small one on my neck."

The woman who was completely covered in ink herself just laughed, looking at me.

"I know that it can get addicting, but wow, the addiction got you pretty fast!" She said with a wink. "What's it going to be?"

"I want a shark." I stated my voice firm.

And from the corner of my eye, I could see Sydney smile.


	27. Chapter 27

**I'm glad that you can see beneath the sadness, your support really means a lot!  
Just a quick note, only a few chapters left.  
Thank you so much!**

It wasn't until we were at home that I decided to talk about what everyone had been avoiding to mention all night.

We were lying on Paige's huge bed, flipping through different wedding magazines and encircling some dresses that we liked the most.

Sydney had made a list of things that still needed to be arranged and it had become obvious that she was enjoying her unofficial job as wedding planner.

"Can we talk about the elephant in the room?" I mumbled, my gaze dropping.

Paige sighed. "I don't know what you're talking about." She said, focusing hard on some catering brochure.

"Your parents, Paige. Your mom. Your grandma. I know that you want them there."

"Em is right." Sydney said slowly. "It's about time. It's going to be the most important day in your life. You're going to want your mom to be there, you're going to want your dad to walk you down the aisle, you're going to want your grandma's blessing."

"I will never get her blessing." Paige hissed, her voice already cracking.

I knew that it was Paige's weak spot. Knew that we were making her feel awful in this moment, but I was convinced that there was still hope. That they could make things right. That Paige needed closure. If I didn't know it in my heart, if I didn't know for sure that it was going to be all right, I would never make her go through this.

"You don't know that." I whispered, coming closer on the bed to let my chin rest on her shoulder. "I'm sure they all miss you just as much as you miss them."

"And we're here for you Paige." Sydney added nodding, a smile on her lips. "We'll hold your hand. And we'll drive over there and kick their sorry asses in the very unlikely instance that they push you away. Which is not going to happen."

Paige's eyes were teary as she looked down on her lap.

I could see my girlfriend's inner struggle, felt as if I could hear her heart beat in my own ears. But I knew, it was now or never.

"Give me the phone." Paige whispered, looking up. She looked so vulnerable, it broke my heart.

Sydney was biting her lower lip, frowning uncomfortably when Paige had finished typing in the number and brought the phone up to her ear. She had put it on speaker and we were holding our breath.

"Hello?" We could hear Paige's mother answering.

I was squeezing her hand harder, until her knuckles were turning white, showing her that I would never let go. I could feel her shake, could feel how completely tensed she was.

"Mom?" She whispered, her voice tiny and much higher than usual.

Silence.

"Paige? Is that you?"

Tears were streaming down Paige's face and I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like for her. What it must be like to tell your own mother that, I couldn't even finish the thought. All I knew was that I felt incredibly proud of her in that moment. I admired her for being so strong.

"Mom... I... I'm calling because... because there's something you need to know... something I need to tell you..."

"Paige , I've missed you. I've missed you so much."

The whole room was quiet when Paige pressed her eyes shut, squeezing  
my hand even harder.

"I've missed you too, Mom."

N°13: Have sex in a hammock between palm trees - Check.

N°14: Watch the New York Jets win the Super Bowl - Check.

* * *

I sat on a kitchen chair, my hands sweaty. Time seemed to pass so slowly and the sound of the doorbell would probably give me a heart attack.  
Of course I couldn't be sure that they'd really show up. They said they would, and I believed them, but maybe they would change their minds. Maybe I was terrified for nothing.

I told Emily to leave, told her that I needed to do this on my own. That I needed at least one honest moment with them, being prepared for the questions they hadn't dared to ask yet. Right now, however, I wished I had let her stay. Emily always calmed me down, made me feel safe. Just a small smile, it could make everything better.

When the doorbell finally made the sound I had been dreading all along, I could feel the heat in my face as I was trying to focus on my breathing.

Walking slowly towards the door, I thought about picking up the handset to ask who was there. Knowing that no words would come out of her mouth, I pressed the buzzer, my eyes closed, waiting for the sound of the door being opened downstairs in the hallway. There was no turning back now.

Not much later, I could feel their presence in the room, forcing myself to look in the direction of the door again. I was biting the inside of my cheek, digging my nails into my thigh.

First I saw my mother. Her hair was shorter. Grayer. Her eyes looked swollen. Then a second person entered the room, slowly closing the door. It wasn't my father. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw my grandmother.

"Good evening Paige".She said, not afraid to meet my eyes.

So here they were, the two people who had meant most to me during my childhood. The two people who had disappointed me more than anybody else. Those people who had been supposed to love me no matter what and who had decided that they didn't want me anymore. My mother because of a stupid fight, my grandmother because of the way I had chosen to live my life. Even after all these years, the pain still felt as real as it had always felt. The rejection. The anger.

But now there was something else. Now there was this new fear. The fear of dying. And I wasn't quite sure what role my family would play in all this.

How much longer were they going to stand there and look at me? Was this the time to offer them a drink? Maybe this had been a bad idea. Sydney and Emily shouldn't have pushed me, for fuck's sake. What would it matter? It was going to make me feel more miserable than I had already felt. I could have waited the last few months, or weeks, could have died without them. Once I'd be gone, I'd be gone. I wouldn't have cared anymore. There'd only be emptiness. Air. A black hole or whatever. After death, there was no regret. Right? At least not for me. Then suddenly, there were arms around me. An embrace that was so unexpected, it made my whole body tense.

My grandmother still used the same perfume. I had never particularly liked it. It smelled like mothballs. Yet it smelled like home. Like childhood.  
And her arms felt so much skinnier. She looked so old. Weak, even.

"Your father will come a little later." Mom explained, sitting down in front of me, letting one hand rest on my leg. "He's still in a meeting. He says he's really sorry."

We all knew that there was no meeting, that Nick McCullers just wasn't able to deal with those kinds of emotions. And it was okay. To some degree I was thankful.

I had no idea how long we had been sitting there before I finally had the nerve to speak.

"I'm getting married to a girl."

These hadn't exactly been the first words I had planned to say but it was what had come out.

"I'm getting married to a girl." I repeated, "And I can't help but feel that you wouldn't be here now if you didn't think it might be the last chance to see me. Alive, I mean."

"That's not true, Paige.", My mother said slowly, her eyes getting teary. "It's not true and I hope you know that."

"I don't, actually."

"Paige, look at me." My grandmother said.

I didn't want to look at her. Didn't want to look into the eyes of the woman who had made me doubt myself so badly. The person whose opinion had always mattered so much to me, but who had decided to stop loving me because I was a lesbian. Who had let me down in a time when I had needed her most.

"It's been six years, Paige. Six years since I have seen you the last time. Six long years that were enough time for me to think about you and our family."

Yeah, six fucking years that would have felt like hell if I hadn't had Emily by my side. Six years and she hadn't once tried to contact me, to apologize.

"You have to believe me, Paige, it wasn't just now that I realized I had made a mistake. There have been many days, many situations in which I have wanted to call you, write you and I didn't do it because I was ashamed. There, I said it. I was ashamed because of the way I have treated you and I didn't know what to do. I figured it would be hard for you to forgive me, I thought I would have to let you live your life with your partner and let you be happy."

I could hear her voice crack, something I wasn't used to when it came to my grandmother. The woman who had an opinion on everything and who would never let any weakness show. In so many ways we were very alike. Always had been.

"It was my own punishment. To live with the thought that I had let you down in the worst way possible. Telling you all of these things when I knew how weak you must have been. I am not proud of that."

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I tried to focus on the white kitchen floor.

There had been too many days and nights I had spent denying who I really was, telling myself it was sick to feel the way I felt. I had been my own worst enemy.

All I had ever wanted was an apology.

"I'm sorry, Paige. I hope you will be able to forgive me."

I let the words sink in, not knowing what to reply. I wasn't ready for a "yes", yet there was something like a smile, barely noticeable on my lips.

"Paige, your grandmother and I we would love to help you pick a wedding dress." Suddenly my mother started sobbing, not being able to hold back the emotions that must have kept her awake since the night of our phone call.

"I've always dreamt of the moment when my baby girl would get married, how beautiful she'd look in a white dress, how proud I'd feel..."

It broke my heart to see my mother like that.

Maybe it was for the best that I would never have any children of my own. I only had to look into my mother's eyes to know that losing your son or daughter to cancer was an experience I'd never want to go through.

"So, Paige." My grandma said, softly stroking my arm and giving it an encouraging squeeze. "What do you say? Going to let your old ladies help you pick an outfit for the most important day of your life?"


	28. Chapter 28

I was aware that I wasn't allowed to see Paige in her dress before the wedding, yet I did not want to waste a single day without my girlfriend anymore. We had agreed that I could come with them, as long as I closed my eyes or turned around whenever the curtain of the fitting room opened.

Of course the oh's and ah's of the two women kept making me want to peek, yet I was sure that this meant bad luck, so I was staying strong, occupying myself with some iPhone game. A maddening game.

"Damn it." I mumbled, annoyed.

I didn't notice Marlene who had sat down next to me. "You okay?" She asked, one hand resting on my leg.

"No. I'm stuck at level 27. You want to try?"

Marlene smiled. "I doubt that I'm any good at this." She admitted. "Though this is not exactly what I meant."

I sensed the serious tone in her voice, putting the phone back into my pocket.

"I'm okay". I replied, though I wasn't sure who I wanted to convince, Marlene or myself.

"I'm glad you're here." I continued. "Paige wanted you here. Even if she doesn't want to admit it. It means a lot to her and to me."

Marlene nodded, leaning back in her chair as her gaze wandered to the dressing room. She could see the two women move behind the curtain, could see some white fabric peek out, an actual dress was not identifiable.

"I feel thankful." Paige's mother said after a while, staring down at her feet now.

Thankful? For what exactly? I had always been a very positive person but even I had started to forget what to be thankful for these days. I was lucky to still have Paige, lucky to know I was getting married to her. But thankful? I would be thankful for a sudden cure.

"I feel thankful because..." Marlene swallowed. "Because I know she has had you in her life, Emily. She's had you when we haven't been around. And you've been doing all these incredible things with her. I'm... I'm beyond thankful that she got to experience this, that she got to experience true love."

I nodded, a tiny smile on my lips.

"I want you to know something, Emily. And I'm not sure when else I'd get the chance to tell you, so I rather tell you now..." She sighed.

"You're my daughter, too, Emily. Please never forget that, okay?"

I felt Marlene's hand on mine. Warm, but a little shaky.

"Whenever it will... I...", She swallowed. "You're not alone. You'll always be a part of this family and you'll always be welcome in our home. Don't forget that, okay?"

"I won't" I replied, swallowing hard. I wasn't supposed to get sad. Not today. I was shopping for a wedding dress - or at least I was around people who were shopping for one and there was no room for this certain kind of sadness that dared bubbling up to the surface any second.

Marlene's hand was still on mine when Paige's voice echoed out of the dressing room.

"Mom! Get in here! I think we found it!"

/

The following weeks had been quite eventful and we had often been worried that Sydney and Marlene might end up in an embarrassing catfight.  
Sydney, the unofficial, self-announced wedding planner, was having serious problems with Marlene's very strong opinion on everything.

* * *

My mom wanted everything to be pink, Sydney preferred yellow.

Sydney voted for a band, mom insisted on a DJ.

It would have been enough to have a small wedding, to sit at The Radley with our closest friends. It didn't matter. I was thankful for every minute I could spend alone with Emily, am thankful that I knew I could trust my mom and friend to arrange the things they felt were important for the wedding.

For me, it wasn't about the greatest cake or the best music. For me it was only about my wife. And my family. And Sydney. It wasn't the party that mattered.

The only thing truly upsetting me was the fact that my dress didn't fit anymore. In only a few weeks I had lost far too much weight.

My grandma was standing next to me, our eyes meeting in the mirror as tears were starting to blurry my vision.

Grabbing needle and thread, my grandma looked at me again, an encouraging smile on her lips.

"No time for tears. My granddaughter is getting married. I want to see her smile."

/

For a while, I hadn't been sure that I'd be able to do it. There had been days when I had been feeling too weak. Days when I had been sure that we had to cancel on all of our guests. Days that I had preferred rolling around in the wheelchair they had gotten me just in case, for the days that felt too heavy on my shoulders.

But now that I carefully stepped into the church, now that I saw my soon-to-be-wife walking to the altar, a new wave of power seemed to wash through my bones and for this very moment, the pain seemed to be entirely gone.

My father was supporting me on my right, his strong hands holding me tightly. Sydney stood by my left side, our fingers entwined. Nothing could happen to me. I was safe with them.

And then my eyes met Emily's. Brown comfort. Filled with so much love.

My father placed a kiss on my forehead before sitting down in the front row next to mom and grandmother. Emily's mother was smiling, carefully drying a tear with her pink napkin.

I looked around the church, realizing that a lot of people had come. The church was almost full.

Emily took my hand and I could feel my pulse speeding up.

Her lips were close to my ear as she whispered, "You look so beautiful. I can't wait to say I do."

Smiling I looked around, taking everything in.

I felt the tight knot in my throat as I looked into their faces.

Spencer. Toby. Pru. Aria. Hanna. Caleb. They were all here.

The reverend was standing in front of us now, whispering so that only me and Emily could hear him.

"Miss Fields, Miss McCullers, are you ready?"

I smiled as I was biting my lower lip and holding Emily's hands even tighter.


	29. Chapter 29

"There you go." Gabriela whispered, smiling when she was done with the injection. "It'll help you enjoy the next few hours a little more."

"Thank you." I replied, relieved to know that it was going to make the pain more bearable. We were in a small room next door as I didn't want my guests to worry about me. The bass of the music was surrounding me and I took a deep breath before walking back inside. The party had been fun and it had been amazing to see all of my old friends again, but I was also looking forward to being in bed with my wife. Until then I'd try to enjoy the presence of the guests.

"Ahhhh there she iiiiis!" I heard Sydney yell from the table she'd been sitting at, her cheeks rosy, her hair slightly tangled from dancing. Sydney got up, stumbling over to the DJ and whispered something into the tall man's ear. He nodded before handing her his microphone.

She cleared her throat, tapping her index finger on the mic several times. "Is it on? Hello?"

A loud beep was echoing through the speakers, resulting in a few guests groaning and putting their hands over their ears.

"Weeelll..." She started, smiling as she now tapped her glass with a fork, so hard that I was afraid she'd break it. Good that there was a doctor in the house, just in case.

"As the maid of honor, I think it's time for me to hold a speech."

"Just the moment we have all been waiting for." I heard my mother mumble as she was rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry what was that?" Sydney spoke into the microphone, taking a step closer towards my mother. "You were saying something, Marlene?"

The woman just shook her head, taking a sip from her champagne. "Nothing."

"Nothing!" Sydney repeated, faking a shocked expression. "Would be the first time since you came here", she continued, her face serious before she finally lost control and started laughing, letting out a little snort. Followed by a hiccup.

"Oh I'm sorry it's just, it's just that you should know that Paige's mother has an opinion on everything. I won't blame her, it's her daughter's wedding after all... yeeaahh..."

Sydney stumbled, barely managing to hold her balance, before starting to laugh again.

"You sure you okay?" the DJ whispered as he came over, letting one hand rest on Sydney's back for support.

"I am FINE... F.I.N.E!" She yelled, pushing his hand away. "I am fine because my best friends are married now, and I wanna say a few words, so, let me."

I was looking over to Emily who seemed very amused by all this, giggling and staring at our friend, excitedly. Me, myself had a weird feeling. I had known Sydney long enough. Long enough to know that this could easily turn into a disaster.

"Paige and Emily!" She continued. "Emily and Paige. Paily." She cleared her throat and I was worried she was going to puke in front of all of our guests.

"Who would have thought that they'd get married? I mean, 10 years ago they were best friends in High School, and look at them. Seriously. They are both gorgeous. Goooorgeous girls... Naah, women. Let's face it. We're not getting younger, are we?"

She seemed to be staring aimlessly for a moment, lost in thought as she was smiling.

"We're not getting younger, but that's the point of getting married, right? We decide that we have found the right person to grow old with. We stop caring about age. Because no matter how old we are, we love this one person. Even if he or she has wrinkles or is getting bold. We know we want to wake up next to this person for the rest of our lives."

Her tone was becoming more serious and I glanced over to my wife again, the smile washed off of my face, replaced by... well... What was it? She didn't look sad. She was just staring at Sydney, her eyes glued to the other woman's lips.

"You know what the best case scenario is?" Sydney asked the audience, though she didn't seem to be waiting for an answer.

"The best case scenario is that your wife or husband is also your best friend."

Suddenly there were tears in her eyes.

"And this is what those two have. A friendship which has always been so close, untouchable even. Of course I've always been their friend as well, but what those two had? It was special. Still is."

She paused, swallowing hard.

"It's something everyone in this room can be jealous of."

I was looking around the room, some people nodding, most of them looking serious.

"It's this deep friendship that brought them back together. And fuck it will always unite them, okay? Have you seen their tattoos?"

Looking at her, I was close to walking over to her, telling her that it was okay and that she could stop talking now. But somehow I couldn't move. Somehow Sydney seemed to have everyone under her spell.

"Let me tell you something, if I'll ever be lucky enough to find love comparable to what Emily and Paige have, I will die happily because I think this is what we're here for on this miserable little place called earth..."

Sydney was slurring again, occasional sobs making it even harder to understand her.

"...we're here for love. To experience it, once, with our whole heart and soul."

She sat down, searching my eyes in the crowd.

"Paige...", She whispered, "Em."

I stepped closer to Emily, searching for her hand to hold it.

"I love you girls. So much. Okay?" Sydney said, brushing a tear away with her sleeve.

"And it's an honor to be your maid of honor..." She paused. "Wow. Suddenly the word makes sense."

I smiled, looking down as I was squeezing Emily's hand.

"And I haven't said it before but I will say it now, because I'm drunk as fuck, okay?"

Oh oh.

"I don't know what I'll do once I... I really don't know. I just..."

I swallowed and felt Emily tighten her grip on my hand.

"It just hurts to think. It... it hurts. I just want you to... I want to come over to your house when we're all, like, 95 or something. I want to see your children and spoil them with presents, be their favorite aunt. I want all that for you two. The whole thing. The real deal. I'm... oh god, I'm sorry."

I had never seen Sydney like this before. I knew that whatever else Sydney wanted to say, whatever else she felt it was too strong for words. Especially now.

"Excuse me, please."

Then the microphone dropped to the floor and Sydney was running out of the room, pushing some guests out of her way as she tried to get through to the door without meeting my eyes again.


	30. Chapter 30

About two hours later, most of the guests had left. Emily had tried calling Sydney but she hadn't picked up her phone. At some point Sydney had sent a text.

 _I'm so sorry. I hope you know that. It was a beautiful wedding and I love you girls. I'll call you in the morning. Have a great night xx_

We weren't mad at her. How could we be?

The day had been beautiful, it really had, and Sydney had done her best to make all of this happen. The weather had been perfect, the decorations had been stunning, the food delicious. We had danced, Emily's head resting on my shoulder. We had laughed. We had seen all of our friends and Emily knew how much I had enjoyed their embraces, their friendly faces. She knew I had wanted to see them one more time, had wanted to celebrate this with them.

But now she could see how tired I must have been. I was a little pale.

But I was also happy.

Emily was looking at me, taking in the sight of my wife's silhouette standing in front of the window of our room, softly illuminated by the moonlight.

She stepped behind me to open the zipper of my wedding dress, letting it fall down to the floor so that I could step out of it. She puckered kisses along my shoulder, sensing the goosebumps on my skin.

She was my wife now.

It was all that mattered.

It felt as if time had stopped. And there was nothing I wanted to do but to lay down with her. No music. Just the sound of her breathing. The sound of her heartbeat, so close to my own. I wanted to appreciate every second of it. Wanted to cling to this moment.

Her skin was still so soft. So unbelievably soft. And she was warm. And she smelled fantastic.

So much comfort.

There was no way that it could ever be different. Because this was the woman I loved with all my heart, with everything I had, and I needed her by my side. How would I be able to breathe without her?

I was stroking her hair as Emily let her head rest on my chest. I wrapped my arm around her, held her tight, not needing to speak. Emily knew what I wanted to say. Knew that I wanted to say "I'm still here".

I felt her kiss my head and closed my eyes for a moment.

"Thank you for being my wife." Emily whispered into the silent room.

I was softly stroking Emily's neck and it was the most comforting feeling Emily knew.

"I love you more than anything and this has been the best day of my life" I replied slowly, closing my eyes, even though Emily knew I wife felt just as widely awake as she did herself.

It was all we spoke that night.

And there wasn't much more to say, really.

N°15: Talk to my grandmother again - Check.

N°16: Be your wife - Check.

* * *

 **3 months later - 4th of July**

"Here look at me, Paige! Oh yes, that's perfect, oh my god you have to see this!" I giggled excitedly, my thumb swiping from one picture to the next, admiring the perfect snapshots I had taken of my wife in the water. Next to a dolphin named Lola.

She looked so happy. She seemed to almost drown in her giant orange vest, but the lady from 'Dolphin Therapy' assured me that she and Lola would take really good care of my wife.

"Em you should come back inside and put that camera away!" Paige told me, laughing, and I could see the joy in her eyes. That spark that hadn't left her since the day we had said 'I do' to each other.

We had been married for three months now and even though Paige had been too weak to travel anywhere for our honeymoon, we had tried to enjoy each day to the fullest. We had decorated Paige's wheelchair together and I had rolled her around in the park, by the lake or wherever she wanted to go. Gabriela had checked in on us almost every night, to make sure she could help Paige with the pain. And she had explained to me everything I needed to know about the infusion, a small portable pump, it was really helpful.

I was brought back to reality when Lola splashed some water in my direction, followed by the ridiculously cute sound that I thought must have been actual giggles. "Okay, okay, I'm coming", I told the animal, putting my camera back into my backpack before carefully climbing back into the pool.

"There you are", Paige whispered, reaching out her hand for me to grab, trying to pull me closer. "Kiss me."

I smiled into the kiss, enjoying my wife's wet skin on my own. I was happy to have found the dolphin therapy online, I could tell that it was really working. It allowed Paige to get rid of her oxygen tubes for an hour or two and she was surrounded by professionals which made me feel much better about the whole thing.

One of the employees helped Paige out of the water and handed her a towel which she wrapped around her shoulders, shivering. There were goose bumps on her thin legs and it sounded as if her teeth were chattering, but she didn't seem to mind.

"I can't wait for tonight", she stated, trying to suppress the coughing. "It's going to be magical, M&M."

I smiled.

We were going to see the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter tonight, something the supervisor of 'Dolphin Therapy' had organized for us as he had a lot of useful connections in the region. He had also been the one letting us spend the night at his colleague's aquarium and arranging a private koala feeding for Paige several days ago. I had kept the picture of Paige and the fluffy little bear in my wallet ever since.

"I can't wait either". I told my woman, carefully rubbing her shoulders dry.

 **/**

It had been a warm and sunny day, not too hot, and even now we could go out without a jacket and enjoy the soft summer breeze on our skin.

The co-pilot helped us adjust our helmets and Paige had to grin as she looked at me with that giant green thing on her head.

"We have to take a picture now", she told me as she held up the phone in front of our faces. "Smiiiile!"

We sent the selfie to Sydney, adding a short message. " _About to have a magnificent night. Helicopter. Fireworks. We miss you! Love is in the air!"_

We got an answer only seconds later. " _I love you girls. Enjoy! xoxo"_

I grabbed Paige's hand when we sat down in the helicopter, squeezing it tightly when we left the ground. The world underneath us was getting smaller and the feeling was truly magical.

"You okay?" I yelled into the mic and Paige nodded excitedly.

"Look around you Em, this is fucking fantastic."

And it was.

We were positioned at a safe distance when our view suddenly filled with bursts of color, the music we had picked beforehand buzzing in our ears through our headphones.

A wave of emotion was rushing through Paige as she looked at me, the colorful sparks reflecting in her eyes.

She had forgotten the pain, had forgotten the knot that usually felt so tight in her chest. Time had stopped. This was easily becoming the best night of her life.

"I love you, Emily."

I smiled.

"I love you, too, Paige McCullers."

I kept stroking Paige's hand with my thumb throughout the show, hopping excitedly in my seat whenever an especially beautiful scenario painted the sky in front of our eyes.

We landed safely after a while and the pilot helped Paige get out of the helicopter. Her wheelchair was already waiting for her and she couldn't deny that she would need a bit of fresh oxygen soon.

"There's one thing we need to do first, though", I said with a smile and Paige teared up at the sight of the two floating lanterns that one of the staff members had already prepared for them while we'd been up in the air.

"Perfect, Em. A perfect way to end this night."

I nodded. "I felt it had to be tonight."

We each grabbed one of the small hot air balloons and I pointed at the little piece of paper that was attached to them. "For your wish."

Paige looked thankful as I handed her a pen. What was the chance that these wishes really came true? I knew it probably didn't make sense to wish for a long and healthy life but maybe, if I played my cards right, a little faith might make anything possible.

I looked at Paige again, she was eagerly scribbling something onto her paper , her tongue sticking out in concentration.

There were tears in her eyes when she lit the small candle inside the balloon.

"On the count of three..." I said.

And three seconds later the lanterns started floating, dancing together in the sky before slowly disappearing in the distance.

"What did you wish for? Wait - don't tell me, or it won't become reality!" I exclaimed, grabbing Paige's hand.

Paige had to look the other way, closing her eyes as she bit her bottom lip, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.

* * *

 **For the ones who keep asking, I'm so sorry to crush your hope but no there won't be a cure or a miracle. :(**


	31. Chapter 31

Back at home, I was browsing through the bucket list book, lost in thought, the sound of Emily in the shower the only audible background noise. I let my index finger run along the picture of Emily in her wedding dress before turning the page and putting some glue on a photo of myself and Lola in the water.

Tiger was climbing up my arm, meowing into my ear while leaving little scratch marks on my skin. "Ouch", I told him, grabbing his soft fur and carefully putting him on my lap. "You're getting bigger, Tiger. Be careful with those dangerous claws of yours!"

The cat looked at me as if he understood before snuggling closer to my belly, purring softly as I started stroking his back.

"On the other hand..." I deliberated out loud, tickling Tiger's ears, "you better keep them claws sharp. Once I'm gone, it'll be your job to take care of Emily, you hear me? It'll be much easier to leave her behind knowing that a fully grown tiger protects her in her sleep."

When the cat started licking my hand, I had to roll my eyes, chuckling. "See, that's what I was talking about..."

I had just written 'Swim with a shark (dolphin) next to one of the newest pictures when I felt my phone vibrate, taking a quick look at the screen. 1 unread message. Gabriela.

 **' _Have you talked to her yet? What does she say?'_**

I closed my eyes. I wasn't in the mood for this now. I didn't think I'd ever be in the mood to have that talk.

 **' _Not now. Talk to you tomorrow. - P_** I texted back before stuffing the phone underneath the blanket that was lying next to me.

The next vibration was barely audible and much easier to ignore.

I took a deep breath, trying to avoid another coughing fit. I failed.

I was searching for a tissue, my lungs feeling as if they were about to collapse. I held the white handkerchief in front of my face, cringing when I saw blood. I sighed.

"You okay, baby?" I heard Emily yell from the bathroom. The water had stopped and there was some steam coming out from the slit underneath the door.

"I - I'm fine", I called out, choking a little. "All good."

When Emily came into the room, wrapped in her yellow bathrobe, I quickly shoved the bloody tissue under the sofa. I'd throw that away later.

"Want me to get you your green tea?" Emily asked, a smile on her lips as she was starting to massage my shoulders.

"Why don't you just sit with me for a bit?" I replied, patting the spot next to me on the couch. "Oh, I'm sorry, with us", I corrected myself when I saw Tiger's glare.

Emily giggled. She didn't need to be told twice.

"You looking at our book again?" she asked, letting her head rest on my shoulder.

"Yeah..."

"I think it's pretty much the coolest thing we ever did together", Emily said proudly. "What's been your favorite bucket point so far?"

I thought about my wife's question for a moment before shaking my head. "Sorry, it's impossible to decide that..."

I went through the book from the beginning, smiling at the very first picture. "This is already one of my favorites."

"The motorcycle?" Emily asked. "It was just a toy. I mean, it was just supposed to be that little thing to get us started."

"I know. That's what I love about it." I took Emily's hand into my own and softly kissed her fingertips. "I will never forget what I felt in that moment. You were wearing this leather jacket and you looked so incredibly sexy...". I had to laugh. "I hadn't been around you in so long and I had missed you so fucking much. And there you were, looking hot as hell, being so unbelievably cute about the whole situation. Even though I had been a total bitch. After all the crying, all the worrying, all this shitty loneliness, you managed to give me butterflies again just like that. Exactly why I love you so much."

"I had butterflies, too. Even though I was terrified. It's a strange combination" Emily replied, laughing and squeezing my hand.

I turned the page.

"Ooohh my god", I laughed. "The bus."

"One of my favorite adventures with you" Emily added.

"For sure" I agreed. "Can't believe almost a year has passed since then."

"We finally kissed."

We both smiled at the memory and I was convinced that that one had been the best kiss of my life. The flashback in front of my inner eye hit me hard and I wished I could turn back time. Relive it all.

The rain. Emily's wet hair between my fingertips. The excitement. The relief. The thought that anything was possible. That we would conquer it all. That we would kick the cancer's ass as long as we had each other.

I was SO thankful for having met her again in that hair salon. So thankful for the past months. For our journey and the joy it had brought. The light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.

Emily leaned closer to kiss my ear. It sent a shiver down my spine.

On the next page was a picture of Sydney and me, I could feel it warm my heart.

"What a party...", Emily said as she looked at the photo. "Vegas rocks!"

"I can still see you on that dancefloor. Feel you, even", I added, wishing I could dance with my wife once more. We had always loved to dance whenever and wherever possible. No one had the moves like Emily. "I'm still dancing with you in my dreams."

Emily smiled, though I could see her chin shivering slightly.

"I was so happy that you brought Sydney back into my life that day. I hadn't realized how much I missed her, all of us together, until that night."

"And I'm glad we got those tattoos together", Emily agreed. "Something that'll always unite us."

We locked our pinkies, the words written on them fading into one message that had become some sort of mantra to us. Love forever, unbroken by distance.

A sound underneath the blanket interrupted us.

"Paige, your phone keeps vibrating, maybe you should answer it." Emily said, a slightly worried look on her face.

"It's Gabby, Em."

"What does she want? You said she didn't have time to come over tonight. Thought she was celebrating with her family?"

I sighed. "Emily, I... I didn't want to do this tonight. But we agreed to always be honest, so." I cleared my throat, coughing a little.

Emily frowned. "What now, Paige? It can't be that bad, can it? Not considering what we're already dealing with every day."

I bit my bottom lip. "She wants to talk about several options with us."

"Options?" She asked, a confused look on her face. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"Babe..." I sighed, avoiding her eyes. "I meant stuff like, you know stationary hospices, palliative stations, that sort of thing. A nice place with some experienced people who can help when it gets down to you know .. they can help us, make it easier..."

I could see Emily swallow. Could see the tears in her eyes.

"Don't say it. Say no more", Emily whispered. "Not tonight."

I smiled, carefully removing the tubes from my nose before dragging my wife in for a hug.

"You're right". I said, kissing the hair that I loved. "Not tonight. We can deal with that some other day."

I felt Emily nod against my chest, knowing that she wouldn't want to speak now. It was okay. Now I just wanted to keep her warm and safe. Because I am right where I belong.

"Em, I just wanted you to know that I'm really happy. It was a beautiful day. One of the best days of my life. And that's because of you."

Emily turned her head around to look at me, quickly brushing a tear off her cheek.

She smiled back.

"It was beautiful."

I carefully tried to drag Emily up so we were on eye-level again, leaning closer to touch her chin with my thumb before kissing her slowly. Emily's lips parted immediately as she responded to the kiss, tongues meeting. Somehow every kiss with her could feel like a first kiss. This little hurricane in your belly. The excited tickle in your skin. The heart that is pumping in your throat instead of your chest. And the thought of doing this until time stops. Always and again and again.

I let my forehead rest against Emily's as I kept stroking her hair, wanting to tell her, without words, that it would be okay.

Emily smiled.

"I'm getting really tired, Paige. And you must be exhausted."

I smiled back at her.

"I'll stay awake a little longer. Until you fall asleep, okay? Let's go to bed."

Emily nodded, took off her bathrobe and climbed under the sheets, I quickly followed her. When Emily turned around to find her typical sleeping position, I came closer from behind, spooning her tightly. Our fingers were entwined, the most comforting feeling in the world.

"Sleep now baby. I'll watch over you...". I whispered.

I kissed her hair and Emily finally closed her eyes, letting out a deep and content sigh.

"... I always will."

I waited until I heard my wife's soft little snore. I watched her sleep for what felt like an eternity. Then I grabbed my phone and left the room.


	32. Chapter 32

**The main reason I wrote this is because I still fail to cope with the death of someone close to me. Thank you for all your kind words, really means a lot. And again I'm so sorry.**

 **I won't do it again.**

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, it was already bright outside. I felt Paige lying next to me and immediately turned around to wake her. It was a Sunday, I would prepare breakfast for us. Maybe we could stop by the lake later. Maybe we could call Sydney.

Paige looked content, but something was different than usual. Usually she would hide her face as soon as the room turned bright. Sometimes she even put on her sleeping mask so no annoying ray of sunlight could interrupt her much valued sleep.

"Paige?" I whispered. "Paige, wake up."

My heart stopped.

No.

"Paige!" I yelled, grabbing my wife's hand. But it was cold. It was too fucking cold.

"No. No no no no no please, no."

The last no was barely audible.

What now? What to do? Who to call? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, goddammit, fuck!

I frantically searched for my phone, my hands shaking. Have to call Gabby. Should call 911. Have to call someone. Anyone.

When I finally found it, I nervously pressed the home button and saw a message on my screen. A message from Paige.

I opened it as fast as I could, my whole body shaking, the tears making it hard to read.

 **' _Baby, please don't cry. Don't call anyone. Not yet. We both knew that it had to happen. And I wanted it that way. I wanted to be with you. Please watch the video. I love you more than anything.'_**

It was so surreal. Sobs shaking through me like hiccups. Yet I somehow managed to open the video that had been sent to me, the view of Paige smiling almost killing me. It felt like a knife in my chest but I forced myself to listen as Paige spoke into the camera.

"Hey." Paige smiled, insecure. "You are watching the video. That means it all worked out and we're finally free. I don't even know how to begin to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. So sorry for what you have to face now. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like, being in your position.

Emily, you always told me that you thought I was brave but what does being brave even mean? It's not the absence of fear, it's facing your fears, right? It means being scared but still trying to go on and to live your life to the fullest. And yeah, that's what we did. It's what we did together, Em. You were the one who helped me face those fears. You're the reason why I didn't give up, why the worst year of my life also became the best year of my life.

And you know what? I'm finally not scared anymore. I was scared of so many things. I was scared of the pain.  
Scared of being alone.

Of dying alone.

And what I was scared of the most was what it would all do to you. I was scared of leaving you behind, causing you pain, disappointing you.

But I needed you in my life, babe. I needed you and you were there for me, every step of the way. And I know now I'm gone and can't be there for you anymore the way that I want to be. But I'm also not scared anymore that you won't make it. Because I know you will. Because you're the strongest person I know. The bravest and most beautiful and kind-hearted person I ever met. And you will get through this, honey.

And I'll always be with you.

I promise you.

I'll be more than just a little tattoo on your pinky or a ring on your finger. I'll be more than just a picture on your wall. I'll be everywhere around you.

And there might be a point in time when you don't need me anymore. A point in time when you let somebody else love you, that lucky bitch!

There's gonna be a point in time when you have kids and we both know you'll be a great mom.

A point in time when you'll be truly happy.

But no matter when that time comes, babe, no matter how often you feel lost along the way, I want you to remember that I loved you more than anything. If you can, let that be your strength.

Hold on to the thought that I'm somewhere out there, I don't know where, and I'll watch over you.

And if you need to cry or vent or talk, then talk to me and I will listen. I promise you, I will listen, okay?"

Paige took a tissue, stopping the tear in the corner of her eye from falling.

"You see?", she smiled. "I swore to myself that I wouldn't cry on this. To make it a little easier. But I guess I failed. Anyways Emily. Please. Don't be mad at me. But tonight, when we let go of that floating lantern. You know what I wrote on the paper? I wrote 'please, let me die happily tonight'. And now that you're watching this, it's exactly what happened.

Gabby said it was a matter of days before things would have gotten even worse. I didn't want to leave this world connected to all those machines, not able to speak and tell you how much I love you. How much I'll miss you.

But now I get to do all that. And I get to fall asleep next to the most important person in my life. The woman who made me truly happy.

Please, be brave Emily. Do it for us. I know you can. I've always believed in you.

And please tell Sydney and Gabby and my family that I love them. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Take good care of Tiger and our bucket book. Maybe you can finish the last point without me one day. Maybe you'll think of me when you visit Machu Picchu.

I love you, Emily. Never forget. I'll always be with you."

Paige smiled and blew a soft little kiss into the camera before the video finally stopped.

I dropped the phone. I looked left. Looked right. My face was wet and my head spinning.

Not knowing what to do I put on my bathrobe again, stepping outside the apartment, not wearing any shoes.

Mrs Davis was cleaning the hallway when our eyes met. I could see the old lady didn't need to ask what had happened. Her usually strong and cold features immediately turned soft and she dropped her broom.

"C'mere, girl. Oh no... oh, come here, sweetheart."

Then she hugged me.

"It doesn't feel like it right now, but it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. I promise. Ssshhh..."

Looking back, I had never expected my old grumpy neighbor, of all people, to be the one comforting me in that moment. I had pictured this a million times. Where it would happen. How and when. What I would do. What I would say.

I had never pictured it like this.

I had known it was going to happen and I understood it was the way Paige had wanted it. Her last day on earth had been a happy one. Her last night next to the woman she loved. But it didn't matter how much time I had to prepare for this, it made no difference. No one could have prepared me for the pain I felt in this moment. For the terrible emptiness that suddenly filled my heart.

It was a feeling, so powerful, it could break you within seconds.

But I would get through this. I had promised her.

I'd get through this for her.

For us.

* * *

Paige McCullers died on the 5th of July, 2017.

Her ashes were spread on Machu Picchu.

\- Check.


End file.
